‘s been a while,
Huh?
26/05/18.
On baptism. On baptism
day, hopefully.
This is a statement.
This is a statement about who I am and what I believe.
This is a statement
about two titles: one that I rejected, and one that I neglected.
I was born in Romania.
There, the main religion is Christian-Orthodox. In my paperwork, I am a white
Christian male. As my mother was going to an evangelical church, I was brought
up in an evangelical environment, and was content with my spiritual identity.
That was, until I started asking questions. Lots of questions. Questions
without answer.
There are many things
that people associate christianity with, but what can not be denied is that
white christian male, over time, has been associated with a lot of acts of
cruelty.
- crusades, hundreds
of years ago
- discrimination and
oppression today.
I was about 16 when I
went to church and I was outraged by the message. I remember going home and
wandering around restlessly thinking “no, this is not what I am”. It was the
day when I rejected the title of white christian male, when I decided to set
off and find my own path. I stopped associating myself with the christian
community. Still went to church, occasionally, but refused the title.
The other title, is that
of child of God. That, I never truly rejected. When I set off to find my own
path, I set off to find God. I decided that God is love, and nothing else, that
was, that still is, my one and only axiom; the one theory I would not accept an
argument against. I have, for my whole life, considered myself a child of God;
I was blessed by God, over and over again, both when I was towards him and when
I was wandering off the path. But I have, indeed, neglected God. I preached
love and kindness, but I failed to show it at the crucial time. This is the
title I ignored.
So as I stand here,
today, before the world that is seen and the world that is unseen, and I wish
to reconcile with these two titles. I wish to bear the burden of the cruelty
caused by the white christian male, and to do my very best to (improve the
reputation of this name). So if you have been hurt, rejected, abandoned, I wish
to apologise, in the name of the worldwide christian community that I am
joining. (physically).
I accept the honour
and responsibility to declare that I am a son of God. A quote. “Kindness is the
luxury of the strong”. I am here to confess that I am weak, and sinful, and
guilt-ridden, but that through Jesus’ death and resurrection I am born again,
strong and free. So as I touch the water, I pray that I will raise again, as
Love and Kindness.
11.05/2018
‘s been a while, huh?
‘goes like this.
People are cities.
This is an old
thought, but its body is quite new. It started in Birmingham, after I went on
the walking tour. The city itself is pretty cool, except right now it’s one
huge construction site. Because every few decades it gets destroyed/destroys
itself and it takes some years to build up again. And I ended up thinking:
“Huh. That’s a lot like me, ain’t it?”. Constantly rebuilding and all. Even the
idea of storing up important attractions and then bringing them back out when
the reconstruction is finished.
And I went on that
line and I ended up realising that people are a lot like cities. And
relationships, are a bit like visiting a city too. Some you just pass through.
Some you know the railway station and the one building you have business in and
that’s it. Others you end up liking. Visiting a lot. Renting a place for a few
months, going there early and leaving late when you have business to do within.
And then I remembered
this book, where the dude writes about music being a city. There’s this
bit about how the main character, a
trouper, knows all its ins and outs. And then he meets Her. She’s a brilliant
singer, but not an experienced one, and there’s this comparison between them.
How he knows every street, every shortcut, and can move around freely, but she…
doesn’t. But because she knows the music by heart, and not by mind, she just
flows, floats through the city. She doesn’t need a map, because she plays by
different rules.
So I thought,
individuals are… there is a certain mastery to every relationship. People are
cities, and arts are cities, and, in a way, people are art too. This is where
it gets feeble, but this is also where it gets personal.
I like getting lost in
a city. Wandering random streets and finding random cool stuff. And one day I
ended up going to this random far away city that a friend suggested, and it
turned out to be a pretty cool city. So much complexity, and patterns I could
not discern, and big, pretty buildings that you can see in the distance, in the
heart of the city. And so little signage, and so much to get lost in, and so
much to find. But visiting a city, after a while, you get tired of finding
another dead-end. You start looking up and see cool big buildings and you think
that maybe the only way to get there is… by flying. Wish you took a different approach, that
instead of wandering through and trying to learn its patterns, you’d have just found a different way to do things. Start
thinking that maybe the rules you play by stop you from flying. Or that maybe
you don’t need to be there.
Strange thoughts,
friend. At the end of the day, they might be worth keeping. Keeping for yourself.
Take care take care take care.
30/04/2018
Leviticus 26. Se pare
ca de la 40 in colo. Si Ephesians 1: 3-14.
Confession of sins
followed by the breaking of chains. Toate pe “pls,
gth”
Sins. Nu-I prima oara
cand o iau in brate si sunt… Amenintat? Atentionat? Warned? SI-n Capernwray
dimineata.
Is this about the sins
of my ancestors? Towards my ancestors? Ca mi-am parasit parintii?
Please, be my
strength.
Sau, relational? Ca am
dormit unde n-a trebuit? Ca am faptuit si intentionat?
Ca nu m-am… paie.
Pa-ie.
Sunt curios daca
functia (Indu, Ann) ii un cuptor cu microunde (sub-researched, deeply rooted
belief) sau ii ceva ce nu-I ok. La fel si cu dormitul pe unde n-a trebuit.
Dar… cu parintii?
Oare pentru ca am fost
creat s-o salvez pe mama, chiar trebuie s-o salvez pe mama? Sa salvez… familia?
Sau, poate e doar… Hm.
Doar. Chestia cu Teaching Personnel. Ideea ca ei nu stiu ca intentionez sa ii
parasesc curand dupa ce ma primesc.
Nu stiu. Chiar nu
stiu. Apreciez puzzle-ul. Poate raspunsul e doar TP. Poate-s doar parintii.
Dar, TP cred ca chiar e un raspuns. Parintii…
Mama?
Poate puzzle-ul ii
facut sa imi arate TP in timp ce-mi da indincii la parinti.
Ann, si intamplarile
relationale trecute, par a fi conectate spiritual, supra-rational, cu mama.
Nuj.
Pls, gth pls gt-h.
‘gosh, that could be
seen so wrong.
What I mean is,
God,
Please, be my
strength.
Dunno if I have any
more. But mine-s suboptimal.
Ty.
22/04/18.
Posts have been
getting longer and longer.
Wonder if it is
because there’s no one to talk to. ‘wonder if that can get sorted. ‘wonder,
still, if I will. So much wonder. And the greatest wonder of all is if that
relationship is over God’s wondrous way of doing stuff.
.
.
.
‘twas all going so
well, initially. And then I had to give her “the talk”.
We were having
conversations, and I asked questions, and I held her hand, and she was “not
complaining”. I held her hand. She was “not complaining”. dude. :/.
If only we could
return to that save game.
But we cannot. And
still I did… I did ask God for help, right? Like, to take the thing in his own
hands. But how… far? How much can I just toss a coin and say “This is God’s
answer”?. Because I also didn’t do this to the very end. If I did this, I would
have not finished Hero Aca that morning, I would’ve gone there an hour early.
And established the path to Morrisons. And I was told to act patiently but I…
couldn’t, I lost it, got carried away, don’t even know how I… how I got to that
conversation. It would’ve been so cool. Maybe even if I just left it at “being
wanted”, if I left it at… if I left it.
Dunno, dude, like, so
much…. misplayment. In the middle of nowhere where she couldn’t have escaped
me.
