brain stash

 

‘s been a while,

Huh?

26/05/18.

 

On baptism. On baptism day, hopefully.

 

 

This is a statement. This is a statement about who I am and what I believe.

This is a statement about two titles: one that I rejected, and one that I neglected.

 

I was born in Romania. There, the main religion is Christian-Orthodox. In my paperwork, I am a white Christian male. As my mother was going to an evangelical church, I was brought up in an evangelical environment, and was content with my spiritual identity. That was, until I started asking questions. Lots of questions. Questions without answer.

 

There are many things that people associate christianity with, but what can not be denied is that white christian male, over time, has been associated with a lot of acts of cruelty.

- crusades, hundreds of years ago

- discrimination and oppression today.

 

I was about 16 when I went to church and I was outraged by the message. I remember going home and wandering around restlessly thinking “no, this is not what I am”. It was the day when I rejected the title of white christian male, when I decided to set off and find my own path. I stopped associating myself with the christian community. Still went to church, occasionally, but refused the title.

 

The other title, is that of child of God. That, I never truly rejected. When I set off to find my own path, I set off to find God. I decided that God is love, and nothing else, that was, that still is, my one and only axiom; the one theory I would not accept an argument against. I have, for my whole life, considered myself a child of God; I was blessed by God, over and over again, both when I was towards him and when I was wandering off the path. But I have, indeed, neglected God. I preached love and kindness, but I failed to show it at the crucial time. This is the title I ignored.

 

So as I stand here, today, before the world that is seen and the world that is unseen, and I wish to reconcile with these two titles. I wish to bear the burden of the cruelty caused by the white christian male, and to do my very best to (improve the reputation of this name). So if you have been hurt, rejected, abandoned, I wish to apologise, in the name of the worldwide christian community that I am joining. (physically).

I accept the honour and responsibility to declare that I am a son of God. A quote. “Kindness is the luxury of the strong”. I am here to confess that I am weak, and sinful, and guilt-ridden, but that through Jesus’ death and resurrection I am born again, strong and free. So as I touch the water, I pray that I will raise again, as Love and Kindness.

11.05/2018

 

‘s been a while, huh?

 

‘goes like this.

 

People are cities.

 

This is an old thought, but its body is quite new. It started in Birmingham, after I went on the walking tour. The city itself is pretty cool, except right now it’s one huge construction site. Because every few decades it gets destroyed/destroys itself and it takes some years to build up again. And I ended up thinking: “Huh. That’s a lot like me, ain’t it?”. Constantly rebuilding and all. Even the idea of storing up important attractions and then bringing them back out when the reconstruction is finished.

 

And I went on that line and I ended up realising that people are a lot like cities. And relationships, are a bit like visiting a city too. Some you just pass through. Some you know the railway station and the one building you have business in and that’s it. Others you end up liking. Visiting a lot. Renting a place for a few months, going there early and leaving late when you have business to do within.

 

And then I remembered this book, where the dude writes about music being a city. There’s this bit  about how the main character, a trouper, knows all its ins and outs. And then he meets Her. She’s a brilliant singer, but not an experienced one, and there’s this comparison between them. How he knows every street, every shortcut, and can move around freely, but she… doesn’t. But because she knows the music by heart, and not by mind, she just flows, floats through the city. She doesn’t need a map, because she plays by different rules.

 

So I thought, individuals are… there is a certain mastery to every relationship. People are cities, and arts are cities, and, in a way, people are art too. This is where it gets feeble, but this is also where it gets personal.

 

I like getting lost in a city. Wandering random streets and finding random cool stuff. And one day I ended up going to this random far away city that a friend suggested, and it turned out to be a pretty cool city. So much complexity, and patterns I could not discern, and big, pretty buildings that you can see in the distance, in the heart of the city. And so little signage, and so much to get lost in, and so much to find. But visiting a city, after a while, you get tired of finding another dead-end. You start looking up and see cool big buildings and you think that maybe the only way to get there is… by flying.  Wish you took a different approach, that instead of wandering through and trying to learn its patterns, you’d have  just found a different way to do things. Start thinking that maybe the rules you play by stop you from flying. Or that maybe you don’t need to be there.

 

Strange thoughts, friend. At the end of the day, they might be worth keeping. Keeping for yourself. Take care take care take care.

30/04/2018

 

Leviticus 26. Se pare ca de la 40 in colo. Si Ephesians 1: 3-14.

 

Confession of sins followed by the breaking of chains. Toate pe “pls, gth”

 

Sins. Nu-I prima oara cand o iau in brate si sunt… Amenintat? Atentionat? Warned? SI-n Capernwray dimineata.

 

Is this about the sins of my ancestors? Towards my ancestors? Ca mi-am parasit parintii?

Please, be my strength.

Sau, relational? Ca am dormit unde n-a trebuit? Ca am faptuit si intentionat?

Ca nu m-am… paie. Pa-ie.

 

Sunt curios daca functia (Indu, Ann) ii un cuptor cu microunde (sub-researched, deeply rooted belief) sau ii ceva ce nu-I ok. La fel si cu dormitul pe unde n-a trebuit.

 

Dar… cu parintii?

 

Oare pentru ca am fost creat s-o salvez pe mama, chiar trebuie s-o salvez pe mama? Sa salvez… familia?

 

Sau, poate e doar… Hm. Doar. Chestia cu Teaching Personnel. Ideea ca ei nu stiu ca intentionez sa ii parasesc curand dupa ce ma primesc.

 

Nu stiu. Chiar nu stiu. Apreciez puzzle-ul. Poate raspunsul e doar TP. Poate-s doar parintii. Dar, TP cred ca chiar e un raspuns. Parintii…

Mama?

 

Poate puzzle-ul ii facut sa imi arate TP in timp ce-mi da indincii la parinti.

Ann, si intamplarile relationale trecute, par a fi conectate spiritual, supra-rational, cu mama.

 

Nuj.

Pls, gth pls gt-h.

 

‘gosh, that could be seen so wrong.

 

What I mean is,

God,

Please, be my strength.

 

Dunno if I have any more. But mine-s suboptimal.

 

Ty.

22/04/18.

 

Posts have been getting longer and longer.

Wonder if it is because there’s no one to talk to. ‘wonder if that can get sorted. ‘wonder, still, if I will. So much wonder. And the greatest wonder of all is if that relationship is over God’s wondrous way of doing stuff.

 

.

.

.

 

‘twas all going so well, initially. And then I had to give her “the talk”.

We were having conversations, and I asked questions, and I held her hand, and she was “not complaining”. I held her hand. She was “not complaining”. dude. :/.

If only we could return to that save game.

But we cannot. And still I did… I did ask God for help, right? Like, to take the thing in his own hands. But how… far? How much can I just toss a coin and say “This is God’s answer”?. Because I also didn’t do this to the very end. If I did this, I would have not finished Hero Aca that morning, I would’ve gone there an hour early. And established the path to Morrisons. And I was told to act patiently but I… couldn’t, I lost it, got carried away, don’t even know how I… how I got to that conversation. It would’ve been so cool. Maybe even if I just left it at “being wanted”, if I left it at… if I left it.

Dunno, dude, like, so much…. misplayment. In the middle of nowhere where she couldn’t have escaped me.

And she did consider going early…. but she could’ve just said that… but…

But, dude, but.

 

I don’t know. And her immediate reactions were ‘kay. And we did keep talking about cool stuff. But it did feel like she just wanted to get away at the very last moment.

 

But this is all scenarios. Lemme give you another scenario. Another perspective.

 

So, ‘twas super annoying at first because you had some relatively contrary opinions to her. And then got lost on the way to the track. And then on the track, had a pointless argument with her at the “save game”. And then you grabbed by the hand without giving her any heads-up. But, then you sat down and talked, and explained all that she means to you. Explained why you would need her to want you, made her express her feelings more. And she was not prepared, but her answer was not a no, was more among the liens of “you would be what I’m looking for, but I’m not looking right now”. and then when you made strong eye contact and confessed it all. And then you proceeded to get lost but keep talking to keep her calm and… yeah. Cool experience, first time hiking in the uk and getting there safe. And cute pointlessness at the train station and her just trying to get away so she can think about stuff…

 

This is so fluffy. This is not why you’re here, dude. You’re not here to sugar-coat stuff.

