Fear

 Check it —
Can I be real a second?
For just a millisecond?
Let down my guard and tell the people how I feel a second?
Now I'm the model of a modern major general
The venerated Virginian veteran whose men are all
Lining up to put me up on a pedestal

Every anxious thought that steals my breath
It's a heavy weight upon my chest
As I lie awake and wonder what the future will hold
Help me to remember that You're in control

 

 

I'm looking for a place
Where I can plant my faith
One thing I know for sure
I cannot create it
And I cannot sustain it
It's your love that's keeping me

 

 Nu stiu daca am auzit,

insa daca n-am auzit ar trebui spus, sau re-spus, sau...

faith is the opposite of fear.

'think i heard that fear is the opposite of love, that'd make some sort of sense too.

That's... what I think it is.

That's my self-diagnosis.

That's what I feel.

Si se izvbeste de mine-n valuri, ca valurile, ca toate valurile, ca multe valuri.

always has been.

And i've fought it before, by defying it.

Fuck your fear, zicea James Winter, de la Improv Soc.

'been doing that for a while, now and then. Streaks of fearlessness based on defying fear.

Public speaking, despite fear.

Getting into conversations with pretty girls on the bus,

or, asking girls out even. 'Guess 's how 've been able to get into relationships at times but not quite make them work.

Moving to a different country, or to a city i knew nothing and noone about.

'been there, done that.

Defied fear.

Such a great page.

Nici nu stiu sa scriu in juru' imaginii asteia, so we'll have to proceed like this for now.

In hindsight, i think that's what it is.

In tabere unde nu stiam pe nimeni.

Din biserica-n biserica.

You defy fear, and see where it leads you.

Often takes you places. Often took me cool places, at leaast.

But defying fear is a form of running away from it. It is a way of... Not fighting it.

I guess that's why it's so tiring.

Maybe that's why I'm so perma-tired.

Because when I'm at my best, I keep doing it. Keep defying fear.

And when I'm at my worst, I let myself be overwhelmed.

Hide away in social-less-ness and porn and random youtubes.

Maybe that's why I'm craving for a video game so good, or some work so good that it sucks me in completely, so that I do not have to defy fear because I defy Everything.

 

Facing fear, I think, is... staring it in the face. Doing what you have to do while being afraid. While also fearing.

 

Dunno.

Thinking.

 

 

But I do feel overwhelmed, for goodness' sake.

 

Si ma gandesc cu drag si-usor amar,

Zână, asta-i ce simți și tu. Deși Poate încă nu te-ai prins.

In fighting this, I'll become a better human for you.

 

If I am right, 

and i think there is a chance,

we'll one day be together again. One day, for good.

 

Cumva ma bucur ca nu acum. This would've been much for you, especially since you've got plenty on your plate right now as well.

 Zână de om. Cine știe ce-o să ajungi și tu. Cine o să ajungi.

 

 'been uber-awkward this morning, cu bety si alex, la donat de sange.

si-apoi dinnou la interviu.

 

'Goodness' sake, oare cand o sa-nvat... cand o sa pot... cand o sa...

Steadily do socially well? 

 

Oare chiar...

ugh.

no s-o adunat suficienta experienta sociala...

 

Practice makes perfect. Cica, de fapt, nu. Perfect practice makes perfect.

 

 

Real' trying, brother'o'mine. Or, trying to really try.

Cand vei citi asta, sa te gandesti la iasi,

si la schimbatu' de apartament si al cum centrala s-o frecat, si totusi cumva merge-n seara asta si proprietaru' vrea maine sa discutam contracte.

 

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.

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24. Şi îndată strigând tatăl copilului, a zis cu lacrimi: Cred, Doamne! Ajută necredinţei mele. 

 

  frățior al meu drag,

cine stie ce-o s-ajungi si tu.

cine-o s-ajungi si tu.

da, si psihologu' in care nu mai am incredere.

and forcing yourself to ask people for favors 

and...

poate devenim sintetici.

i'll just hit the publish button now.