And she did consider
going early…. but she could’ve just said that… but…
But, dude, but.
I don’t know. And her
immediate reactions were ‘kay. And we did keep talking about cool stuff. But it
did feel like she just wanted to get away at the very last moment.
But this is all
scenarios. Lemme give you another scenario. Another perspective.
So, ‘twas super annoying
at first because you had some relatively contrary opinions to her. And then got
lost on the way to the track. And then on the track, had a pointless argument
with her at the “save game”. And then you grabbed by the hand without giving
her any heads-up. But, then you sat down and talked, and explained all that she
means to you. Explained why you would need her to want you, made her express
her feelings more. And she was not prepared, but her answer was not a no, was
more among the liens of “you would be what I’m looking for, but I’m not looking
right now”. and then when you made strong eye contact and confessed it all. And
then you proceeded to get lost but keep talking to keep her calm and… yeah.
Cool experience, first time hiking in the uk and getting there safe. And cute
pointlessness at the train station and her just trying to get away so she can
think about stuff…
This is so fluffy.
This is not why you’re here, dude. You’re not here to sugar-coat stuff.
Where did bad stuff
spring from?
- it still feels like
“generally going with what you feel the universe is telling you” was not the
problem here. Needs further research, but should’ve probably not watched that
hero aca episodes there.
- emotional
instability. And this is so not right and so not an excuse but… yeah. Really
yeah.
I.
.. don’t
know, dude. Since I have not done better, I don’t know if I could’ve done
better. But please, pretty please, very please. Do keep timing and positioning
in mind next time. Stuff like “wait, no, this is a story for another time” does
come in handy at times.
And, fluffy or not, it
did end up with conversation afterwards. She did talk about herself, although
so much more before and less after. But, from this whole thing. Even with
emotional instability and stuff, you can take timing and positioning. Just be
hyper-aware of that. And this. That you cannot remember much of what she said
because you were focused on your “play”. you could’ve asked questions. That
would’ve helped cut the tension quite a bit. “talk to me about the last manga
you read”, or the last game, or stuff like that. But you did panic. Because of
lack of experience, lack of This particular misplay. Not kissing her, I think
it’s right. I think it would’ve been wrong. Mid-nowhere with nowhere to escape,
after being rejected, no. Holding pointless arguments… I don’t know, at the end
of the day she did bring it to her mother so it was k, but holding pointless
arguments is not k. don’t think that in particular is the end of the world.
This is, however, what we take from the experience. Really watch your timing
and positioning. Make sure she has an easy way out.
But also,
overthinking, you need to stop at some points. You need to stop after the next
conversation. If you did not want to….but… you did not know, until you thought
it to the end. The confession about your mind being in love with her and … al
that… I don’t know, dude.
The main point is,
there really is nothing you can do… see, here’s the other things.
But for the other
things, you need to think rationally, so we’ll eat and then come back to this
:^). You need to watch out for conversations with yourself too to an extent.
26 (thursday) and 30
(monday).
Ceva ușor, de
dimineață,
De 18/04.
Could I be... rolling with it too hard?
These people seem
to be a little desperate to get teachers, but, currently I am no teacher. ‘course starts in 5 months, but with all the
paperwork and all…
Dunno, is it bullshit?
Would these months be enough to gain some… ground under my feet?
Plus, 5 months is
theory, there’s a big summer holiday bang on in the middle. How big? Brb.
Huh, that’s midway
through July. So there are 3 months.
Am I not prepared to
be a hero, is the question? Should I, rather, be an underpaid teacher for a
year?
The answer seems to be
no.
It might be that I
actually am. That I did make up my mind, and that I do have some time to
get prepared for it.
So far, Primary Maths
in Rotherham.
And if they were to
throw me in the middle of a bunch of children,
Well,
They’d better be
prepared. Because on that day, they’d be learning math. They would be loving
math.
For
Kindness’ sake.
Șpooky. Still, be strong, brother. For deafness,
there’s been… something. Something either incompletely or incorrectly
justified, something unjustified. I should keep that something in mind. But for
now, there seems to be something else. Another round of stuff that’s being
thrown at me, so I will take it.
God help me do stuff.
Grr.
No.
Well, actually, yeah,
“prayer’s personal” doctrine still works when you’re writing personal stuff, so
yes, please, do help me with this, God. I ask In Jesus’ name.
And I am, indeed,
thankful for all this stuff. ‘s not even “this mess”, because it is not, at
least for now, that messy, even.
‘should maybe apply
for some experience today and see where it takes me. Hm.
Anyways, brb, doing
good stuff.
As a … As a man once
said: hey, maybe it is time to do some brain dumping.
“I was tired,
Of giving more than
you gave to me,
And I desired
A truth I would not
have to seek”
But…? In the
silence?…?
It might be time to be
adults again. Don’t know if you noticed, I’m not a big fan of this, but…
I think it is time to
be adults again for a bit.
See, I brought this up
before, but I was not being an adult about it. And maybe it was not the right
time to be an adult about it, but I think now it is. I think now it is because
I want to become emotionally involved with you.
I keep re-examining the theory and I can’t
quite figure out why, but I think there might be something deeper inside of me
that draws me to you. That doesn’t matter. Doesn’t matter, so I won’t say it.
But I will say that I
would like to become emotionally involved with you.
See, I don’t do this.
I don’t like being accepted. If I am accepted, normally, I accept back and
leave. But you’re this weird kind of special, that made me come back over and
over again. I don’t know, between your cuteness and your beauty, between your
wittiness and your darkness, between straightforwardness and pattern-less-ness.
I don’t know, between many things, I really think you’re one of the coolest
people I’ve met. So I kept coming back, although it often felt like you were
accepting me, maybe just a step closer than accepting me. But I will grow tired
of this.
See, my new habits of
talking to you only a few times a week, they are supported by the fact that I
know you’re busy and all, and seriously influenced by me being physically
tired, and being very likely to be awkward in conversation when I’m tired. But
at the end of the day, it is because I feel like with every conversation, I
grow tired towards you.
I don’t need you to
need me, little pixie. But if you do want me, if you do want my existence to be
part of your life, you really need to show this to me.
I did not need to be
an adult about this because it was an interesting prospect. Honestly, I have
huge trust issues, ‘don’t know if this is obvious or not, so having the option
to just stop talking to you with no repercussions made me feel comfortable. But
I would like to become emotionally involved with you. And I would like to know,
and I would probably need to be reminded, if you do want to become emotionally
involved with me. Not if you would accept it, but if you would want it.
And if you don’t, that
is okay.
I will, if I may,
Accept that :^)
Where does this come
into play?
I think I did hit an
important point here. Her Wanting to become emotionally involved with me,
rather than accepting it.
Maybe this is a
conversation. A conversation about how I do think she’s one of the coolest
people I’ve met. Although I do feel that there’s a lot more to her, that there
might be, even, things you don’t want to share yet. Still, I am drawn to you. I
was attracted by the way you think, and after we met I became attracted to the
way you are.
Hey, maybe it is
time to do some brain dumping.
15/04/08. Start at
7:700
Ever since my
childhood I’ve been scared, I’ve been afraid
Of being trapped by
circumstances
Of staying in one
place.
Dubioasa zi,
Nu-I asa?
Duminica.
