Despre vredinicie.

 1Then I saw in the right hand of him who sat on the throneo a scroll with writing on both sidesp and sealedq with seven seals. 2 And I saw a mighty angelr proclaiming in a loud voice, “Who is worthy to break the seals and open the scroll?” 3 But no one in heaven or on earth or under the earth could open the scroll or even look inside it. 4 I wept and wept because no one was found who was worthy to open the scroll or look inside. 

 Revelation 5: 1-15

 

Eu sunt vrednic.

Eu, baga-mi-as picioarele. De ce nu eu? Am cele mai bune intentii, si anume intentiile de a avea cele mai bune intentii. Vreau sa vreau sa fiu exact cum vrea Dumnezeu sa fiu. Nu sunt, dar vreau sa fiu. Merit tot ce-i mai bun, pentru ca vreau sa fiu persoana care merita tot ce-i mai bun. Vreau sa fiu puternic, si bland , si disciplinat. Vreau sa fiu rational si empatic in acelasi timp, o mana de fier si un lider care ia deciziile corecte pentru cei pe care-i conduce si vorbeste cu fiecare in parte cu intelegere, care stie ce sa faca, dar si ia in considerare sfaturi de la ceilalti. Si mai are si simtul umorului, pe deasupra.

Sunt vrednic, pentru ca vreau sa fiu vrednic. Intentia mea este sa am cele mai curate intentii.

treaba nasoala e ca nu prea-s. vreau, dar nu prea simt ca pot. cred ca atunci cand e esential pentru mersul spre Bine al lucrurilor fac, fara sa pot, prin har, dar in general cred ca nu prea pot. in general pot putintel. nu mega putin, putintel. stiu ca maine-o sa pot mai mult, sau daca o sa pot mai putin va fi pentru ca poimaine sa pot exponential mai mult. pe termen lung, stiu ca voi fi mai bun, iar pe termen scurt cred ca-s ok. dar momentan, desi vreau, cred ca nu pot. cred ca in absenta harului îs mic tare, cam in toate domeniile. am motive obiective sa cred asta, stiu ca sunt  multi oameni mai buni ca mine in fiecare domeniu. chiar si-n Codlea cred ca sunt oameni care-s mai buni ca mine in fiecare domeniu. banuiesc ca sunt oameni excelenti in lume, la care daca faci o medie aritmetica intre capacitatea de a fi bland si capacitatea de a fi puternic si abilitatile de a repara chestii prin casa si toate celelalte chestii care te fac un om bun, cred ca sunt oameni care au o medie mult mult mai mare decat a mea. cine stie, poate chiar sunt oameni, cum zicea Andrei, izolati prin pesteri prin Asia, despre care-as zice ca sunt vrednici. 

drept ii ca nu ma prea recomanda pentru vrednicie decat intentiile mele.

inclusiv pentru vredinicia de a fi lider. imi displac liderii grupului meu din Albion, dar s-ar putea sa fie lideri mult mai buni decat as putea sa fiu eu in momentul asta. macar pentru ca-s in stare sa nu crape sub presiune si sa faca, din cand in cand, chestii ok. momentan nu cred ca as putea face asta.  

si-atunci cam asta-i treaba. din motive care nu sunt sub controlul vointei mele, nu prea-s vrednic de chestii. nu prea-s excelent, nu prea-s, momentan, un lider bun. nu prea stiu ce-s, si-i greuț, pen'ca am 28 de ani si parca as avea asteptarea sa am macar o idee generala. dar ce-i clar e ca nu-s excelent. desi as vrea sa fiu, desi as vrea sa vreau sa fiu, nu sunt vrednic.

week 0

i sorta feel like expectation is ruining all things (?) for me

 

how does one

give up expectation

auxiliary timeline:

05.12 interviu la Autonom

04.12 exurbia's video of the end of meaning.

 https://youtu.be/Jv79l1b-eoI

(i think) giving up the idea of meaning

ideea de a trai folosind cat mai putine resurse

week (-1) 

lex fridman eating one meal a day, the idea of it being possible, and the idea of minimal resource consumption

lex fridman podcast with daniel negreanu: it's hard to go for the 4 am run when you're wearing silk pyjamas

06.12 (day 0) trump reviews death knight set, and immoral guild, for some reason.

si ideea de a face lucruri de la care nu am asteptari.

for some reason thinking about learning stuff on seterra being comfy: stuff that has no expected future value.