Where did bad stuff spring from?

- it still feels like “generally going with what you feel the universe is telling you” was not the problem here. Needs further research, but should’ve probably not watched that hero aca episodes there.

- emotional instability. And this is so not right and so not an excuse but… yeah. Really yeah.

I.        .. don’t know, dude. Since I have not done better, I don’t know if I could’ve done better. But please, pretty please, very please. Do keep timing and positioning in mind next time. Stuff like “wait, no, this is a story for another time” does come in handy at times.

And, fluffy or not, it did end up with conversation afterwards. She did talk about herself, although so much more before and less after. But, from this whole thing. Even with emotional instability and stuff, you can take timing and positioning. Just be hyper-aware of that. And this. That you cannot remember much of what she said because you were focused on your “play”. you could’ve asked questions. That would’ve helped cut the tension quite a bit. “talk to me about the last manga you read”, or the last game, or stuff like that. But you did panic. Because of lack of experience, lack of This particular misplay. Not kissing her, I think it’s right. I think it would’ve been wrong. Mid-nowhere with nowhere to escape, after being rejected, no. Holding pointless arguments… I don’t know, at the end of the day she did bring it to her mother so it was k, but holding pointless arguments is not k. don’t think that in particular is the end of the world. This is, however, what we take from the experience. Really watch your timing and positioning. Make sure she has an easy way out.

But also, overthinking, you need to stop at some points. You need to stop after the next conversation. If you did not want to….but… you did not know, until you thought it to the end. The confession about your mind being in love with her and … al that… I don’t know, dude.

 

The main point is, there really is nothing you can do… see, here’s the other things.

But for the other things, you need to think rationally, so we’ll eat and then come back to this :^). You need to watch out for conversations with yourself too to an extent.

26 (thursday) and 30 (monday).

 

 

 

 

 

Ceva ușor, de dimineață,

De 18/04.

 

Could I be... rolling with it too hard?

 

These people seem to be a little desperate to get teachers, but, currently I am no teacher. ‘course starts in 5 months, but with all the paperwork and all…

 

Dunno, is it bullshit? Would these months be enough to gain some… ground under my feet?

Plus, 5 months is theory, there’s a big summer holiday bang on in the middle. How big? Brb.

Huh, that’s midway through July. So there are 3 months.

 

Am I not prepared to be a hero, is the question? Should I, rather, be an underpaid teacher for a year?

 

The answer seems to be no.

It might be that I actually am. That I did make up my mind, and that I do have some time to get prepared for it.

 

So far, Primary Maths in Rotherham.

 

And if they were to throw me in the middle of a bunch of children,

Well,

They’d better be prepared. Because on that day, they’d be learning math. They would be loving math.

 

 

For

Kindness’ sake.

 

 

Șpooky. Still, be strong, brother. For deafness, there’s been… something. Something either incompletely or incorrectly justified, something unjustified. I should keep that something in mind. But for now, there seems to be something else. Another round of stuff that’s being thrown at me, so I will take it.

 

God help me do stuff.

Grr.

No.

Well, actually, yeah, “prayer’s personal” doctrine still works when you’re writing personal stuff, so yes, please, do help me with this, God. I ask In Jesus’ name.

And I am, indeed, thankful for all this stuff. ‘s not even “this mess”, because it is not, at least for now, that messy, even.

 

‘should maybe apply for some experience today and see where it takes me. Hm.

Anyways, brb, doing good stuff.

 

 

As a … As a man once said: hey, maybe it is time to do some brain dumping.

 

 

“I was tired,

Of giving more than you gave to me,

And I desired

A truth I would not have to seek”

But…? In the silence?…?

 

 

It might be time to be adults again. Don’t know if you noticed, I’m not a big fan of this, but…

I think it is time to be adults again for a bit.

 

See, I brought this up before, but I was not being an adult about it. And maybe it was not the right time to be an adult about it, but I think now it is. I think now it is because I want to become emotionally involved with you.

 I keep re-examining the theory and I can’t quite figure out why, but I think there might be something deeper inside of me that draws me to you. That doesn’t matter. Doesn’t matter, so I won’t say it.

 

But I will say that I would like to become emotionally involved with you.

 

See, I don’t do this. I don’t like being accepted. If I am accepted, normally, I accept back and leave. But you’re this weird kind of special, that made me come back over and over again. I don’t know, between your cuteness and your beauty, between your wittiness and your darkness, between straightforwardness and pattern-less-ness. I don’t know, between many things, I really think you’re one of the coolest people I’ve met. So I kept coming back, although it often felt like you were accepting me, maybe just a step closer than accepting me. But I will grow tired of this.

See, my new habits of talking to you only a few times a week, they are supported by the fact that I know you’re busy and all, and seriously influenced by me being physically tired, and being very likely to be awkward in conversation when I’m tired. But at the end of the day, it is because I feel like with every conversation, I grow tired towards you.

 

I don’t need you to need me, little pixie. But if you do want me, if you do want my existence to be part of your life, you really need to show this to me.

I did not need to be an adult about this because it was an interesting prospect. Honestly, I have huge trust issues, ‘don’t know if this is obvious or not, so having the option to just stop talking to you with no repercussions made me feel comfortable. But I would like to become emotionally involved with you. And I would like to know, and I would probably need to be reminded, if you do want to become emotionally involved with me. Not if you would accept it, but if you would want it.

 

And if you don’t, that is okay.

I will, if I may,

Accept that :^)

 

Where does this come into play?

I think I did hit an important point here. Her Wanting to become emotionally involved with me, rather than accepting it.

 

Maybe this is a conversation. A conversation about how I do think she’s one of the coolest people I’ve met. Although I do feel that there’s a lot more to her, that there might be, even, things you don’t want to share yet. Still, I am drawn to you. I was attracted by the way you think, and after we met I became attracted to the way you are.

Hey, maybe it is time to do some brain dumping.

 

15/04/08. Start at 7:700

 

Ever since my childhood I’ve been scared, I’ve been afraid

Of being trapped by circumstances

Of staying in one place.

 

Dubioasa zi,

Nu-I asa?

Duminica.

 

I wonder if I’ll manage to make it flow.

 

It starts with one,

 

And it seems like I’m particularly distracted from this thought so I should push onwards. Interesting how I did notice, did Know that I’m distracted by bad stuff from this thought. Keep that in mind for future use,

But.

 

My water baptism.

 

Baptism is a public declaration, to the world that is seen and unseen, that I do believe Christ came to this world and died for my sins, and that I am a sinner and that I cannot go on without Christ.

 

Do you believe that?

 

In honesty.

 

In super honesty.

In percentage, my mind is saying that it’s like 95%.

Somewhere between “I believe it more than I believe anything else” and “ I believe it more than I don’t”.

 

Jesus said: water baptism. Jesus was baptised.

 

But isn’t that

Contextual?

 

Didn’t Jesus kinda say to have communion every time we meet?

 

Funny enough, I do not know.

 

But, baptism, possibilities.

Reluctance.

Reluctance because I am not certain. Because while I do want to believe, I also want to believe that which is right. And I want to believe that I can be proven wrong.

 

But it’s all so

History

Inaccuracy

Politics and uncertain information from an uncertain past.

 

In truth, it is all about what you choose, what you want to believe.

 

I say that I would accept being proved wrong, but what kind of proof would it be, that Jesus did not exist, or that He was not resurrected, or… all that. See, even belief in that, is only as much as there is belief in any event that was 2000 years ago. Do I think Caesar was a good ruler? Dunno. Can’t know. History’s written by the victors. By the survivors. It can be manipulated.

 

In truth, I do not know, and I would not like to dedicate my life to finding out. Honestly.