I wonder if I’ll
manage to make it flow.
It starts with one,
And it seems like I’m
particularly distracted from this thought so I should push onwards. Interesting
how I did notice, did Know that I’m distracted by bad stuff from this thought.
Keep that in mind for future use,
But.
My water baptism.
Baptism is a public
declaration, to the world that is seen and unseen, that I do believe Christ
came to this world and died for my sins, and that I am a sinner and that I
cannot go on without Christ.
Do you believe that?
In honesty.
In super honesty.
In percentage, my mind
is saying that it’s like 95%.
Somewhere between “I
believe it more than I believe anything else” and “ I believe it more than I
don’t”.
Jesus said: water
baptism. Jesus was baptised.
But isn’t that
Contextual?
Didn’t Jesus kinda say
to have communion every time we meet?
Funny enough, I do not
know.
But, baptism,
possibilities.
Reluctance.
Reluctance because I
am not certain. Because while I do want to believe, I also want to believe that
which is right. And I want to believe that I can be proven wrong.
But it’s all so
History
Inaccuracy
Politics and uncertain
information from an uncertain past.
In truth, it is all
about what you choose, what you want to believe.
I say that I would
accept being proved wrong, but what kind of proof would it be, that Jesus did
not exist, or that He was not resurrected, or… all that. See, even belief in
that, is only as much as there is belief in any event that was 2000 years ago.
Do I think Caesar was a good ruler? Dunno. Can’t know. History’s written by the
victors. By the survivors. It can be manipulated.
In truth, I do not
know, and I would not like to dedicate my life to finding out. Honestly.
But we believe what we
want to believe, and I do want to believe, above everything else, that God is
Love. God is absolute Love. Because I want to believe that, because I believe
that, grr, I believe that 100%, I 100% BELIEVE THAT GOD IS LOVE, BTW!. right.
Because I believe that, it would make sense. It would make sense that he would
disagree with non-love, and firmly disagree and punish anti-love. Because he is
the force of Love. He*. It would make sense that He’d want to create a world of
love, and anti-love cannot be there. Anti-love would not like it there, so it
would be fitting for it to be removed.
It makes sense that we’re so
freakin’ messed up that we cannot be love. We cannot be fully of love. We mess
up, and feel guilty about messing up which messes us up, or don’t care about
messing up, which is messed up. So he did need to do something to stop the
circle of mess-ups. Create, send? Someone who is not messed up, and make him,
Him, suffer all that messes you up. All that makes you mess up. And then, after
he got messed up literally enough for a whole world of people messing up, he’d
still do k.
Like, maybe when you don’t mess up
your goodness’ value increases, proportionately. You mess up-get messed up. 1
for 1, or 1 for 1-ish. But when you don’t mess up and get messed up. Suffering
for what you’ve not done, that, is good. That is goodness. You enduring,
fighting on through suffering for what you’ve not done, that makes the world a
better place. Turning the other cheek, that makes the world a better place.
Turning the other cheek,what a
concept.
Still, there He is. That is what He
is. He, the eternally k, sent to suffer the messes of those who mess.stuff.
That, to me, makes sense. That I believe could have happened. I believe that
God is Love, and I see the rationality of God, who is Love, doing that. I’m
100% on God being love, and 100% on Love working like that and doing that. I
believe that the birth and death of Jesus Christ makes sense, under the axiom
that God is Love.
Here is where I’m not
100%. I do not believe that it can be proved to me that this is what happened.
I don’t think I can be certain of Jesus. I am certain it is very plausible, and
I do not have an alternative I believe. I believe that more than anything else.
That is reasonably well phrased.
That is where I would
accept to have my mind changed. I could understand, and would consider, an
alternative to the patterns, to the way in which God, Love, operates. I don’t
have examples. A man who became so perfect, so under control, so in touch with
the universe, with Love, that he became one with Love? Does not sound
unreasonable either. That we could dedicate our lives to becoming like that? I
don’t know. I think Love would prefer if we’d dedicate our life to doing good
stuff to each other. I…
I don’t know,
honestly. I do not know the alternatives to Christianity. I know several
alternatives within Christianity and I think they’re mostly k; just variations
on the same theme, of God being Love and sending Jesus and doing Love stuff.
So, am I a Christian?
Yes. More than I am anything else. And I see no reason not to choose to
believe in Christ, and not to follow Him and His example. It makes sense to me.
It makes me feel better. It makes me feel really good, casting all of my
anxieties upon him, and praying and doing good stuff for him. I believe it is
the good thing to do, the right thing to do.
Do I think that
baptism through water is the right thing to do? Maybe. I would have no
reluctance to declare, to tell anyone who asked, in the world that is seen and
in the world that is not seen, that I do follow Christ. That I want to be as
close to the God of Love, to be part of the body of the church which wants to
do His will.
Do I think this will
be a radical change? I do not. I believe that I am currently trying as hard as
I can, I my own clumsy ways, to get close to God, to be what God wants me to
be. I believe that if there was something I knew for sure I could do better, I
would make active efforts towards it, both now and after being baptised. I
believe I am actively trying to be the man that God wants me to be. I do not
believe that after being baptised I will drink less. Or I would watch different
shows, play different games… don’t know, volunteer more, you name it. I think
if I’d find it rational, if I’d think that doing something different is the
will of God, I’d start doing my best towards doing it right now. I do mess up
in my speech, by telling white lies, or by saying stuff I don’t really mean, or
by complaining, or being rude, or… you name it. I know I mess up in many ways.
And I do wish I’d mess up less. Would I redouble my effort to not do that after
being baptised? I couldn’t tell. If I knew I could then, I probably could now,
I probably would now.
What I mean is, I have
tried to change for better for a really long time, and I’ve been actively,
intensely trying to make big changes for the past 2 years at least. And I’ve
failed, repeatedly. And I’ve learned that small, steady changes, is the way to
go. I do not… believe that baptism would cause a great change, of any kind, to
myself. Will I read the Bible more? Maybe. Maybe I should now, but I can’t… see
it. I should, maybe, make a small habit of reading the Bible regularly, but I
can’t see it. I read the daily bible passage and message from “Our Daily
Bread”, an internet resource of small, daily messages based on Bible readings.
Right now, I think that having a daily clear and structured message to think
about throughout the day is more beneficial to me than a random daily chapter
from the Bible. I just feel that it gives God more opportunity to speak to me.
But maybe I could do both. I’d have to think about it.
But, I also think God
wants me to be a healthy man, and wants me to have a successful career, to
become a more valuable resource for him. To make more money that I can give to
church missions or charitable associations, to be a respected professional whom
people would listen to when he speaks, maybe not even about Christ, but about
Love. So I am not entirely sure whether God would like me to spend an extra
hour every day on reading the Bible or to spend the same amount of time taking
an online course, or exercising.
What I mean is, I do
not believe water baptism would cause a major change in my life. I do not feel
the need to openly declare the fact that I belong to Christ, similar to how I
do not feel the need to openly declare the fact that I graduated from a certain
university. God has done really good stuff for me, and is doing really good
stuff for me…. And if someone asks “why is this part of your life so good?” I
wish that I could find a way to respond that it is because God has blessed me
with it. But I do not feel the need to stop people on the road and tell them
that God has done really good stuff for me. I do not feel the need to stand up
in a room, any room, full of people and say “hey, stop what you’re doing and
listen: God has done really good stuff for me”. But if a room full of people,
from a world that we see, and from a world that we do not see, were to stop
what they were doing and ask “do you believe that you are a sinner, and through
Christ who has died for you, you have been redeemed and can start over every
day as if you were sinless?”, I’d answer a firm “Yes.”