 

 

malwarebytes warning me of potential threats

ben shapiro, also in lex's podcast, says that when you are alone your happiness goes from 1-10, and then when you're in a couple it goes from -20 to + 20, and when you have kids it loses track of numbers completely.

annoying implication that because i am someone's child their happiness might go minus infinite to plus infinite as consequences of what i do.

but i want to

live with no expectation.

i want to, or feel like i want to have a deck with x mana x/x cards and no abilities an no expectations

i've asked God for purpose and now i kinda wanna have no purpose, just will to live.

christianity is somehow all about expectation.

can i, like, not have any of that, please?

like, applying to a job on ejobs has expected value of either -1 (silent rejection) or, like 10 if it works out perfectly

or 7 if it's alright and dulls the noise of suffering a little

so, in our equation so far, we have the 0 expectation line, with the attached constant suffering

romans 8:23 says that we ourselves (which presumably includes me?), who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies.

 

so, baseline 0 accounts for the suffering. even for the "us" in romans

nonetheless

baseline 0, 

then stuff that dulls noise of the suffering which brings it above 0

but stuff that dulls the noise of suffering can have negative impact as well (see the -1 for job application processes).

 

hm

when long application process, for me it is often more than -1. because -1 is rejecting the cv. the more i pour myself into it, the more of me it is rejecting. so the minus from applying to jobs is due to rejection.

 

it's cool and interesting that there is no rejection from my mother. that does not cause stress; lack of rejection. her acceptance in itself, it seems, is a baseline. it is taken for granted. i do not feel that my baseline is 3 because i lack rejection from her.

but  then, i guess, strictly metnally it would be -something if i were rejected by her

so i have an unearned baseline of 0. because i didn't earn acceptance from my mother, it's just there.

anyway,

if i do an useful course, i have expectations.

potential additions: 

- that i'll finish it (+/- 2)

- that i will be able to add it to my cv (+/- 3)

- that i will be able to use it in conversations in the future (+/-3)

- that it will actually be useful to getting a job or a wife or social context.(+/- lots, i guess.)

that is, first and foremost, why i do it.

i wouldn't do it if i had no such expectation.

when i watch trump's review of cards, i have no expectation of using it in the future.

there is a tiny bit of expectation that it will provide my mind an anchor, somehow. it will keep me interested and busy enough to go through some 20 minutes of standard suffering.

so if i don't watch it i'm at 0

if i do watch it and it's engaging it takes me to some 2 of sorts.

seems like it's the same with video games, or anime. i feel like doing that has some potential to be useful (at least) socially, which makes me have expectation when doing it, which i somehow have to overcome.

if i add some expected value to porn, i might even stop doing that. or, i will eventually stop doing that for the potential plus value. 

how does one

give up on expectation.

i wanna give up on expectations and keep living. 

hard to explain, the keep living part. possibly because of the significant (now that's an important word) negative effect on some peers if i stop living.

i guess i wanna keep living and give up on expectations. first i wanna keep living. for now, at least. 

somehow some types of suffering do not seem to have much effect on that. "i wanna stop being hungry or keep living".

 dunno, that seems worth thinking about, some discomfort can be rounded down to the zero baseline. some types of discomfort.

like, short-form applying to jobs (the -1 type, with no cover letter and stuff) can be rounded to the zero baseline.

 i guess i wanna keep living and make more stuff round-down-able. 

would be cool if i could apply to jobs long form and keep expectations 0

or go to church and round down the suffering to 0

or go climb at natural high with suffering rounded to 0

joy,

i don't know about joy.

"la sfarsitul tirolianei asteia este lucrul pe care mi-l doresc cel mai tare

este ceva ce-mi doresc foarte tare

este ceva

ce-mi doresc"

don't know about joy.

would be cool if i could keep living

and round down the cost of living to 0,

somehow.

joy and suffering,

they don't quite seem to be on the same scale.

joy does not reduce suffering, somehow.