 

But we believe what we want to believe, and I do want to believe, above everything else, that God is Love. God is absolute Love. Because I want to believe that, because I believe that, grr, I believe that 100%, I 100% BELIEVE THAT GOD IS LOVE, BTW!. right. Because I believe that, it would make sense. It would make sense that he would disagree with non-love, and firmly disagree and punish anti-love. Because he is the force of Love. He*. It would make sense that He’d want to create a world of love, and anti-love cannot be there. Anti-love would not like it there, so it would be fitting for it to be removed.

 

It makes sense that we’re so freakin’ messed up that we cannot be love. We cannot be fully of love. We mess up, and feel guilty about messing up which messes us up, or don’t care about messing up, which is messed up. So he did need to do something to stop the circle of mess-ups. Create, send? Someone who is not messed up, and make him, Him, suffer all that messes you up. All that makes you mess up. And then, after he got messed up literally enough for a whole world of people messing up, he’d still do k.

Like, maybe when you don’t mess up your goodness’ value increases, proportionately. You mess up-get messed up. 1 for 1, or 1 for 1-ish. But when you don’t mess up and get messed up. Suffering for what you’ve not done, that, is good. That is goodness. You enduring, fighting on through suffering for what you’ve not done, that makes the world a better place. Turning the other cheek, that makes the world a better place.

 

Turning the other cheek,what a concept.

 

Still, there He is. That is what He is. He, the eternally k, sent to suffer the messes of those who mess.stuff. That, to me, makes sense. That I believe could have happened. I believe that God is Love, and I see the rationality of God, who is Love, doing that. I’m 100% on God being love, and 100% on Love working like that and doing that. I believe that the birth and death of Jesus Christ makes sense, under the axiom that God is Love.

Here is where I’m not 100%. I do not believe that it can be proved to me that this is what happened. I don’t think I can be certain of Jesus. I am certain it is very plausible, and I do not have an alternative I believe. I believe that more than anything else. That is reasonably well phrased.

That is where I would accept to have my mind changed. I could understand, and would consider, an alternative to the patterns, to the way in which God, Love, operates. I don’t have examples. A man who became so perfect, so under control, so in touch with the universe, with Love, that he became one with Love? Does not sound unreasonable either. That we could dedicate our lives to becoming like that? I don’t know. I think Love would prefer if we’d dedicate our life to doing good stuff to each other. I…

I don’t know, honestly. I do not know the alternatives to Christianity. I know several alternatives within Christianity and I think they’re mostly k; just variations on the same theme, of God being Love and sending Jesus and doing Love stuff.

 

So, am I a Christian? Yes. More than I am anything else. And I see no reason not to choose to believe in Christ, and not to follow Him and His example. It makes sense to me. It makes me feel better. It makes me feel really good, casting all of my anxieties upon him, and praying and doing good stuff for him. I believe it is the good thing to do, the right thing to do.

 

Do I think that baptism through water is the right thing to do? Maybe. I would have no reluctance to declare, to tell anyone who asked, in the world that is seen and in the world that is not seen, that I do follow Christ. That I want to be as close to the God of Love, to be part of the body of the church which wants to do His will.

Do I think this will be a radical change? I do not. I believe that I am currently trying as hard as I can, I my own clumsy ways, to get close to God, to be what God wants me to be. I believe that if there was something I knew for sure I could do better, I would make active efforts towards it, both now and after being baptised. I believe I am actively trying to be the man that God wants me to be. I do not believe that after being baptised I will drink less. Or I would watch different shows, play different games… don’t know, volunteer more, you name it. I think if I’d find it rational, if I’d think that doing something different is the will of God, I’d start doing my best towards doing it right now. I do mess up in my speech, by telling white lies, or by saying stuff I don’t really mean, or by complaining, or being rude, or… you name it. I know I mess up in many ways. And I do wish I’d mess up less. Would I redouble my effort to not do that after being baptised? I couldn’t tell. If I knew I could then, I probably could now, I probably would now.

 

What I mean is, I have tried to change for better for a really long time, and I’ve been actively, intensely trying to make big changes for the past 2 years at least. And I’ve failed, repeatedly. And I’ve learned that small, steady changes, is the way to go. I do not… believe that baptism would cause a great change, of any kind, to myself. Will I read the Bible more? Maybe. Maybe I should now, but I can’t… see it. I should, maybe, make a small habit of reading the Bible regularly, but I can’t see it. I read the daily bible passage and message from “Our Daily Bread”, an internet resource of small, daily messages based on Bible readings. Right now, I think that having a daily clear and structured message to think about throughout the day is more beneficial to me than a random daily chapter from the Bible. I just feel that it gives God more opportunity to speak to me. But maybe I could do both. I’d have to think about it.

But, I also think God wants me to be a healthy man, and wants me to have a successful career, to become a more valuable resource for him. To make more money that I can give to church missions or charitable associations, to be a respected professional whom people would listen to when he speaks, maybe not even about Christ, but about Love. So I am not entirely sure whether God would like me to spend an extra hour every day on reading the Bible or to spend the same amount of time taking an online course, or exercising.

 

What I mean is, I do not believe water baptism would cause a major change in my life. I do not feel the need to openly declare the fact that I belong to Christ, similar to how I do not feel the need to openly declare the fact that I graduated from a certain university. God has done really good stuff for me, and is doing really good stuff for me…. And if someone asks “why is this part of your life so good?” I wish that I could find a way to respond that it is because God has blessed me with it. But I do not feel the need to stop people on the road and tell them that God has done really good stuff for me. I do not feel the need to stand up in a room, any room, full of people and say “hey, stop what you’re doing and listen: God has done really good stuff for me”. But if a room full of people, from a world that we see, and from a world that we do not see, were to stop what they were doing and ask “do you believe that you are a sinner, and through Christ who has died for you, you have been redeemed and can start over every day as if you were sinless?”, I’d answer a firm “Yes.”

 

So here I am, asking God for certainty. A few weeks back I asked for prayer, because, and those are exactly the words I said, “I do not believe.” . This is the long version of that short statement. I am not certain. I am not certain and honestly, I do not believe I can be 100% certain that the story of Jesus is completely true. And I am asking God for certainty. God has showed me, through my own spiritual experience, that I can trust Him, and has spoken to me through both Bible and random books I’ve read. Through pastors and through people I just happened to be listening to. So I am certain that God, who is Love, has love for me as well, and that he does want to use me as a tool to spread his love, to amplify his love.

 

This is what I believe. My creed, if you wish. And when I think about water baptism, I am considering it, and when people share communion, I consider taking it as well. I’ve been to church for many years. I might know all the theory that I need to know by now, but I am not convinced that me taking part in these rituals would not be hypocrisy.

 

If only for that 5% of me that I can not convince to believe.

But believe what, now that we’re being adults about it?

Believe that this story is the only story that is true? Would you really want to believe that? You are a man of stories, you believe that there is truth in every story. And what do you care about accuracy? What if the story’s slightly off, but the message is right? I’ve recently heard, in a christian podcast, historical arguments that the Exodus is pretty far from historically accurate. Does that make Christian fate any less true? Does that affect what you believe, at all?

So, yeah, maybe I do believe. Maybe that 5% is quite insignificant after all. That 5% room for human error. Even if the story is 5% wrong, that does not change the message. That the world would not make sense, that most of us would be unable to act as integral human beings, as Good human beings, without there being a price to be paid every time we mess up.

So God is Love, maybe God is Love cannot make sense without this.

God is Love -> God loves us -> God wants us to be love too -> we are love. It’s…. just… a missing link. We cannot be love, not alone, not completely left to our own devices.

If God wants us to be love. Loving people know, feel that there is a price to be paid for messing up. That is what would keep us from being loving, the fact that loving people would know that they cannot keep being loving without paying the price for all their mess-ups. All the inefficiencies, the accidents. So God did pay that price, and the story of Christ is, at worst, at the 5% of me that does not believe, God’s illustration of how he has paid the price, and how we can benefit from the price being paid, we can act as if the price has been paid. Just like Genesis is God’s illustration of how the world was created, put in simple words, as for the audience of that book, the story of Christ is, at the very worst, a similar illustration to how the price for the sins in Genesis, for the sins that keep recurring today, has been paid.