So here I am, asking
God for certainty. A few weeks back I asked for prayer, because, and those are
exactly the words I said, “I do not believe.” . This is the long version of
that short statement. I am not certain. I am not certain and honestly, I do not
believe I can be 100% certain that the story of Jesus is completely true. And I
am asking God for certainty. God has showed me, through my own spiritual
experience, that I can trust Him, and has spoken to me through both Bible and
random books I’ve read. Through pastors and through people I just happened to
be listening to. So I am certain that God, who is Love, has love for me as
well, and that he does want to use me as a tool to spread his love, to amplify
his love.
This is what I
believe. My creed, if you wish. And when I think about water baptism, I am
considering it, and when people share communion, I consider taking it as well.
I’ve been to church for many years. I might know all the theory that I need to
know by now, but I am not convinced that me taking part in these rituals would
not be hypocrisy.
If only for that 5% of
me that I can not convince to believe.
But believe what, now
that we’re being adults about it?
Believe that this
story is the only story that is true? Would you really want to believe that?
You are a man of stories, you believe that there is truth in every story. And
what do you care about accuracy? What if the story’s slightly off, but the
message is right? I’ve recently heard, in a christian podcast, historical
arguments that the Exodus is pretty far from historically accurate. Does that
make Christian fate any less true? Does that affect what you believe, at all?
So, yeah, maybe I do
believe. Maybe that 5% is quite insignificant after all. That 5% room for human
error. Even if the story is 5% wrong, that does not change the message. That
the world would not make sense, that most of us would be unable to act as
integral human beings, as Good human beings, without there being a price to be
paid every time we mess up.
So God is Love, maybe
God is Love cannot make sense without this.
God is Love -> God
loves us -> God wants us to be love too -> we are love. It’s…. just… a
missing link. We cannot be love, not alone, not completely left to our own
devices.
If God wants us to be
love. Loving people know, feel that there is a
price to be paid for messing up. That is what would keep us from being loving,
the fact that loving people would know that they cannot keep being loving
without paying the price for all their mess-ups. All the inefficiencies, the
accidents. So God did pay that price, and the story of Christ is, at worst, at
the 5% of me that does not believe, God’s illustration of how he has paid the price, and how we can benefit
from the price being paid, we can act as if the price has been paid.
Just like Genesis is God’s illustration of how the world was created, put in
simple words, as for the audience of that book, the story of Christ is, at the
very worst, a similar illustration to how the price for the sins in Genesis,
for the sins that keep recurring today, has been paid.
So here I am, with
certainty. The certainty that God is Love, the certainty that humans have
messed up, and the certainty that God (probably through Jesus) has given humans
the possibility to heal the wound that they have inflicted upon themselves. The
possibility to keep healing the wounds that humans keep inflicting upon themselves,
and the hope that one day, we’ll stop hurting each other.
Does this make me a
Christian? Am I now ready to be baptised, born again through water and Holy
Spirit? I heard that “those who’ve never doubted, never truly believed”. Is
this the point where I’ve finished doubting? “Look! There’s some water! Why
can’t I be baptised?”
*sigh*?
Question mark?. Acts
8:36-37, btw.
Such an interesting
thing you are, Brian.
Such an interesting
day it is,
Always is,
Sunday.
Hungry Hungry Brian.
0...8. 08/04/18.
cool numbers.
Sunday, nonetheless.
Gaaaaaah. Don’t care,
don’t care when you started, don’t care when you finish. Gah. Gah. Nici nu
mi-am dat seama ca vreau sa tip.
Si cica if you can’t
handle yourself at your worst…
Damn. In capu’ meu sun
ca Manolache.
Such an underrated
guy.
Fac cercuri in jurul
ei.
Aia fac.
Am citit de curand ca
tre’ sa am grija sa nu-mi fac idoli din chestii. Inclusiv oameni.
Iar azi am citit ca…
Cmon, ceva, 2
chronicles?…
Suffering! Cre’ca
suffering. Nu cred ca chronicles. Something about being God’s slave and
suffering and if you suffer for stuff that you do you suffer for yourself but
if you suffer for stuff you’re unjustly made to suffer for, you suffer for God.
‘pare-asa irelevant in
contextu’ zilei de azi.
Duminica. Dubioasa zi,
Mereu,
Duminica.
Mi-i interesant cum si
Kvothe facea cercuri in jurul ei, tot asa, nestiind cum sa abordeze subiectu’.
Nici eu nu stiu, si-I
cu atat mai interesant cu cat mi-I foame, si frig, asa ca mintea ar putea s-o
dea in off-road-uri serioase.
Grr. Stai bre pi’
sub’ect.
De fapt, hai s-o mai
invaluim putin.
Darkness.
Ci paname’ facem cu dărkăiala? She’s a fan. Despite all the stuff I think we love, she loves the dark
side of it. Anime, but darky anime; video games, but darky video games. Cool
music, but dark, cool music. I’m sure we could find some middle ground.
.
.
.
And my rational
affection of the idea of us relies on “some middle ground”.
Stuff like walking,
exploring is still blurry ground for me. Even more blurry for her, I think.
Si chiar si-asa,
fratori, am impresia c-o frecam usor aiurea pentru ca nu despre asta-I vorba in
ecuatie. Faptu’ ca noi, doi oameni, am putea gasi chestii interesante de facut
impreuna….
Da. Nuj. Nu-I chiar
atat de comun, dar, like, you’re two nerds. Despite all the bullshit, you could
probably find tons of stuff in common with plenty of nerds. Think Raluca. Bam,
citim chestii, avem muzici comune, she’s not against video games, we both like
doing cool stuff and going cool places. Sure, she’s super cringy at bits, but
aren’t we all? ‘could surely work with it, if it came down to this. Dar, her
loud personality. Well. Yeah. Could probably work with that too.
Dunno what I’d feel
about her dream of constantly risking her life about in weird countries, and
being away most of the time but…
Ce-ncerc sa zic ii ca
nu-I un capat de tara. Sunt, probabil, milioane de fete cu care-as putea avea o
relatie misto. So, even if having this thought wouldn’t be harmful, it would be
simply unjustified.
Da, ma gandeam la Doc,
probabil Doc e un exemplu de “asa nu”. gen, mult prea multe chestii in
ne-comun. But still. Nu-I capat de tara.
Si cu toate ca nu-I
capat de tara, ii… ii cumva un punct in interiorul tarii. One way or another,
my mind is stuck with her. Ceea ce ii sireniu. De exemplu, dac-as freca un
overtime si marti, poate, cine stie, Indu. Grr. Adica, ii aiurea, dar ii
sireniu. Toata imensa-mi dragoste rationala. Ii pur si simplu o tipa
simpaticica cu care am avut niste conversatii misto.
Da, ma gandeam sa mai
adaug chestii, dar cam despre asta e vorba. Ii o tipa care mi-a dansat pe un
rand de conversatii. So the reason I’m so into her right now is because
mermaids. But damn, pretty nice mermaids.