"i got that job, so now it feels like all the application process to the other jobs doesn't even matter anymore!"

...

dunno, it kinda still does, still a pain that i was rejected there.

unless i know exactly why and i know that i have done everything i can to fix it.

or i know that there is nothing i could do to fix it (which is kinda included in the above)

 

shortcomings are painful.

 having them pointed out is painful.

painful, as a stand-in word for "suffering inducing". "pain-that-matters inducing".

i wanna have no expectations.

i think i kinda quit hebrew learning for the same reason: it came with expectations.

improper expectations, for example, i was learning general hebrew, not how to hold the training in hebrew. but there were expectations that i'd know how to talk to clients in hebrew, so that is kinda why i dropped it.

others around me created the expectation that by learning hebrew i'd know how to speak with israelis.

that's

sorta why i gave up on it.

or, one part of it, anyway.

another part might be because it became less exciting; less suffering-reducing.

so, i'm not really doing stuff for joy-increasing

but for suffering-reducing

if it is suffering-increasing and joy-increasing i'll likely not do it (right now, hypothetically, dunno how to define myself well enough that this applies to all instances of me; just to this instance of me on this particular page)

revenind,

if it's suffering-increasing and joy increasing i'd rather not do it

how about

if it's suffering-neutral and joy increasing?

i guess that's anime for me.

maybe that's why i love it. because it comes with no expectations, no suffering, but it increases t0 joy. 

hunger, seems like something that could be suffering-increasing. so, when i stop the hunger, i revert to the baseline of 0 suffering

so what if i create a minus-level baseline suffering level?

say, minus 3 becomes the new 0 due to controllable factors (such as a very cold shower, as Lex was using as an example)

then, when i do not take a really cold shower my i am on +3 (i know the scale is no longer logical, bear with me)

when i am no taking the cold shower i have some 3 "suffering credits".

so if -3 is the new 0, means that when i am at 0 (well fed, well watered, feeling good), i can comfortably do stuff that would bring me to my original baseline.

being warm, well fed and hydrated seems to be my 0 baseline here.

if i am away, food, water and warmth is no longer implicit, i need to work for them. i need to do work to get my suffering to 0.

naveta in sine, de altfel, este un minus pe care il acopar citind, sau facand alte lucruri. este un minus pe care mi-l asum, pentru ca altfel nu as citi, sau as face alte lucruri, ci as face lucruri cu rezultat 0.

 

cand fac naveta, nu ma uit la trump reviews, pentru ca starea mea este deja sub 0, sunt in discomfort, si-atunci fac lucruri care-aduc a crestere.

 

interesant, totusi, ca citesc.

also baseline 0, very soft effort negative, soft joy positive. 

 

when in discomfort (pe naveta, de exemplu), i do get proactive.

 

 

 so somehow it does help to set up discomfort.

 

set up a baseline below 0,

so that you can get and use your suffering credits.

 

"go out of your comfort zone" - that means to add suffering, right? 

nonetheless.

right now

i want to round down my Current suffering to 0.

do stuff with expectations round-able to 0. 

hopefully joy-inducing.

preferably with the hope being round-able to 0 as well.

 

 

a blurb. a nothing-burger. hopefully. otherwise, it gives me hope. gives me expectation. 

but there is hope and expectation in God.

reconcile that.

sometime.

sometime, when you can, when you want, reconcile that.

overflow, indeed.

 ci dubios m-am destabilizat in seara asta.

strange and wonderful and awful

grr.

.

.

cata bariera de intrare am la gandurile astea.

feeling less like 314llar and maybe more like 314ne cone

not even overflowing.

ce interesant si aiurea si incert ca ma simt neinfatuat cu tine,

mai ales ca ma simt usor infatuat in alte situatii.

poate-i un mecanism de autoaparare

maybe because i dont think you're hot? 

kinda?

or, in that way?

ai grija ca ne certam, si nu stiu cum adorm in seara asta and i really sorta probably dont wanna go full abandon tonight. ar fi un soi de sacrilegiu.

ci-aiurea ca incerc atat de mult 314llar si-apoi apari tu care imi arunci chestii de genu' ca nu vrei "sa-ti faci asta" pe care le interpretez eu ca mob in episodu' 3 din sezonu' 3 si ma simt ca mob in episodu' 3 in sezonu' 3 si vreau sa-mi zici ca ti-i frica sa nu te-ndragostesti de mine.

desi asta cred c-ai vrut sa zici si probabil asta ai zis

dar nu stiu daca-i asa.

z'var oxitocina de toamna sau iarna sau frig sau poate asa-i mereu dar acum simt tare asta.

si nici nu vreau sa citesc ce-am scris mai sus.