 

So here I am, with certainty. The certainty that God is Love, the certainty that humans have messed up, and the certainty that God (probably through Jesus) has given humans the possibility to heal the wound that they have inflicted upon themselves. The possibility to keep healing the wounds that humans keep inflicting upon themselves, and the hope that one day, we’ll stop hurting each other.

 

Does this make me a Christian? Am I now ready to be baptised, born again through water and Holy Spirit? I heard that “those who’ve never doubted, never truly believed”. Is this the point where I’ve finished doubting? “Look! There’s some water! Why can’t I be baptised?”

 

*sigh*?

 

Question mark?. Acts 8:36-37, btw.

Such an interesting thing you are, Brian.

Such an interesting day it is,

Always is,

Sunday.

 

 

 

 

Hungry Hungry Brian.

 

0...8. 08/04/18.

cool numbers.

Sunday, nonetheless.

 

 

Gaaaaaah. Don’t care, don’t care when you started, don’t care when you finish. Gah. Gah. Nici nu mi-am dat seama ca vreau sa tip.

Si cica if you can’t handle yourself at your worst…

Damn. In capu’ meu sun ca Manolache.

Such an underrated guy.

 

Fac cercuri in jurul ei.

Aia fac.

 

Am citit de curand ca tre’ sa am grija sa nu-mi fac idoli din chestii. Inclusiv oameni.

Iar azi am citit ca…

Cmon, ceva, 2 chronicles?…

Suffering! Cre’ca suffering. Nu cred ca chronicles. Something about being God’s slave and suffering and if you suffer for stuff that you do you suffer for yourself but if you suffer for stuff you’re unjustly made to suffer for, you suffer for God.

 

‘pare-asa irelevant in contextu’ zilei de azi.

 

Duminica. Dubioasa zi,

Mereu,

Duminica.

 

Mi-i interesant cum si Kvothe facea cercuri in jurul ei, tot asa, nestiind cum sa abordeze subiectu’.

Nici eu nu stiu, si-I cu atat mai interesant cu cat mi-I foame, si frig, asa ca mintea ar putea s-o dea in off-road-uri serioase.

 

 

Grr. Stai bre pi’ sub’ect.

 

De fapt, hai s-o mai invaluim putin.

 

Darkness.

Ci paname’ facem cu dărkăiala? She’s a fan. Despite all the stuff I think we love, she loves the dark side of it. Anime, but darky anime; video games, but darky video games. Cool music, but dark, cool music. I’m sure we could find some middle ground.

.

.

.

And my rational affection of the idea of us relies on “some middle ground”.

Stuff like walking, exploring is still blurry ground for me. Even more blurry for her, I think.

 

 

Si chiar si-asa, fratori, am impresia c-o frecam usor aiurea pentru ca nu despre asta-I vorba in ecuatie. Faptu’ ca noi, doi oameni, am putea gasi chestii interesante de facut impreuna….

 

Da. Nuj. Nu-I chiar atat de comun, dar, like, you’re two nerds. Despite all the bullshit, you could probably find tons of stuff in common with plenty of nerds. Think Raluca. Bam, citim chestii, avem muzici comune, she’s not against video games, we both like doing cool stuff and going cool places. Sure, she’s super cringy at bits, but aren’t we all? ‘could surely work with it, if it came down to this. Dar, her loud personality. Well. Yeah. Could probably work with that too.

Dunno what I’d feel about her dream of constantly risking her life about in weird countries, and being away most of the time but…

 

 

Ce-ncerc sa zic ii ca nu-I un capat de tara. Sunt, probabil, milioane de fete cu care-as putea avea o relatie misto. So, even if having this thought wouldn’t be harmful, it would be simply unjustified.

Da, ma gandeam la Doc, probabil Doc e un exemplu de “asa nu”. gen, mult prea multe chestii in ne-comun. But still. Nu-I capat de tara.

 

Si cu toate ca nu-I capat de tara, ii… ii cumva un punct in interiorul tarii. One way or another, my mind is stuck with her. Ceea ce ii sireniu. De exemplu, dac-as freca un overtime si marti, poate, cine stie, Indu. Grr. Adica, ii aiurea, dar ii sireniu. Toata imensa-mi dragoste rationala. Ii pur si simplu o tipa simpaticica cu care am avut niste conversatii misto.

Da, ma gandeam sa mai adaug chestii, dar cam despre asta e vorba. Ii o tipa care mi-a dansat pe un rand de conversatii. So the reason I’m so into her right now is because mermaids. But damn, pretty nice mermaids.

 

Nuj, frati, cu toata chestia asta. Cu big playsurile, cu toata... cu tot dansu’ asta. Cred ca nu fortez. Cred ca e timpul. Daca m-as putea vedea cu ea, daca m-as putea vedea cu ea o data la doua saptamani, cred ca e timpul sa fac o miscare. Nu stiu cum ii situatia conversational, si cum o sa mearga, dar atata timp cat nu se strica cred ca îi legit sa fac o miscare. Make or break. Si apoi,

 

 

‘sec, what was today’s message about?

 

Glory

: between God and You: love,

O...something. Obedience? Openness!

And restoration. I guess obedience was something I kinda had in mind.

 

But, yeah, coming back to that thought. Am I… obeying God, by going out with her?

I don’t know. It’s about darkness. She’s darky. Lovely, too, which is of God, but darky too. How can we… cum putem s-o-mpacam p-asta cu intunericu’ si Dumnezeu pe aceeasi pagina?

 

See, that is the thing. She does talk into my love, but darkness surrounds her. Does my love have a reaction towards hers? Mnuj. N-am… nu pot nota momente cand am auzit-o vorbind de chestii bune. About light and love. Outside of the conversations where she just went with my idea. She was wisely unhateful at points, but I did also explicitly show my dislike towards hate. That’s an easy thing to dodge, if you wanna get under my skin.

 

Da, nu. Ii atragatoare. Din multe puncte de vedere, dar nu ii vad lumina momentan. Did I miss it? Was I blinded by my own light? Gen, barna din ochiu’ meu a eclipsat aschia din ochiul altuia? Was I too focused on myself? Gen, m-am concentrat prea tare pe aschia din ochiu’ meu si n-am vazut barna din ochiu’ ei?

Delia-I atrasa de darkaiala si ea, si ii, relativ incontastebil in okii mei, o persoana buna.

 

Si-atunci ma apropii de pietre si-mi tin gura. Si-astept un semn.

“but ian”, you’d say, “how about self-fulfilling prophecies?”

Iar eu o sa raspund: “nuj, frăți.”.

 

Nuj, nici semne de la Dumnezeu nu simt ca am primit concret in directia aia. Ala-bala-portocala? Is that what you base your life decisions on?

Am impersia ca randurile de coincidente au lucrat bine, but then…

La fel cu larisa. La fel cu aida, even. La fel cu ce vrei tu, si unele au mers si altele n-au mers, si dinnou, poate tot ce Dumnezeu vrea de aici e sa invat chestii, si poate una din chestiile principale pe care vrea sa le invat ii ca darkaiala nu ii buna.

 

Dar, intr-adevar, in momentul asta, nu am invatat chestia asta inca.  In momentul asta o consider capabila si voitoare de bine, si consider ca am putea lucra impreuna sa facem chestii misto.

 

Dar in momentul asta nu sunt in stare sa ma descurc cu ea. Nu sunt in stare sa ma descurc cu flow-ul covnersatiilor in ultimul timp. Si-atunci am, pur si simplu, nevoie ca Dumnezeu sa ma ajute sa trec cu bine prin asta. Safety and growth.

 

Si visa marriage-ul imi piticește maxim pe creier,

Cu atat mai mult,

Cu cat a spus clar ca ar fi dispusa sa se marite doar de dragu’ familiei si al traditiei.