Nuj, frati, cu toata
chestia asta. Cu big playsurile, cu toata... cu tot dansu’ asta. Cred ca nu
fortez. Cred ca e timpul. Daca m-as putea vedea cu ea, daca m-as putea vedea cu
ea o data la doua saptamani, cred ca e timpul sa fac o miscare. Nu stiu cum ii
situatia conversational, si cum o sa mearga, dar atata timp cat nu se strica
cred ca îi legit sa fac o miscare. Make or break. Si
apoi,
‘sec, what was today’s
message about?
Glory
: between God and You:
love,
O...something.
Obedience? Openness!
And restoration. I
guess obedience was something I kinda had in mind.
But, yeah, coming back
to that thought. Am I… obeying God, by going out with her?
I don’t know. It’s
about darkness. She’s darky. Lovely, too, which is of God, but darky too. How
can we… cum putem s-o-mpacam p-asta cu intunericu’ si Dumnezeu pe aceeasi
pagina?
See, that is the
thing. She does talk into my love, but darkness surrounds her. Does my love
have a reaction towards hers? Mnuj. N-am… nu pot nota momente cand am auzit-o
vorbind de chestii bune. About light and love. Outside of the conversations
where she just went with my idea. She was wisely unhateful at points, but I did
also explicitly show my dislike towards hate. That’s an easy thing to dodge, if
you wanna get under my skin.
Da, nu. Ii
atragatoare. Din multe puncte de vedere, dar nu ii vad lumina momentan. Did I
miss it? Was I blinded by my own light? Gen, barna din ochiu’ meu a eclipsat
aschia din ochiul altuia? Was I too focused on myself? Gen, m-am concentrat
prea tare pe aschia din ochiu’ meu si n-am vazut barna din ochiu’ ei?
Delia-I atrasa de
darkaiala si ea, si ii, relativ incontastebil in okii mei, o persoana buna.
Si-atunci ma apropii
de pietre si-mi tin gura. Si-astept un semn.
“but ian”, you’d say,
“how about self-fulfilling prophecies?”
Iar eu o sa raspund:
“nuj, frăți.”.
Nuj, nici semne de la
Dumnezeu nu simt ca am primit concret in directia aia. Ala-bala-portocala? Is
that what you base your life decisions on?
Am impersia ca
randurile de coincidente au lucrat bine, but then…
La fel cu larisa. La
fel cu aida, even. La fel cu ce vrei tu, si unele au mers si altele n-au mers,
si dinnou, poate tot ce Dumnezeu vrea de aici e sa invat chestii, si poate una
din chestiile principale pe care vrea sa le invat ii ca darkaiala nu ii buna.
Dar, intr-adevar, in
momentul asta, nu am invatat chestia asta inca.
In momentul asta o consider capabila si voitoare de bine, si consider ca
am putea lucra impreuna sa facem chestii misto.
Dar in momentul asta
nu sunt in stare sa ma descurc cu ea. Nu sunt in stare sa ma descurc cu flow-ul
covnersatiilor in ultimul timp. Si-atunci am, pur si simplu, nevoie ca Dumnezeu
sa ma ajute sa trec cu bine prin asta. Safety and growth.
Si visa marriage-ul
imi piticește maxim pe creier,
Cu atat mai mult,
Cu cat a spus clar ca
ar fi dispusa sa se marite doar de dragu’ familiei si al traditiei.
Nuj dude, poate esti
tu dubios. Dar, la sfarsitul zilei, oricum ar fi, n-ai. Tu joac-o cat de bine
poti, dar nu exagera. Hai, pune mana si mananca si fa chestii mai bine,
ne-auzim.
Stash.
04/04. no target word
count.
‘got a rope and summit
‘got a rope and
summit,
But we need to wake
up,
Need to wake
Up.
Funny how there’s this
blank at the beginning of my mind at the beginning of my page. Like all the
thoughts that have been travelling in this messy traffic are suddenly at a red
light.
…
Because yeah, I guess
this does give them a solid form. Let’s put some bullet points on that face.
Yes-ter-day. Because
this is what this is about for the most part.
- “I actively held
myself back from showing affection, because even creating a small emotional
bond would have made me biased. Not having a beer after the first meal turned
out to also be a good idea. Because I wanted to see her with my utmost
rationality. I wanted to see her not as someone I could share affection with,
but as a person. I wanted to pay attention to the vibe I got from her, and the
way she does small stuff and the way she thinks about big stuff. And maybe she
was not comfortable enough to be completely herself, but… I did not feel
dishonesty. I did not allow myself to irrationally fall for for her, but I do
find myself, my rational bit, giving in to her style. Like she is someone I
could work with. G. r. r. Trust. Trust God on this, really. I don’t know about
it. We could make plans and masterplan, but at the end of the day we’re both
poor and busy and relatively far away. And lately online communication’s been,
quite decisively on my side, uncomfortable. So, I need to keep the rose away
from my eye, because of physical difficulty.
But. Damn. Dunno.
Maybe not even damn. Rusts. Don’t really wanna damn stuff. Like, the stuff she
likes to do, travel-wise. And the idea of going on long peaceful walks with… I
don’t know, the person whom I shared those thoughts with.
Interesting how the
conversation in my mouth became “sharing thoughts” in my head. Am I rose-ing
the conversation?
I don’t know, but,
like, there seems to be… stuff we could do. And I wanna do stuff with her. Like
walks and games and musix and talking about stuff we do.
Is that a possibility?
I do not know. I am afraid. I am genuinely afraid I’ll misplay…
But God is a thing. He
turns my misplays into opportunities.
So, even if you do
misplay, brother,
Even if you do lose
her,
God will use that to
your advantage. To His advantage. To His People’s advantage.
When talking about
Crewe. You could’ve stealth-ed it out, and surprised her, maybe. But you did
not. And, this time, that made things better.
For everything that
could’ve been, I’m glad that we took the ride. There’s not relief in
bitterness…
Interesting that you’d
choose to end on that. The way I’d take it today is that for better or worse,
wherever this goes, it should be a ride worth taking.
So, rationally, stuff
I should talk to her about.
- super bullshit-free conversation about her
possibility of doing this kind of stuff.
* the strictly online
thing would not be enough to keep this going. If we are to create a bond, we do
need hands-on stuff to consolidate it. Whether you are investing yourself in
this or not does depend on whether you can meet or not.
For me, it is a
financial effort, and it is a day when I have to put my progress on hold.
Technically, I’ll need to work several extra hours each month, but it is
doable. I would do it. Heck, I think if I had a guy friend who would be into
the stuff she’s in I’d do that stuff with him too, the fact that I can keep her
warm and safe and create a romantic relationship with her just makes it times
better.
- the idea of me
actively not creating a bond last time. Might be overexplaining, needlessly
justifying.
I must confess that as
a person, I have trust issues when it comes to emotional attachment.
Overexplaining.
So, go via the
rational conversation of doing this kind of stuff. If the response is negative,
you Must Start Falling Back. God might have wanted you to get into this whole
thing just so you could hear the conversation yesterday. Or so that she could
hear the conversation yesterday, or so that that homeless person got a bit of
food. So do keep the possibility of departure in mind. If you cannot consolidate
the bond, you must not create the bond. At this stage she is, still, just a
faraway girl with close-by compatibility. Distance is decisive.