'dafuq are you

dafuq is happening.

ci-aiurea m-am destabilizat

si ce pana mea inseamna stabilizarea asta anway

maybe i'm just bored or something i don't even have enough data to speculate i just kinda don't wanna deal with it just wanna sleep forever in a way, a sorta different way than usual.

'mi-as picioarele this feels awful

y i gotta feel like this

cica sa nu dai vesti proaste seara pentru c-apoi tre' sa stai cu ele.

awful and wonderful and strange

i just want some comfort

some absolute comfort 

some abandon.

but i am big thankful.

i kinda owe writing back to you.

i feel like i'm being praised for being unreliable.

praised, but not necessarily rewarded.

dafuq kind of weird stuff i gotta do for this 

do i even want this

hai să narăm.

ne-am intalnit ieri, desi rational era improbabil si probabil ne-necesar; uncalled for.

si-am vorbit, ieri. we just randomly dived into deep personal stuff with barely touching unto traditional personal stuff

si ieri,

honestly,

that was great and was okay.

i thought i'll remember how cool it is that you have strong principles, despite your annoying inflexibility

and how to deal with the autistic child

i'm thankful for that

i should let you know i'm thankful for that.

iar azi, what did we even talk about on the bus, was it just mutual tension manifestation? surely it was cool talk. surely what we talked about was cool and maybe probably for you more than for me, 

we talked about

anime

and beauty

and completeness and rightness

so freakin' excited about unloading emotion unto you and you reacting to it.

si-o fost atat de obosit si de natural si de ne-regizat.

eram stresat 7/10 atunci.

 

As fi vrut sa-ti scriu o scrisoare scurta. Si cred c-as fi avut timp, dar nu stiu dac-ar fi fost potrivit. So here's my humble overflowing reaction.

Mi se pare amuzant ca nu ai fost surprinsa ca ne-am vazut ieri in 5.

I think it was just the right kind of oversharing. But that might be because when talking to people I'm honestly just bored; restless; enjoy being super stretched. I like the sensation of it. The hype of it.

 

Cred ca-i important sa gandesti teorii. Speaking of oversharing and stories, imi amintesc ca eram cu Hari (promit ca nu e singurul om cu care interactionez) intr-o iesire random sambata seara in Sighisoara si ne-am gandit cum ar fi dac-am fi atacati de un porc mistret. Si n-am fost niciodata atacat de mistret, dar pentru ca am rumegat teoria cu el in seara aia, acum stiu ce-ar trebui sa fac, si cred ca si voi face. Same with the trolley problem. I still find it awful to have to push the lever (and I still think it's the same thing as pushing the person over, minus the violence which I do not believe to be evil in itself). But I think in a real life trolley problem, I'm way more likely to make the decision, now that I've thought about it. Cred ca ajuta tocmai ca metoda de preventie a inactiunii cauzate de lipsa de timp de-a procesa situatia de la zero.

So yeah, going back to stress levels, I think I'm either on 1-2-3 or 7-8-9. Imi place sa fiu previzibil, dar nu constant. Prefer ori sa fiu treaz, ori sa dorm. Either stretched or resting, desi cred ca trebuie sa veghem mereu.

O fost aiurea de ziditor, si de destabilizant in acelasi timp, sa vorbesc cu tine.

 Am avut astazi la parc un copil cu autism, caruia i-am facut instructajul. Si am decis ca nu ar fi bine sa mearga pe trasee; nici macar sa incerce sa mearga pe trasee. Si mi-o prins teribil de bine c-am vorbit cu tine aseara. Cumva, inca sunt impacat cu ce am facut, desi sunt 100% sigur ca actiunea mea n-a fost 100% corecta. For the sake of all good in the world, daca doar asta ar fi fost rezultatul conversatiei noastre ar fi fost un net pozitiv.