 

Nuj dude, poate esti tu dubios. Dar, la sfarsitul zilei, oricum ar fi, n-ai. Tu joac-o cat de bine poti, dar nu exagera. Hai, pune mana si mananca si fa chestii mai bine, ne-auzim.

 

 

Stash.

 

 

04/04. no target word count.

 

‘got a rope and summit

‘got a rope and summit,

But we need to wake up,

Need to wake

Up.

 

Funny how there’s this blank at the beginning of my mind at the beginning of my page. Like all the thoughts that have been travelling in this messy traffic are suddenly at a red light.

 

…

Because yeah, I guess this does give them a solid form. Let’s put some bullet points on that face.

 

Yes-ter-day. Because this is what this is about for the most part.

 

- “I actively held myself back from showing affection, because even creating a small emotional bond would have made me biased. Not having a beer after the first meal turned out to also be a good idea. Because I wanted to see her with my utmost rationality. I wanted to see her not as someone I could share affection with, but as a person. I wanted to pay attention to the vibe I got from her, and the way she does small stuff and the way she thinks about big stuff. And maybe she was not comfortable enough to be completely herself, but… I did not feel dishonesty. I did not allow myself to irrationally fall for for her, but I do find myself, my rational bit, giving in to her style. Like she is someone I could work with. G. r. r. Trust. Trust God on this, really. I don’t know about it. We could make plans and masterplan, but at the end of the day we’re both poor and busy and relatively far away. And lately online communication’s been, quite decisively on my side, uncomfortable. So, I need to keep the rose away from my eye, because of physical difficulty.

But. Damn. Dunno. Maybe not even damn. Rusts. Don’t really wanna damn stuff. Like, the stuff she likes to do, travel-wise. And the idea of going on long peaceful walks with… I don’t know, the person whom I shared those thoughts with.

Interesting how the conversation in my mouth became “sharing thoughts” in my head. Am I rose-ing the conversation?

 

I don’t know, but, like, there seems to be… stuff we could do. And I wanna do stuff with her. Like walks and games and musix and talking about stuff we do.

 

Is that a possibility? I do not know. I am afraid. I am genuinely afraid I’ll misplay…

 

But God is a thing. He turns my misplays into opportunities.

 

So, even if you do misplay, brother,

Even if you do lose her,

God will use that to your advantage. To His advantage. To His People’s advantage.

 

When talking about Crewe. You could’ve stealth-ed it out, and surprised her, maybe. But you did not. And, this time, that made things better.

 

For everything that could’ve been, I’m glad that we took the ride. There’s not relief in bitterness…

Interesting that you’d choose to end on that. The way I’d take it today is that for better or worse, wherever this goes, it should be a ride worth taking.

 

So, rationally, stuff I should talk to her about.

 

-  super bullshit-free conversation about her possibility of doing this kind of stuff.

* the strictly online thing would not be enough to keep this going. If we are to create a bond, we do need hands-on stuff to consolidate it. Whether you are investing yourself in this or not does depend on whether you can meet or not.

 

For me, it is a financial effort, and it is a day when I have to put my progress on hold. Technically, I’ll need to work several extra hours each month, but it is doable. I would do it. Heck, I think if I had a guy friend who would be into the stuff she’s in I’d do that stuff with him too, the fact that I can keep her warm and safe and create a romantic relationship with her just makes it times better.

 

- the idea of me actively not creating a bond last time. Might be overexplaining, needlessly justifying.

I must confess that as a person, I have trust issues when it comes to emotional attachment. Overexplaining.

 

So, go via the rational conversation of doing this kind of stuff. If the response is negative, you Must Start Falling Back. God might have wanted you to get into this whole thing just so you could hear the conversation yesterday. Or so that she could hear the conversation yesterday, or so that that homeless person got a bit of food. So do keep the possibility of departure in mind. If you cannot consolidate the bond, you must not create the bond. At this stage she is, still, just a faraway girl with close-by compatibility. Distance is decisive.

But.

If we could do this kind of stuff every few weeks. This could be good.

So, go via the realm of possibilities.

 

“I’d like to have a conversation between two adults with you.

 

“For me, yesterday was a truly beautiful day. I like exploring new places, both alone and with company. But you… your presence. Your style. I’d like to visit more places with you, Ann.

 

“Would you like to visit another city, for now? Hiking could be an option but I would like to gain some confidence doing it alone first.

 

 

 

If the answer is among the lines of “eeeeeh. Not really, maybe sometime. Maybe not.”, then:

 

“a’ight, no worries then

“cool, well, we’ll figure something out

 

Then slowly drop out. ‘few days break, then small conversation, then let it fade.

 

Please, very-please, do keep in mind, familiarise, naturalise yourself with the idea of letting go of her completely. Because what you can have under sub-optimality is not what you want. Not what you need.

Conversation itself might have to keep this kind of pattern. Not much talking during work nights, because bad timing, with attempts at conversation during off-nights.

 

Big dumpling. But I am glad we did sort some stuff out. Go there and do stuff now, brother. And don’t worry, we’ve got this. Do your thing, let God do His thing, and we’ve got this.

 

Much love.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Brain relief.

 

In 15 minute, masina…

 

Disconnect all loops,

Reasons and to do lists,

Breathing without rules.

 

Starting at 4560

Finish at least at 5160

 

And,

Just like that,

His mind went blank.

 

But maybe blankness is the right state of mind. Or am I trapping myself?

 

A’ight, start technically then.

 

Stuff that I need to remember:

- I did like her, but I was chasing mermaids. Right now, due to the conversations being increasingly uncomfortable, I do not like her. I do not dislike her either but, as a long distance friend, she is, at the moment, not the most desirable sort of conversation.

 

What we want to take from that point is that you’re not on a trip to conquer her heart. You’re going there to have fun. Whether she’s coming or not. So you’ll do fun stuff, like walking on walls and visiting the cool gardens and walking along the river, and spending some time at the museum, and maybe the library too.

And maybe the falconry too.

 

The tricky part is the bait. Will you, or will you not, bait yourself into making a move?

 

Because on one hand, you really do want some affection. But on the other hand, affection, at this point, might imply commitment, and that, you do not want.

 

So, if you could somehow….

No.

Holding hands and kissing is not something that you do and then you go away as if nothing happened. That’s just a mild version of one night stand-ing.

 

So you’re…

Friendzoning yourself?

‘gosh, I’m glad we’re having this conversation.

 

What’s your plan? You’ll go there and do all this cool stuff, and have all these awkward moments, and hopefully end the day @ 4 in a pub with a meal, a drink and video games.

 

So what are you…

What are your intentions?

 

Are you still going for a relationship, and using this as a good opportunity to switch gears, and maybe clarify some stuff?

 

The unnatural signs that you asked for seem to point in the direction of this being a good thing to pursue.

 

Damn, this thing feels so similar to the Kei story. Except, Ann knows you like her. And she might like you. Although communication sucks.

 

So,

What are you going for is a hit or miss.

Not mild-ing around. You’ll try to feel her. Feel her as a person. You’ll try to remind yourself to pray during that time, and ask for answers, and let God guide you.

 

What I’m trying to say is that this,

Whether it does happen or not,

Should change the game.

 

So, my intentions going into this thing are as follows: if it goes really well. Grr. If it goes well (not acceptable, well.). As in, good. As in, you’d like to spend a lot more time with the person but will have to do with this.

If it goes well, you do try to take her hand. And do try to make active steps towards something that will be a relationship.

But,

If it doesn’t go well. If it goes “eeh *shrug*”,

Then you don’t go for it.

I need you to have this very clear thing in mind.

 

Going for it is giving up comfort. Giving up the idea of finding someone close by, who you’d have a proper close couple relationship with.

But going for it also implies giving up growth,

Growth in the ability to look for Her. For The Her. Time spent in a relationship is time not spent learning how to initiate a relationship.

 

 

How do I put this, because it’s all starting to sound bullshitty, and I want to be honest with you.

 

Dude.

Don’t mermaid-hunt this.

 

Giving he up is an option. An option that has been screaming at you from the background. Giving her up is a comfortable option, which might be what you need, in these uncomfortable times.