But.
If we could do this
kind of stuff every few weeks. This could be good.
So, go via the realm
of possibilities.
“I’d like to have a
conversation between two adults with you.
“For me, yesterday was
a truly beautiful day. I like exploring new places, both alone and with
company. But you… your presence. Your style. I’d like to visit more places with
you, Ann.
“Would you like to
visit another city, for now? Hiking could be an option but I would like to gain
some confidence doing it alone first.
If the answer is among
the lines of “eeeeeh. Not really, maybe sometime. Maybe not.”, then:
“a’ight, no worries
then
“cool, well, we’ll
figure something out
Then slowly drop out.
‘few days break, then small conversation, then let it fade.
Please, very-please,
do keep in mind, familiarise, naturalise yourself with the idea of letting go
of her completely. Because what you can have under sub-optimality is not what
you want. Not what you need.
Conversation itself
might have to keep this kind of pattern. Not much talking during work nights,
because bad timing, with attempts at conversation during off-nights.
Big dumpling. But I am
glad we did sort some stuff out. Go there and do stuff now, brother. And don’t
worry, we’ve got this. Do your thing, let God do His thing, and we’ve got this.
Much love.
Brain relief.
In 15 minute, masina…
Disconnect all loops,
Reasons and to do
lists,
Breathing without
rules.
Starting at 4560
Finish at least at
5160
And,
Just like that,
His mind went blank.
But maybe blankness is
the right state of mind. Or am I trapping myself?
A’ight, start
technically then.
Stuff that I need to
remember:
- I did like her, but
I was chasing mermaids. Right now, due to the conversations being increasingly
uncomfortable, I do not like her. I do not dislike her either but, as a long
distance friend, she is, at the moment, not the most desirable sort of
conversation.
What we want to take
from that point is that you’re not on a trip to conquer her heart. You’re going
there to have fun. Whether she’s coming or not. So you’ll do fun stuff, like
walking on walls and visiting the cool gardens and walking along the river, and
spending some time at the museum, and maybe the library too.
And maybe the falconry
too.
The tricky part is the
bait. Will you, or will you not, bait yourself into making a move?
Because on one hand,
you really do want some affection. But on the other hand, affection, at this
point, might imply commitment, and that, you do not want.
So, if you could
somehow….
No.
Holding hands and
kissing is not something that you do and then you go away as if nothing
happened. That’s just a mild version of one night stand-ing.
So you’re…
Friendzoning yourself?
‘gosh, I’m glad we’re
having this conversation.
What’s your plan?
You’ll go there and do all this cool stuff, and have all these awkward moments,
and hopefully end the day @ 4 in a pub with a meal, a drink and video games.
So what are you…
What are your
intentions?
Are you still going
for a relationship, and using this as a good opportunity to switch gears, and
maybe clarify some stuff?
The unnatural signs
that you asked for seem to point in the direction of this being a good thing to
pursue.
Damn, this thing feels
so similar to the Kei story. Except, Ann knows you like her. And she might like
you. Although communication sucks.
So,
What are you going for
is a hit or miss.
Not mild-ing around.
You’ll try to feel her. Feel her as a person. You’ll try to remind yourself to
pray during that time, and ask for answers, and let God guide you.
What I’m trying to say
is that this,
Whether it does happen
or not,
Should change the
game.
So, my intentions
going into this thing are as follows: if it goes really well. Grr. If it goes
well (not acceptable, well.). As in, good. As in, you’d like to spend a lot
more time with the person but will have to do with this.
If it goes well, you
do try to take her hand. And do try to make active steps towards something that
will be a relationship.
But,
If it doesn’t go well.
If it goes “eeh *shrug*”,
Then you don’t go for
it.
I need you to have
this very clear thing in mind.
Going for it is giving
up comfort. Giving up the idea of finding someone close by, who you’d have a
proper close couple relationship with.
But going for it also
implies giving up growth,
Growth in the ability
to look for Her. For The Her. Time spent in a relationship is time not spent
learning how to initiate a relationship.
How do I put this,
because it’s all starting to sound bullshitty, and I want to be honest with
you.
Dude.
Don’t mermaid-hunt
this.
Giving he up is an
option. An option that has been screaming at you from the background. Giving
her up is a comfortable option, which might be what you need, in these
uncomfortable times.
It sounds like I’m
heavily biased against her,
But that’s just
because Treah is heavily biased for her.
So, what I’m trying to
say is,
Play this right,
brother.
Carefully weight your
options,
And pray,
And let God do His
thing too.
You’ve got this.
Go do good stuff.
I trust.
Brain searching.
Start: 3550
Desired finish: 4150
Bum bam bam bum baaam
bam.
Food tomorrow morning:
cook tonight, eat half of it with a ton of bread, eat the other half of it
tomorrow morning
Go to church, arrive 5
minutes early and speak to Roy
‘was a day off. You
won’t be physically tired tomorrow unless you do extremely dumb stuff….
.
.
.
.
.
Papers are still okay.
By all means, work is okay, you went to church, things is okay…
.
.
.
.
.
Sun
Day
Iarasi.
Si data trecuta era
duminica seara…
.
.
Iar data trecuta era
nasol, era frig, era intuneric, era…
Era dupa sambata seara
aia cand vorbisesi ciudat cu ea.
‘mi-as picioarele, nu
pot sa cred c-a trecut doar o saptamana de atunci.
C-au trecut doar 2
saptamani de la praga…
Nu. Aia, pot sa cred.
C-au trecut doar 3
saptamani de cand vorbisem misto duminica seara…
Nu. Nu doar 3
saptamani. 3 saptamani is multe.
Still, she’s a… drifty
thought. The place where my mind drifts.
O fi neok?
Panamea cine stie.
Tre’ sa-mi tin mainile
pe tastatura. Mainile mele nu vor, mainile mele, si corpul meu, in general,
vrea sa pluteasca. Pur si simplu sa pluteasca si sa nu se mai gandesaca la
toate grijile, freakin, dunno, responsavbilitatile impuse, ne-comfort zone-ul….
.
.
.
Si ma frustreaza, din
coltu’ mintii, ma frustreaza chestii gen ca nu am calorifer, si ca fan
extractoru’ ii murdar, si ca tre’ sa spal tigaia de la aragaz si ca tre’ sa fac
laundry-ul, si ca toate alea mici si marunte si ca maine ar fi bine sa fac
atatea chestii,
Gen sa merg sa inot
Si sa sun la scoli
Si sa fac laundry-ul
Si sa fac cumparaturi
o tona.
Si, in teorie, ar fi
bine, toate astea sunt lucruri bune, sunt chestii misto si care ajuta dar…
Frustraerea asta
generala…
Aaaaaaaaarrrrgggghhhh.
3890. ne apropiem.
Ma simt… in offside,
ma simt in offside si cu prietenii pe care ii am,
Mi-I jena si sa
vorbesc cu doc,
Si aisel ii in copac
si
….
Si ann nici nu stiu ce
pana mea ii cu ann. Nici n-ar trebui sa fie pe lista la ea ma dau, nu vreau sa
fiu sa ma bazez pe ea ca pe un prieten.
Maybe I should,
y’know? Maybe I should talk to her today, dunno about what or how or… nuj…
poate acum.