 

Dar n-o fost.

 

Stii cum mi-ai spus ca tinteai spre 100% perfectiune?

Eu cam tintesc spre 100% disciplina. Cred ca, rational, as fi avut enorm de castigat, mai ales pe planul relatiilor, daca as fi reusit sa fiu 100% disciplinat. Dar, aiurea, am avut niste deschideri de relatie in ultimul timp si m-am aplicat enorm, in felul meu educat disciplinat rational, am aplicat toata fiinta care vreau sa devin lor, si n-a fost ce trebuie.

Si-apoi, am vorbit cu tine in seara asta si-am primit cel mai aiurea si-adanc compliment, prin refuzul preventiv al imbratisarii aleia si-ncerc sa ma-ntreb daca n-ar trebui sa... to lean more into what I tend to be. More wind and fire than earth and tree.

A fost tare ziditor, coincidentally confirmed so within 24 hours prin copilasu' ala de azi.

Intr-un mod pe care mi-e greu sa-l descriu, si pe care nu mi-e clar ca nu-l pot justifica doar prin caldura interioara a aprecierii pe care-am simtit-o.

Tu din ce te-alimentezi cu frumos in viata? Eu prin animeuri, si prin muzica dimineata tare tare cand sunt in autobuz si ma gandesc "bai, ce muzica buna ascult cateodata". 

Dar aseara, intr-un mod incomplet justificabil fizic sau social sau platonic, m-ai alimentat cu teribil de mult frumos.

Ieri ma gandeam ca ar fi tare bine pentru omenire daca am ramane "catch-up friends". y'know, the type of friend that you catch up with whenver you're in the same area. cine stie, poate si-n ceaiuri 2 la 2, sau 1 la 2, sau cum si cu cine ne-om mai lega si noi cand o fi cazu' (damn if I'm not uber curious who you'll end up spending your life with). It just felt like unconditionally edifying interactions, whenever they happened.

 

Grr. I don't like writing all of this stuff at once. It's not generally a good omen. Dafuq generality even is.

 

Grr.

Maybe I could be wise about it.

 

but it is good to have caught my overflow

I think.

 

maybe wind and fire rather than earth and tree...

 

wind, for sure. But earth? I think earth too. 

 

Wind and earth.

Oddly.

Characteristically odd. 

Better now?

Thank (God for Kubbi)

 

 

also, cs lewis' boy and horse (book 3)

 i'm becoming a better human, friend.

working on it.

i still think of you. in strange and slightly contradictory ways.

i hope  you learn how to love.

part of me - a Significant part of me - hopes you learn how to love and get (back?) to loving me. 

but that might be 4 am strangeness kicking in .

seems so awful and borderline utopic to be given love without having to ask for it. to be given Enough love.

is that even possible?

i keep thinking that when i'll find it i'll look back and go "yep, it definitely was", but it seems more reasonable to think that there'll always be this hole inside of me. from birth or before birth or childhood trauma or misadaptation. 

or pesonal decisions.

loneliness, sadness, suffering. 

astea-s constante ale vietii,

incep sa cred,

even at their lowest, they seem to be there. they should be understood and accepted; lived with; leaned into and allowed to help us in

becoming a better human, friend.

assist us in

working on it.

comfort us when

thinking of each other. in strange and contradictory ways

teaching us (hopefully)

to love

at least partly, but maybe wholly, each other.

but that,

it might really be,

just 4 30 strangeness

kicking in.

in truth, i still miss who i think you could be,

who i think you are,

more than who you were.

but i do,

selfishly, i know,

think and hope that you are more of who you could be now.

could we go to sleep now, please?

 

 

 

'guess not.

Pre-interviu la carturesti

 My december de la linkin park.

Slight sense of guilt and unfulfillment.

The opposite is satisfaction and contentment.

The current goal is self-esteem and confidence.

Guilt for breaking Sabbath And not preparing. 