 

It sounds like I’m heavily biased against her,

But that’s just because Treah is heavily biased for her.

 

So, what I’m trying to say is,

Play this right, brother.

Carefully weight your options,

And pray,

And let God do His thing too.

 

You’ve got this.

Go do good stuff.

 

I trust.

 

Brain searching.

 

Start: 3550

 

 

Desired finish: 4150

 

Bum bam bam bum baaam bam.

 

Food tomorrow morning: cook tonight, eat half of it with a ton of bread, eat the other half of it tomorrow morning

 

 

 

 

 

 

Go to church, arrive 5 minutes early and speak to Roy

 

 

 

 

 

‘was a day off. You won’t be physically tired tomorrow unless you do extremely dumb stuff….

 

.

.

.

.

.

 

 

 

Papers are still okay. By all means, work is okay, you went to church, things is okay…

.

.

.

.

.

 

 

 

 

Sun

Day

 

 

Iarasi.

 

Si data trecuta era duminica seara…

.

.

 

 

Iar data trecuta era nasol, era frig, era intuneric, era…

 

 

Era dupa sambata seara aia cand vorbisesi ciudat cu ea.

 

‘mi-as picioarele, nu pot sa cred c-a trecut doar o saptamana de atunci.

 

C-au trecut doar 2 saptamani de la praga…

Nu. Aia, pot sa cred.

 

C-au trecut doar 3 saptamani de cand vorbisem misto duminica seara…

 

Nu. Nu doar 3 saptamani. 3 saptamani is multe.

 

 

 

 

Still, she’s a… drifty thought. The place where my mind drifts.

 

 

 

O fi neok?

 

Panamea cine stie.

 

Tre’ sa-mi tin mainile pe tastatura. Mainile mele nu vor, mainile mele, si corpul meu, in general, vrea sa pluteasca. Pur si simplu sa pluteasca si sa nu se mai gandesaca la toate grijile, freakin, dunno, responsavbilitatile impuse, ne-comfort zone-ul….

.

.

.

 

 

Si ma frustreaza, din coltu’ mintii, ma frustreaza chestii gen ca nu am calorifer, si ca fan extractoru’ ii murdar, si ca tre’ sa spal tigaia de la aragaz si ca tre’ sa fac laundry-ul, si ca toate alea mici si marunte si ca maine ar fi bine sa fac atatea chestii,

Gen sa merg sa inot

Si sa sun la scoli

Si sa fac laundry-ul

Si sa fac cumparaturi o tona.

 

 

 

 

 

Si, in teorie, ar fi bine, toate astea sunt lucruri bune, sunt chestii misto si care ajuta dar…

 

 

Frustraerea asta generala…

Aaaaaaaaarrrrgggghhhh.

 

 

3890. ne apropiem.

 

 

Ma simt… in offside, ma simt in offside si cu prietenii pe care ii am,

Mi-I jena si sa vorbesc cu doc,

Si aisel ii in copac si

….

Si ann nici nu stiu ce pana mea ii cu ann. Nici n-ar trebui sa fie pe lista la ea ma dau, nu vreau sa fiu sa ma bazez pe ea ca pe un prieten.

 

 

 

Maybe I should, y’know? Maybe I should talk to her today, dunno about what or how or… nuj… poate acum.

 

 

Ma gandesc ca si-ai mei se-ntreaba de mine si ce si cum, cre’ca ar trebui sa le scriu sa le zic ca sunt okay, si ca nu inghet si ca munca merge si ca am temrinat cu turele lungi de munca si o sa trec pe ture mai scurte saptamana viiitoare si ca sunt bine.

 

Si ca sunt

Bine.

 

 

 

Nuj, as putea sa-I scriu gen lu’ delia, da’ ce pana mea fac, de ce pana mea, cum….

 

Uihaslkfda.

 

Nuj.

Simt c-as fi un ghipe-n coada cuiva, oricui I-as scrie.

Simt ca-s o povara de carat.

Si ca nu-s contractat cu nimeni sa ma care.

 

Cre’ca aisel era, la un moment dat, contractata. Desi, in adevar, nimeni nu era niciodata.

 

Dar in trecut am mai carat poveri.

 

Acum nu mai car.

 

Si

Cu unele persoane am decis nici sa nu mai impart.

Am decis sa-mi car singur povara, in țări străine.

Am plecat, nu ca sa gasesc oameni sa-mi care povara, ci ca sa-mi dovedesc ca pot s-o car singur. D-aia am plecat. Sa dovedesc ca n-am nevoie de familie si de prieteni si de toate alea.

Sau, am plecat pentru comfort financiar.

 

 

 

Nuj. Cre’ca am plecat pentru ca era singuru’ lucru de facut. Ai mei nu m-ar fi putut tine-n spate-n bucuresti, si toata lumea, inclusiv/mai ales eu ar fi fost dezamagita sa fac facultatea-n brasov.

 

 

 

 

Nu cred c-am avut de-ales vreodata.

 

Cre’ca era clar de cand eram mic si invatam engleza ca o sa plec in strainatate.

 

 

Cre’ca toate argumentele cu care am venit

Sunt

Un fel de scuze,

Motive,

Poetizare a situatiei.

 

 

Ai mei n-au avut bani. In adevar, am venit aici pentru bani. Si multumesc Dragostei, pot sa-mi platesc chiria.

 

Nici macar pentru cariera nu cred ca am venit aici.

 

Am venit

Pentru bani.

 

Pentru ca nu exista alta sansa sa supravietuiesc bine acasa.

 

Pentru toata lumea era clar ca o sa ma tina ai mei daca e nevoie, dar ca asta ar fi suboptim.

 

 

Pana mea. N-am bani, dar supravietuiesc.

 

Ii atat de greu

Sa fac ceva mai mult decat sa supravietuiesc.

 

 

Am o minte atat de… nelinistita. De zburatoare. Zburdatoare.

Dar

In ultima instanta…

Nu stiu. Nu stiu cum….

Klhkalhflkajdfskaldjsalk.

N-are nik sens, stiu cum, am un plan, nu stiu cum sa-l urmez, nu stiu cum sa nu ma trezesc duminica dimineata si sta stau si sa fac chestii ne-necesare pana la 10.

 

 

….

 

Am….

Freakin’

Scenariul. Si scenariul are sens.

 

 

Dar nu…. pot sa ma depasesc,

Nu, nu nu pot sa ma depasesc, pur si simplu nu ma depasesc……

 

 

 

 

As vrea sa fiu mai mult, mult, mult mai mult, dar nu sunt.

Nu.

Sunt.

 

 

Si obiceiuri noi, si…..

 

 

 

Fresh start effect, si toata teoria,

Pana unde pana mea merge?.

 

 

Nu stiu.

Nu.

Freaking.

Stiu.

 

Cum sa interactionez cu oamenii astia.

 

 

Nici macar teoria.

Sa fiu amabil, dar nu ultra-amabil.

 

Nuj, ii ca un moment de teatru in care improvizez replicile,

Nu un moment de improv,

O piesa scrisa. Iar eu nu stiu ce-I scris, si merg cu ea.

 

 

Nici nu stiu ce-ar trebui sa-mi scriu.

 

Ma simt

Frustrat.

 

Lasati-ma-n pace.

Nu.

Nici asta nu vreau,

Nici sa ma lasati in pace, nici sa ma las in pace.

 

Vreau….

 

 

Vreau sa freakin’ cresc odata.

Vreau sa aiba sens una-alta,pls.

 

 

 

 

The 23.03 status quo:

 

Too tired to commit to stuff like planning a walk. Will need some good rest tonight. Good rest= 9+ hours, means that at 6 (in 3 hours) I should have been in my bed for quite a while.

So, we need shopping for tonight and tomorrow. Tonight meaning I eat once more around 5. so start preparing around 4:30-ish. That is also the moment when I watch Hero Aca 2. After eating is the moment when I watch Yuru Camp (at least 1, potentially 2).

And I need to get food.

That is what matters right now, getting my shopping done.