Ma gandesc ca si-ai
mei se-ntreaba de mine si ce si cum, cre’ca ar trebui sa le scriu sa le zic ca
sunt okay, si ca nu inghet si ca munca merge si ca am temrinat cu turele lungi
de munca si o sa trec pe ture mai scurte saptamana viiitoare si ca sunt bine.
Si ca sunt
Bine.
Nuj, as putea sa-I
scriu gen lu’ delia, da’ ce pana mea fac, de ce pana mea, cum….
Uihaslkfda.
Nuj.
Simt c-as fi un
ghipe-n coada cuiva, oricui I-as scrie.
Simt ca-s o povara de
carat.
Si ca nu-s contractat
cu nimeni sa ma care.
Cre’ca aisel era, la
un moment dat, contractata. Desi, in adevar, nimeni nu era niciodata.
Dar in trecut am mai
carat poveri.
Acum nu mai car.
Si
Cu unele persoane am
decis nici sa nu mai impart.
Am decis sa-mi car
singur povara, in țări
străine.
Am plecat, nu ca sa
gasesc oameni sa-mi care povara, ci ca sa-mi dovedesc ca pot s-o car singur.
D-aia am plecat. Sa dovedesc ca n-am nevoie de familie si de prieteni si de
toate alea.
Sau, am plecat pentru
comfort financiar.
Nuj. Cre’ca am plecat
pentru ca era singuru’ lucru de facut. Ai mei nu m-ar fi putut tine-n spate-n
bucuresti, si toata lumea, inclusiv/mai ales eu ar fi fost dezamagita sa fac
facultatea-n brasov.
Nu cred c-am avut
de-ales vreodata.
Cre’ca era clar de
cand eram mic si invatam engleza ca o sa plec in strainatate.
Cre’ca toate
argumentele cu care am venit
Sunt
Un fel de scuze,
Motive,
Poetizare a situatiei.
Ai mei n-au avut bani.
In adevar, am venit aici pentru bani. Si multumesc Dragostei, pot sa-mi platesc
chiria.
Nici macar pentru
cariera nu cred ca am venit aici.
Am venit
Pentru bani.
Pentru ca nu exista
alta sansa sa supravietuiesc bine acasa.
Pentru toata lumea era
clar ca o sa ma tina ai mei daca e nevoie, dar ca asta ar fi suboptim.
Pana mea. N-am bani,
dar supravietuiesc.
Ii atat de greu
Sa fac ceva mai mult
decat sa supravietuiesc.
Am o minte atat de…
nelinistita. De zburatoare. Zburdatoare.
Dar
In ultima instanta…
Nu stiu. Nu stiu cum….
Klhkalhflkajdfskaldjsalk.
N-are nik sens, stiu
cum, am un plan, nu stiu cum sa-l urmez, nu stiu cum sa nu ma trezesc duminica
dimineata si sta stau si sa fac chestii ne-necesare pana la 10.
….
Am….
Freakin’
Scenariul. Si
scenariul are sens.
Dar nu…. pot sa ma
depasesc,
Nu, nu nu pot sa ma
depasesc, pur si simplu nu ma depasesc……
As vrea sa fiu mai
mult, mult, mult mai mult, dar nu sunt.
Nu.
Sunt.
Si obiceiuri noi,
si…..
Fresh start effect, si
toata teoria,
Pana unde pana mea
merge?.
Nu stiu.
Nu.
Freaking.
Stiu.
Cum sa interactionez
cu oamenii astia.
Nici macar teoria.
Sa fiu amabil, dar nu
ultra-amabil.
Nuj, ii ca un moment
de teatru in care improvizez replicile,
Nu un moment de
improv,
O piesa scrisa. Iar eu
nu stiu ce-I scris, si merg cu ea.
Nici nu stiu ce-ar
trebui sa-mi scriu.
Ma simt
Frustrat.
Lasati-ma-n pace.
Nu.
Nici asta nu vreau,
Nici sa ma lasati in
pace, nici sa ma las in pace.
Vreau….
Vreau sa freakin’
cresc odata.
Vreau sa aiba sens
una-alta,pls.
The 23.03 status quo:
Too tired to commit to
stuff like planning a walk. Will need some good rest tonight. Good rest= 9+
hours, means that at 6 (in 3 hours) I should have been in my bed for quite a
while.
So, we need shopping
for tonight and tomorrow. Tonight meaning I eat once more around 5. so start
preparing around 4:30-ish. That is also the moment when I watch Hero Aca 2.
After eating is the moment when I watch Yuru Camp (at least 1, potentially 2).
And I need to get
food.
That is what matters
right now, getting my shopping done.
What I need:
- salad. Plain salad
should do, as I still have some extras.
- stuff to eat in the
morning: sweet biscuits/stuff, with good milk/yoghurt/fruity drink.
- stuff to eat in the
evening: meals+pizzas
- something comfy to
drink.
- apples if they are
cool.
So, salad, mornings,
evening, drinks and apples
Fist bump Brain dump. 20/03/18
I almost feel like
rambling would be cheating here. Says he as he rambles. Hurr durr. Hi, I’m here
to dump Brian.
‘been quite nice
without her, as long as I have stuff to focus on. I wonder if she’s even
important in this sentence.
There are some cool
thoughts that I had today, Brian pls:
Like, the one with
Nakochi, where I not only love her because she’s a really good And pleasant
character, but how I can identify with her in the inability to react really
fast in social settings, and the ability to have a really good delayed
reaction. And her swimming through the inn there was the best moment in the
show.
Don’t care about how
you’ve seen yourself, you’ve seen your own problems solved there. That’s not
#goals, that’s her own goals. You have your own. But, that was an absolute
bliss of a moment.
Which pairs well with
silences as negotiation skill. Maybe you can actually start using a lot more
silences. Like in the past 2 days, you rushed. That man who wanted to go to the
doctor? Coming to his rescue-> good, rushing down the instructions ->
bad. Breathe in. Relax. When there’s no one to rush you, don’t rush yourself.
That guy, today, with the raspberries. You gave him the advice he needed. You
were not sure about the price. You could have taken more time. Maybe you can
take more time with Ann too. Maybe even with yourself. Don’t… be afraid of
silences. Improvising is cool, but... Doesn’t really work a lot of the time.
Pi-a-no. You’ve got this, dude. In general, you’ve got this. Find the time.
Really cool how today’s daily bread, Ecclesiasties(?), was about how there is a
time for everything. Don’t… don’t. it’s not how you do stuff. You think, you
calculate, you act. If there’s no time to make it right, there is no time to
make it.
I think ,in theory,
the right move is to reply today. But think it through. And the next messages?
They might take a while, but you’ll have to think them through too. You’ve
played it really well at points with her, and you’ve been blessed sometimes
too. The girl I like is not an answer to life’s great questions. She’s a
puzzle.
I wonder if I should
write to Doc. I’ll have to think about that. I should probably write to Delia
though at some point. ‘cuz she’s cool.
“I am so going to the
end of this street, and when I get there, you’ll see the great stuff that I’m
gonna do. Hmph!”
God bless you, young
man. Godpls.
Brian: the Dumpling.
Azi o fo’ greu s-ajung
aici. Mi-s curios de ce. Poate pentru ca tre’ sa zic ceva ce conteaza. Zise el,
in timp ce scrisese chestii care nu conteaza.
