later that day: ci fac, bă?!

train yourself to let go,
of everything you fear to lose.



...
why shes great:
- pretty.
it always freakin' starts with pretty. why in the world... you don't even know that. you almost know that's not the super-case. it's just... prettiable. a face you can make yourself think about. and that is, probably, because
- accessible.
it could work. one way or another, it could work, there is, at the very least, the illusion of it working, and of it being fun. mermaid effect?
- hobbies.
freakin' hobbies, are not even top things. and she Does have hobbies that you are really into. but they are not the first thing you think about
- open-mindedness.
.
.
.

the more i think the more i see.

it is the... potential cure for loneliness that she presents. she is pretty damn great, for several reasons, but the main reason you... have trouble with her is because she could be a source of affection. in a world where, one way or another, you are running out of affection.


you
are running out
of affection.

and you... cling to it, are almost (?!?!) desperate for it.  that's why you want her. you want someone to love you, and, right now, she seems to be....
it seems like she could become a source of affection. the source of affection.

you seem to be at the stage where this cute, open-minded person who has cool hobbies has been reduced to a potential source of affection. those would be just excuses to make her love you.

starved off afection. pushed away all potential sources of affection...

si-atunci, nici nu... conteaza. dar, ar fi corect.

ce cred ca nu-i bine la ea:

- aisel imi povesteste despre cruzime. she seems kind to me but the person i was told about is not kind.
- she is going to freakin' Nam for several Months. si daca merge, o sa fie, in prima faza, o relatie lunga la distanta.

.
.
.
si asta, de-asta data, ar putea fi chiar ok. chiar la distanta, am putea avea chestii.







sunt...atat de biased. pentru faptul ca e o potentiala sursa de afectiune, mi-e atat de greu sa consider tot.
as putea sa cad in atatea gauri.
si sunt atat de plin de atatea incertitudini...


i seriously need some help from God here, because i cannot...
can i not.

rely on friends. for love. for appreciation and pats on the back.

i should get some friends
i should get in touch with some friends.


i pushed everyone....

but this is not the end of it all.


ai nevoie de oameni cu care sa vorbesti, dude. carora sa le pese de tine, si sa te faca sa nu te-arunci in foc, sa nu o arunci in foc.

sa nu faci ceva aiurea doar de dragul nevoii de afectiune.



stiu ca ti-i greu, frati. si ca esti nedormit zilele astea, si, gen, obosit emotional in sensul in care-ti mananca fix resursele alea pe care nu le ai.
si ca ti-e frica sa n-o pierzi ca sursa de afectiune, mai ales in zilele astea.

dar ea, cel mai probabil, nu e atat de disperata dupa afectiune. a trait fara baieti toata viata pana acum, eu sunt doar un element exterior, neutru, ea are echilibrul ei. n-o sa-i fie atat de greu.

n-o mai juca... mult. cantitativ. joac-o calitativ. scrie-i mesaje scurte si curpinzatoare. vorbeste cu ea putin, cat sa confirmi ca esti acolo, si eficient, cat sa-i confirmi ca esti o persoaana misto (dinnou, o persoana misto, nu o persoana care ar putea s-o iubesca!). arata-i, arata-ti, ca nu faci treburile astea pentru ea pentru ca este o fiinta oarecare de sex opus. cantareste-ti aprecierile si ofera-le doar cand trag la cantar.


nu...  te folosi de ea. ii o persoana misto. exista un univers in care v-ati putea bucura unul de altul, dar intai ca doi oameni frumosi, si apoi ca un cuplu frumos.

don't drain her of her emotional energy.
...


hai ca poti, frati.
si, pana una-alta, hai s-o rezolvam cu cazarea si cu munca.
esti spre bine, ba,
esti ci treb'e.







on a side note: welcome to adulthood. again.