 

What I need:

- salad. Plain salad should do, as I still have some extras.

- stuff to eat in the morning: sweet biscuits/stuff, with good milk/yoghurt/fruity drink.

- stuff to eat in the evening: meals+pizzas

- something comfy to drink.

- apples if they are cool.

 

So, salad, mornings, evening, drinks and apples

 

Fist bump Brain dump. 20/03/18

 

 

I almost feel like rambling would be cheating here. Says he as he rambles. Hurr durr. Hi, I’m here to dump Brian.

 

‘been quite nice without her, as long as I have stuff to focus on. I wonder if she’s even important in this sentence.

There are some cool thoughts that I had today, Brian pls:

Like, the one with Nakochi, where I not only love her because she’s a really good And pleasant character, but how I can identify with her in the inability to react really fast in social settings, and the ability to have a really good delayed reaction. And her swimming through the inn there was the best moment in the show.

Don’t care about how you’ve seen yourself, you’ve seen your own problems solved there. That’s not #goals, that’s her own goals. You have your own. But, that was an absolute bliss of a moment.

Which pairs well with silences as negotiation skill. Maybe you can actually start using a lot more silences. Like in the past 2 days, you rushed. That man who wanted to go to the doctor? Coming to his rescue-> good, rushing down the instructions -> bad. Breathe in. Relax. When there’s no one to rush you, don’t rush yourself. That guy, today, with the raspberries. You gave him the advice he needed. You were not sure about the price. You could have taken more time. Maybe you can take more time with Ann too. Maybe even with yourself. Don’t… be afraid of silences. Improvising is cool, but... Doesn’t really work a lot of the time. Pi-a-no. You’ve got this, dude. In general, you’ve got this. Find the time. Really cool how today’s daily bread, Ecclesiasties(?), was about how there is a time for everything. Don’t… don’t. it’s not how you do stuff. You think, you calculate, you act. If there’s no time to make it right, there is no time to make it.

 

I think ,in theory, the right move is to reply today. But think it through. And the next messages? They might take a while, but you’ll have to think them through too. You’ve played it really well at points with her, and you’ve been blessed sometimes too. The girl I like is not an answer to life’s great questions. She’s a puzzle.

 

 

I wonder if I should write to Doc. I’ll have to think about that. I should probably write to Delia though at some point. ‘cuz she’s cool.

 

“I am so going to the end of this street, and when I get there, you’ll see the great stuff that I’m gonna do. Hmph!”

 

God bless you, young man. Godpls.   

 

 

Brian: the Dumpling.

 

Azi o fo’ greu s-ajung aici. Mi-s curios de ce. Poate pentru ca tre’ sa zic ceva ce conteaza. Zise el, in timp ce scrisese chestii care nu conteaza.

 

Dumpling, nonetheless. I was thinking, could I possibly hope that, upon writing this all down I can convince myself that “I already had this conversation”? Would be interesting to see.

 

But, nonetheless, I had a cool thought today. About telling children stories, and, more specifically, Christian-related stories. How do you… explain that the snake was talking? “Heh, snakes cannot talk, this is a silly story, it’s not a true story.” So maybe it starts with explaining it to yourself.

I heard this really, really cool message at the last service at Gilc. About how Revelations, and, indeed, maybe the whole of the Old Testament, is not as much about “what God did/ will do”, as it is about God’s patterns. You read the stories that God allowed to be preached as His word to see how God works. And I’m sure there’s weirdness to it, but there’s… something to it too. It allows the Bible to not be accurate, but be true. So, maybe some things are part of the body of the story, without being part of the Truth of the story.

I once read in a really cool book that “all stories are true”. As a Christian, I’m not sure I can hold that belief as much as I can as myself. Hmm. Can I hold that belief as myself? Without thinking that my beliefs are unreliable? I don’t know. Depends how much you think about the truth. Maybe the Truth of some stories is simply in revealing the condition of the writer. The fact that the writer is delusional. You cannot preach “all stories are true” to children. But maybe you can preach that there is something to learn from every story.

“Maybe the snake did not talk. Or, maybe he did, God can do some really amazing stuff, like making an animal unable to talk... Maybe he did this to all animals, except humans…”

No. We’re going off-topic.” Maybe the snake did not talk.” is staying, ‘rest is off.

“But that is not the Truth of the story. A talking snake makes us understand the story and makes it more interesting, but this is not a story about snakes who talk. This is the story about people not listening to God, a story about people not being careful about danger. This story has many Truths. A talking snake is part of the story, but not part of the Truth.”

And still it feels a bit too long.

“it is not the Truth of the story. The most important thing about stories is what we learn from them, and what they make us feel…”.

No. For adults, this might be it. Art might be about feeling. But for children, the story is about what we can learn from it. Good stories are ones are not only interesting, but they also teach us things.

“Maybe the snake did not talk, but this is not the big Truth of the story. The Truth of the story is what we learn from it. You see, a good story is not only one that is interesting, but is one that teaches us things. This is a story left to us by the will of God, and what God wants us to do is learn from it. What can we learn from this story?”…

 

What can we

Learn from this story,

Kids?

 

Also, I wanna write this down so maybe it’ll stop bouncing inside my head, because I don’t think it’s going anywhere.

I think it’s funny how my facial expressions unintentionally change with my thoughts. Like, I smile at nice thoughts, and sometimes chuckle to myself, or sigh, or frown, or make a disgusted or disappointed look. Or blush, or whatever. It shows on my face. So, when I’m in story, I have the feeling that I might have repeatedly frowned at customers because I was annoyed at a thought, or randomly grinned at customers because of a funny thought or something. It’s why I find it awkward using emotes sometimes, because even as I write stuff, my face does these facial expressions and I don’t feel the need to further signal the emotions I display. And this might one day get me punched in the face. Dunno, maybe, maybe not. Would be interesting/funny. Probably not pleasant. Brianplsno.

 

Right, and I think in my thought I should find a way to talk to myself or to God more often and to you  (hahahaha) her less. I mean. Dunno. It’s weird because I think about conversations with this girl so I guess It makes sense. So maybe it’s not necessarily a bad thing, as I do think about future conversations, and that is a line of thought. Maybe I’m getting jealous.

 

Anyway, dude. Try to play it a little better with this girl, and try to play the day well in general. You can do stuff, you know you can, we know you can. We know we can. I know I can.

 

Big dumpling. Good dumpling. Now stop the outer dumplinging. Less than 3!   

 

 

Dumping Private Brian, 14/03. Start at 1280.

 

 

It starts with her.

Encouraging a friend is weird. First, because encouraging people is weird, because of the problem of expectations. It is that old podcast I need to find* about encouraging people. Because you want to “reward” them based on their efforts, not on their innate ability. That is what you want to focus on, stuff that they can do something about.

Saying “I know you can do it” is a bit like saying “I expect you can do it because of the stuff you already have right now”, and it does not encourage going out and getting more stuff. It encourages… laxness? “He thinks I can do it so I can just chill” instead of getting work done. I really should look more into this if I really want to focus on the education bit.

Nonetheless, it is worth looking more closely at my relationship with her and how I paint this. I do not know her, and I do not have expectations of her. And I think it is worth finding a place to mention this at some point; that I do not expect stuff of her. That maybe she’ll fail - there is a big percentage of luck and stuff out of her control there anyway - but I am curious how she’ll do. How she’ll deal with it. As a person, I am more interested in how she works with what she gets than on what she is able to get. So, although from the way I talked today it would’ve seemed that I have expectations and that I can get disappointed, in truth I am, at least for now, mostly a third party in her life. And I’m grateful that she tells me about her life, and I enjoy being able to observe this story. So, I can’t, and in truth maybe I don’t even want to make assumptions about what you’ll do next and how it will work for you.

 

Ugph.

 

I did stuff, today. Thankful to God for helping me in this. What do I need to do next? Mostly eat and play video games, which is pretty cool. Tomorrow’s Thursday, I said I’ll got to Asda at 2 pm. Should leave home at 1:20, just in case. So, church at 12:30, home at 1:10, get a snack and go.

