feels on ballroom

 

“you are not looking for a romance, you don’t see us as a couple,

Where did you get the impression that I care about all of that?!

 

The only thing I care about is the lesson I can snatch from this whole relationship,

I don’t care how you feel about all of this,

I don’t care how I  feel about all of this.

 

The only thing I care about is what I do about this,

What this teaches me how to do

What this forces me to do.

 

You extras.”

 

 

So, what is wrong with this sentence?

 

 

Me not caring about that person. Not being affected by what she thinks. Just ticking a box, answering a multiple choice question and going down a way.

Not caring how she feels because I do not care about how I feel about how she feels, I just wanna play this right.

‘s why I don’t care about so many things about girls lately, I just care about getting my couple half-bit right. Becoming good at being part of a couple.

 

 

 

 

“the one who is the most sick of this

Is me.”

 

 

… I don’t know, brother. I do not know. t‘is all sounds rational. Hindseeing.

Doesn’t feel right, but does sound right. We’ll get back to it.

 

It was

 

Starting to look better.

 

Conversations were closer to optimal, and you started listening more.

It was small, but it was there,

Not always in that it was good, but that it was a lot less often bad. You’d cringe at things you have said a lot less often. That is how it felt. Like you were starting to get it.

 

Calculating, double checking. Not forcing, for the most part. Getting steady.

And then,

You started losing it.

 

You started talking over people more,

You started…

See, I don’t know, in the conversation with ann, I don’t even know if it was that obvious.

You did have a rhythm at some point, but that had to break due to external circumstances. And ever since that break it felt awkward.

Ever since you moved. Asking her out, was off and awkward. The confession was more what… you imagined, than what you believed. You could’ve probably made the same confession one month before that too.

“nothing personal, kid”.

 

You started forcing it, making things be as you believed they should be, at the cost of other people.

And you lost your eye smile.

 

But that,

I feel,

Happened after your confession. Either by causation or by coincidence, socially speaking, your qualities started going down after that. Or, you started noticing it.

 

And not liking a person because of who you are around them.

 

But at the same time, around that time, many other things happened.

‘was about the time you started volunteering,

And when you decided you’d rebuild your relationships with your parents,

And when you started going for the teaching path too.

 

 

So, a lot has happened within those few weeks. You cannot… blame it all on one thing.

It was also the time when you started walking. You had a lot going on.

 

 

So I don’t know if that is it.

 

But maybe the smile itself,

Maybe that is the root of it.

Maybe that was one big mistake, forcing a confession out of yourself.

 

 

I don’t know, brother.

I don’t know.