Iască, and unexpected sunbeams and purpose

How do I


I feel like I am not doing worse than last year.

I was just going through the motions there, as I am now.

Doing what I had to do - as I now do what I have to do.

If I had to do something now, I'd do it.

I'd pair up whatever activity with swimming
or with church-ing.

I wasn't reaching further out of my comfort zone then than I am now.


I am not doing worse than in the last 12 months of employment.

My job now,

I feel,

is trying to find a stable hobby, (a stable video game is how I am currently approaching it), then a stable job.

That's what I feel.

I feel like I don't care as much about a hand-to-mouth job, as it does not define me,

Don't care much about living on my own - although I could - because I love these people and I think I'm doing well with them.

I'm looking for stuff to love.

'Feel like there's been a distinct lack of outgoing love from me for the past year or so.

My job was killing me and I was not loving it - that's why I ended up quitting really hard.

'Probably wouldn't mind it if I was loving it.

'Need to get better at this love-giving thingy as well, I guess. Like, I do love some stuff, but I find it easy to focus on what I don't love about it.

Also, like.

I did like solving problems and all. Would probably like conflict management , but probably not love it.

In the love scheme of things, liking (ma gandesc fix acums si s-ar putea sa am dreptate doar fix acum) doesn't quite matter, doesn't pull weight. Doesn't interfere with loving of shouldn't interfere with loving. Corelatie, nu cauzalitate.

Doamne-ajută, anyway. 

Sper c-o duci olea' mai bine la primire decat la expediere.

I don't know where i'm going with this but by God I hope i'm going somewhere.

 

 

We live in a society


Nu se mai faciliteaza traiul in baza instinctului de supravietuire.

cei care-l folosesc sunt cei care-au ajuns singur, si nici macar statul nu le mai da,
sau le da - fara sa faca nimic - si-atunci consuma pe droguri, ca apoi sa trebuiasca sa faca ceva sa primeasca mai mult.


eu daca m-as lasa de job m-ar tine mama in spate

m-ar tine toata viata.
pana moare,

doar dupa ce-ar muri mi s-ar activa instinctul de supravietuire, pentru ca atunci daca n-as mai face nimic n-as mai supravietui.

si-atunci trebuie facut ceva, trebuie trezit, trebuie, orice, in baza altui instinct.

 

'pui de-o nevasta si de-o mana de copii eventual, si-apoi gasesti motiv,

pentru ca proiectezi ca ei isi doresc comfort, si traiesti pentru comfortul lor.

Ii iubesti, si pentru ca ii iubesti vrei sa le fie bine, si bine le-ar fi comfort. Le-ar fi scoli bune, si birouri bune, si scroll scroll bun si cont de economii.

Tu nu-ti doresti asta - nu tare tare, nu pentru tine - dar pentru ei iti doresti. Iti doresti, pentru ca iti imaginezi ca ei isi doresc, si-atunci dorinta lor este ceva mai mare, ceva mai puternic, ceva ce poate inlocui instinctul de supravietuire.

Cam asta inseamna, de fapt, sa traiesti pentru familie, speculez. Desi cumva sper ca n-am dreptate.

 

Nonetheless, can't base it all off of survival instinct.

Ma gandesc ca aia cu universal basic income, pe care o vad plauzibila intr-o forma sau alta - cum si la limba universala s-a cam ajuns, si pare clar ca se va cam ajunge, desi nu-i Esperanto - asa pare ca-i si cu universal basic income, si apoi se oficializeaza faptul ca nimeni nu mai are nevoie de instinct de supravietuire.

Un alt instinct in baza caruia sa ne miscam. Sau, ceva, non-instinct? Nu stiu.

Ce zic adventistii cu "iesiti dintre ei" ar putea avea sens. Cumva, iti ai grija de pamant si traiesti din ce produce pamantul.

Dar cumva ne-ntoarcem la traiul pe baza instinctului de supravieuire.

Renuntam la ideea ca vor trai doar cei care vor cauza evolutie (prin chestii care aduc mai mult decat universal basic income) si mergem pe ideea ca luam supravietuirea in locul evolutiei.

.

.

.

I don't know. I don't know where I'm going with this, but by God, I hope I'm getting somewhere. 

Mai vorbim.

Explorarea potentialului

 Potential superficial - explorare, inainte de exploatare.

Show-off conversational si cele mai faine momente la mare cu Delia.

Teoretizam: atat fizic, cat si, in contextul acesta, psihic...

Let's drop it.

Cosmin doing dives la strand in Codlea.

Being wild on the mountain trail.

But maybe also being wild in conversations.

Does she *Need*, no, do I Need her to be wild in conversation?

It'd be cool if, but what if this is my thing, my guy thing? My type of sparring and showing off.

Asta s.ar putea sa fi mers cu Delia S, poate cu Teo, poate cu Ioana. Showing off and tempting them to join this dance of mine.

But maybe acting too wild would make it unattractive to join in; at best maybe just pleasant to watch from afar. Maybe being good at this dance would imply leading them in.

I guess this has been my invitation to dance. To drop the pleasantries and go deep and wild. Depth has been declined. Wildness has been half-accepted, but I might have taken it as deeply accepted.

Then rejection came in.

What if I would have goaded her to dance? Teased the dance steps out of her?

How does one do that?

Food for thought.

Lead them into deep-ness. Show them the joy of deep thought; of how good it feels to properly think.

Does she Need to be a dancer?

Maybe.

Can't say.

But I will learn how to dance with people.

"Parca am fi beti, vorbim despre treburi d-astea."

Join me in my drunkenness.

Let's work on that.

Projecting

Of, bă. Chiar toti stiti fix cum sta treaba? Si va e frica de ideea ca ar putea sta altfel? Chiar nimeni nu-i interesat de church-hopping zilele astea?

Craving

This: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2wLyhgeYsw And this: https://youtu.be/DZvVaOwJNk8 This too, to tell the full story

Status quo

 

Interviews and lotr board game and study group awkwardness .

Si cate si mai cate.

Duminica dimineata - Oasa

 How does one even.

Difficult to listen.

~praises as to someone whom one does not