I Really Should start the volunteering thing, but in truth it might be better to see how the overtime works. I’d really be looking for some tons of overtime. Cut-off for next payday is 25(?) so I think until that day, I could work every day maybe; except for Sunday. Actually, maybe even Sunday, this week. And I’ll go to church during the week. Although I really really wanna see the methodist church thingy. I’ll find a way. I also want to transition to doing some checkout work too. Ideally, 5-10 HS, 10-2 checkout. That’d be quite brilliant. Do that 3 days a week and it’s big ace. Alternatively, do 5-10 5 days a week? ‘shall see. For now, all overtime is good overtime until 25^th.

 

Tomorrow morning council, then church, then Asda. But for today, food and video games, and hopefully a little more talk with Ann.

‘gosh I feel like I’ve not been winning those talks lately. I so-hope I’m wrong. Even still, if I’m not, it is not the end of the world. ‘just think that it’d be really cool if it worked out.

G.

R.

R.

 

You’ve got this, brother. And I can honestly say this to you because I do know you. You’ve got this. Go do good stuff now :^)

 

 

13/03; 18:30

 

Puf.Poofph.

 

Where do I even start.

Grr, this’s all so noisy, the timer, the heater, the extractor. Brb.

 

I’m glad I got some of my thoughts sorted on the walk. I have some brand new cool fantasies running through my head, like that I’m restarting this life game on a higher difficulty, and that I’m building up a new base and each thing makes life easier. Like yesterday it was shower and cloth hangers, and today, at least, I decided that there’s only one way to do laundry and that is at by using a public laundry service. But I also realised that money really is tight, so I need to revert to a lower poverty level, and I realised the strain, the fear of poverty. Maybe in the past I thought, or subconsciously thought things like “it’s easy, you just have to be poor for a while”, but now, experiencing bits of it makes me realise that it is not that easy. And that’s for me, and I even know some of the tricks for living with that but I still don’t quite feel like doing it.

It’ll be fun establishing a new routine. I really want to go to that Catholic church and see what it’s all about, 30 minute mid-day service sounds interesting. I wonder if I can blend in with people a bit. Anyway, tomorrow I need to really figure out laundry (as I am severely running out of clean clothes) and I should really try to get a pillow and get boiled water going. So maybe wake up at, say, 10, get those out of the way and be at church at 12:30(I need to check that). And for that I want to get to sleep before 12 and want to get to sleep before 1. ‘see how the Pixie’s feeling I guess.

 

I’m not entirely sure I’m using the right approach towards her either. In that, maybe I … no. I don’t think I should just drop it. She’s strange like that, in terms of me having to dance around her without really hearing the music, but she does feel like there might be something worth there. That alone is not a reason to drop it. Not yet, at the very least.

But I do need to show more confidence, and more protective tendencies without actually interfering. Suggesting a professional Skype account? Yes. Offering resources and asking to directly help her with it? No. I should let her do her thing. It’d also be nice to have some more deep talks, but I might have missed that opportunity last night, and tonight she might be busy. Keep that window open, nonetheless. The ideas that would be cool to discuss would be, if I find a thread that leads there, how I think she’s all Young Mistress on the outside but a cute, magical pixie on the inside. Give her some more protectiveness. I think it would be interesting to share some of the new home ideas with her too. But that’s all side quests. Main quest is to show that I care, to ask her how the thing went and how she is feeling in general. I need to be a human that’s close, before anything else. But after a human that’s close, I think it is a good idea being a bit of a father-like figure. See how that plays out. Try not showing weakness again please though.

 

You’ve got this, bro.

 

Pana una-alta, pofta buna.

Te respect, si te salut!

 

 

12^th of March

Brain dumping, cica. 600 de cuvinte azi.

.

.

.

 

 

La ce m-oi gandi?

 

La faptu’ ca ii o sansa sa ma ia raceala. La semi-lesinu’ in care sunt si senzatia aia de “out of luck”. nuj, poate-o fi din cauza ca au mers treb’ile super bine si am impresia ca tre’ sa mearga super prost, sau pentru ca a fost o zi/inceput de zi foarte upbeat si productiva dpdv al ideilor. Poate de-acolo o fi.

Sau, poate pentru ca vreau sa ma masturbez si stiu ca/simt ca/ cred ca asta duce la out-of-luck-ness general.

 

Sau poate-I pur si simplu ploaia. Sau, faptu’ ca s-au terminat un rand de zile foarte upbeat si ele. Acestea fiind spuse, ma uit in jur si nu-I oribil. Casa incepe sa aiba sens, dusu’ merge bine, am planuri pentru cateva chestii, things are looking up,

Desi n-am apa fierbinte, sau cana din care sa beau apa fierbinte,

Dar cred ca sunt constient ca out of luck-nessu’ asta nu ii rational ci mai de graba emotional.

App,is curios cum se scrie out of luckness. Out-of-luck-ness?

 

Orisicart. Orisicat orisicat orisicat. Mi-s semi letargic, daca nu letargic de-a binelea si n-am chef sa  mananc. Oare at trebui sa ma fortez sa mananc? Sau sa ma-c sa ma culc? Nu prea vreau sa ma duc sa ma culc pentru ca as mai schimba 2-3 mesaje cu Ann, asa, un fel de semi-conversatie pe bune.

 

Is curios daca prinde treaba asta tipa. Gen, daca-ntelege ce fac, si daca…

Spera,

Se asteapta,

I-ar placea…

…

Sa reluam conversatii lungi si placute.

 

 

Si buuuuuh, cate ganduri in directia aia. Adica, pe de-o parte, sa reluam vorbitul,

Pe de alta parte as cam vrea s-o sun maine seara, si as vrea,

Chiar,

Oare ar trebui sa-I scriu din seara asta ca as vrea s-o sun maine seara?

 

Ce mi-ar oferi scrisu’ in seara asta:

- s-ar gandi la asta maine si la ce mi-ar zice. Ar face-o sa se gandeasca la mine, posibil, dar oare in sensu’ in care te gandesti la chestii dupa care nu le faci sau in sensu’ in care abia astepti sa se-ntample si-apoi se intampla…

Nu.  Asta nu-I un motiv bun, sau, un beneficiu bun la asta.

- ca ar putea sa-mi zica si sa stiu si sa….

- ca as putea planifica ceva de acum…..

Nu. Pare-se ca nu-s motive bune sa-I vorbesc despre asta azi., mai bine-ncerc s-o leg maine-n miezu’ zilei,

Dar ar trebui s-o intreb pe la ce ora eventual.

 

Orisicat, ar cam trebui sa-mi fac o lista de chestii de facut maine.

Gen:

- apa fierbinte si cana: super-prioritate.

Ce altceva ar mai trebui prin casa?

Ar trebui rezolvat cu spalatul rufelor. Aia nuj cum facem, ar trebui sa ma interesez cat ar fi sa le spal pe bani, macar sa ma interesez. Apoi, sa-ncerc sa vad daca pot sa deschid geamu’ si eventual sa-mi usuc aici.

Daaamn, bai, ce mare chestie era balconu’ ala. Chiar mai mult decat o curte, pana si daca presupunem ca ar fi o curte-nchisa.

 

Oricum, deci,

Apa calda si rufe trebuie rezolvate maine.

Apoi ar trebui aruncat un ochi la biserica aia metodista.… si al aia catolica.

Nu. Metodista. All-in pentru moment, ai nevoie sa te dedici intr-o singura directie. Deci: apa, rufe si biserica, prioritati. Si de restu’ caramele,

Alte chestii de facut:

Pasi in directia predatului: primul pas voluntariatul. Dar pentru asta ar trebui sa-mi stiu overtimpii. Chiar, ar trebui sunat maine neaparat in Dyce. Deci setam niste goal-uri momentan, si-apoi ce-o mai fi ‘om mai vedea.

 

Ia-o-ncet, boss. Ia-o-ncet, dar nu sta degeaba. te-am lasat, succesi p-acolo!