I did the best I could today. I need to think of a better framework. But for now, I did my best. Perfectly optimised preparation, and I have done my duty to my family. 

Even Saturday. Even with Church. A fixed framework does not seem appropriate; old Jews stand as an example for that.

We do what we can of what we should and what we want.

Sucks to go against NNN. Was also mostly unsatisfying and guilt-inducing.

What was guilt the opposite of? Well. Satisfaction, it seems. Self-satisfaction. Self-esteem?

We should be like pro players should be, untiltable and knowing we are good enough to win, knowing we are the best that is needed.

Christianity maybe holds that we should be whole because of what has been done to us. But how does one take hold of that?

We shall overcome. Gotta do it. Definitely good enough to get a 2k at Cartu.

Leggo.

Why return home?

Due to love of Romanian language and culture and attachment style. It is said that it takes 30 hours of quality time to become attached to someone. Most of those, we have by proxy through culture.

Why drop corporate?

Because I did not connect to the lifestyle.

Imi place sa am un scop precis in ce fac: sa ajut oamenii sa aiba experiente noi, prin miscare sau carte, e un scop bun.

 Nu stiu daca.i un scop destul de mare cat sa raman la Carturesti pe termen lung, dar pe termen scurt mi.ar face placere.

De citit citesc Sanderson. Mereu voi citi Sanderson.

Ceva de placere si ceva de crestere.

Cel mai probabil pot incepe pe 12 Decembrie. Daca este esential voi incerca sa vad daca pot pe 5, dar nu este foarte probabil.

Sunt relativ flexibill dpdv al salariului, pentru ca nu imi este scopul principal. In jur de 2000-2500 cu bonuri.

6 nov lac 3

 Windy.

- Couple with a kid kissing under zipline boy

- Fast zipline. Watch your back.

- Izabela a inteles si mi.a multumit.

- George a lasat coarda la lac

- Feels good to have muscles at your command

~ Does it feel good to have any kind of power at your command? Like people? Or, somehow, knowledge?

- im sorta scared of dogs

/writing  stuff sure does feel good

- Sorta wanna do stuff today. Go on Black track, inverse zipline,  jump on a train.

- Yesterday evening felt weird and good

* good connection

* some education talk, and, ultimately, goodness talk via education

*in concret, m.am bucurat mult mai mult de jocuri decat de discutii random

- not bored, but rather restless, energetic,  excited.

Enthusiastic!

*Could manifest as "let's try do 50 pushups" or 50 pullups long term or something.

"Let's see if we can make 5 detailed job applications".

Maybe. Should maybe try.

*I usually try a new video game or stuff. When I feel contained.

Killed by rejection and guilt.

Declansata de reusita. Starea, la ea ma refer.

Nesustenabila? Ca adrenalina?

3 (2) AM we seemed alright

                    Am si uitat ca exista spatiul asta

ce bine ca exista spatiul asta.

 

Anyway,

 

3 AM we seemed alright, coudln't be better

On our way into the light

Now 3 AM is gone, along with when there's nothing wrong

3 AM, we seemed alright.

 

 La 2 dimineata, ca Taravangian, as fi putut sa-mi planific toata viata si totul a fost clar si-am stiut ca imi tremura creierul ca lui  Betelgeuse la gandul de a invata oamenii sa faca chestii si de a-i conduce si de a vorbi cu voce calma si plina de incredere

 

 

si ca as putea merge la Oasa unde as gasi structura si as face chestii care ar duce in directia potrivita,

 

directia aia necunoscuta dar potrvita,

 

si ca ar fi bine.

 

Si n-am putut sa dorm si m-am dus si am modificat documentul cu builduri si daca ar fi fost 10% social acceptabil si 25% sansa sa raspunda l-as fi sunat pe Arondarhul Alexandru sa-l intreb daca exista vreo masina care se duce la Oasa vineri.

 

 

Insa acu' nu mai e 2 dimineata.

 

Acum nu vreau sa ma duc sa-mi cumpar pantaloni,

sau sa risc oameni ipocriti si neintelegatori la Oasa

sau sa planific si sa conduc evenimentul ala

sau sa exist.

 

Of, bă.

 

 :/