Dumpling, nonetheless.
I was thinking, could I possibly hope that, upon writing this all down I can
convince myself that “I already had this conversation”? Would be interesting to
see.
But, nonetheless, I
had a cool thought today. About telling children stories, and, more specifically,
Christian-related stories. How do you… explain that the snake was talking?
“Heh, snakes cannot talk, this is a silly story, it’s not a true story.” So
maybe it starts with explaining it to yourself.
I heard this really,
really cool message at the last service at Gilc. About how Revelations, and,
indeed, maybe the whole of the Old Testament, is not as much about “what God
did/ will do”, as it is about God’s patterns. You read the stories that God
allowed to be preached as His word to see how God works. And I’m sure there’s
weirdness to it, but there’s… something to it too. It allows the Bible to not
be accurate, but be true. So, maybe some things are part of the body of the
story, without being part of the Truth of the story.
I once read in a
really cool book that “all stories are true”. As a Christian, I’m not sure I
can hold that belief as much as I can as myself. Hmm. Can I hold that belief as
myself? Without thinking that my beliefs are unreliable? I don’t know. Depends
how much you think about the truth. Maybe the Truth of some stories is simply
in revealing the condition of the writer. The fact that the writer is
delusional. You cannot preach “all stories are true” to children. But maybe you
can preach that there is something to learn from every story.
“Maybe the snake did
not talk. Or, maybe he did, God can do some really amazing stuff, like making
an animal unable to talk... Maybe he did this to all animals, except humans…”
No. We’re going
off-topic.” Maybe the snake did not talk.” is staying, ‘rest is off.
“But that is not the
Truth of the story. A talking snake makes us understand the story and makes it
more interesting, but this is not a story about snakes who talk. This is the
story about people not listening to God, a story about people not being careful
about danger. This story has many Truths. A talking snake is part of the story,
but not part of the Truth.”
And still it feels a
bit too long.
“it is not the Truth
of the story. The most important thing about stories is what we learn from
them, and what they make us feel…”.
No. For adults, this
might be it. Art might be about feeling. But for children, the story is about
what we can learn from it. Good stories are ones are not only interesting, but
they also teach us things.
“Maybe the snake did
not talk, but this is not the big Truth of the story. The Truth of the story is
what we learn from it. You see, a good story is not only one that is
interesting, but is one that teaches us things. This is a story left to us by the
will of God, and what God wants us to do is learn from it. What can we learn
from this story?”…
What can we
Learn from this story,
Kids?
Also, I wanna write
this down so maybe it’ll stop bouncing inside my head, because I don’t think
it’s going anywhere.
I think it’s funny how
my facial expressions unintentionally change with my thoughts. Like, I smile at
nice thoughts, and sometimes chuckle to myself, or sigh, or frown, or make a
disgusted or disappointed look. Or blush, or whatever. It shows on my face. So,
when I’m in story, I have the feeling that I might have repeatedly frowned at
customers because I was annoyed at a thought, or randomly grinned at customers
because of a funny thought or something. It’s why I find it awkward using
emotes sometimes, because even as I write stuff, my face does these facial
expressions and I don’t feel the need to further signal the emotions I display.
And this might one day get me punched in the face. Dunno, maybe, maybe not.
Would be interesting/funny. Probably not pleasant. Brianplsno.
Right, and I think in
my thought I should find a way to talk to myself or to God more often and to you
(hahahaha) her less. I mean. Dunno. It’s
weird because I think about conversations with this girl so I guess It makes
sense. So maybe it’s not necessarily a bad thing, as I do think about future
conversations, and that is a line of thought. Maybe I’m getting jealous.
Anyway, dude. Try to
play it a little better with this girl, and try to play the day well in
general. You can do stuff, you know you can, we know you can. We know we can. I
know I can.
Big dumpling. Good
dumpling. Now stop the outer dumplinging. Less than 3!
Dumping Private Brian,
14/03. Start at 1280.
It starts with her.
Encouraging a friend
is weird. First, because encouraging people is weird, because of the problem of
expectations. It is that old podcast I need to find* about encouraging people.
Because you want to “reward” them based on their efforts, not on their innate
ability. That is what you want to focus on, stuff that they can do something
about.
Saying “I know you can
do it” is a bit like saying “I expect you can do it because of the stuff you
already have right now”, and it does not encourage going out and getting more
stuff. It encourages… laxness? “He thinks I can do it so I can just chill”
instead of getting work done. I really should look more into this if I really
want to focus on the education bit.
Nonetheless, it is
worth looking more closely at my relationship with her and how I paint this. I
do not know her, and I do not have expectations of her. And I think it is worth
finding a place to mention this at some point; that I do not expect stuff of her.
That maybe she’ll fail - there is a big percentage of luck and stuff out of her
control there anyway - but I am curious how she’ll do. How she’ll deal with it.
As a person, I am more interested in how she works with what she gets than on
what she is able to get. So, although from the way I talked today it would’ve
seemed that I have expectations and that I can get disappointed,
in truth I am, at least for now, mostly a third party in her life. And I’m
grateful that she tells me about her life, and I enjoy being able to observe
this story. So, I can’t, and in truth maybe I don’t even want to make
assumptions about what you’ll do next and how it will work for you.
Ugph.
I did stuff, today.
Thankful to God for helping me in this. What do I need to do next? Mostly eat
and play video games, which is pretty cool. Tomorrow’s Thursday, I said I’ll
got to Asda at 2 pm. Should leave home at 1:20, just in case. So, church at
12:30, home at 1:10, get a snack and go.
I Really Should start
the volunteering thing, but in truth it might be better to see how the overtime
works. I’d really be looking for some tons of overtime. Cut-off for next payday
is 25(?) so I think until that day, I could work every day maybe; except for
Sunday. Actually, maybe even Sunday, this week. And I’ll go to church during
the week. Although I really really wanna see the methodist church thingy. I’ll
find a way. I also want to transition to doing some checkout work too. Ideally,
5-10 HS, 10-2 checkout. That’d be quite brilliant. Do that 3 days a week and
it’s big ace. Alternatively, do 5-10 5 days a week? ‘shall see. For now, all
overtime is good overtime until 25th.
Tomorrow morning
council, then church, then Asda. But for today, food and video games, and
hopefully a little more talk with Ann.
‘gosh I feel like I’ve
not been winning those talks lately. I so-hope I’m wrong. Even still, if I’m
not, it is not the end of the world. ‘just think that it’d be really cool if it
worked out.
G.
R.
R.
You’ve got this,
brother. And I can honestly say this to you because I do know you. You’ve got
this. Go do good stuff now :^)
13/03; 18:30
Puf.Poofph.
Where do I even start.
Grr, this’s all so
noisy, the timer, the heater, the extractor. Brb.
I’m glad I got some of
my thoughts sorted on the walk. I have some brand new cool fantasies running
through my head, like that I’m restarting this life game on a higher
difficulty, and that I’m building up a new base and each thing makes life
easier. Like yesterday it was shower and cloth hangers, and today, at least, I
decided that there’s only one way to do laundry and that is at by using a
public laundry service. But I also realised that money really is tight,
so I need to revert to a lower poverty level, and I realised the strain, the
fear of poverty. Maybe in the past I thought, or subconsciously thought things
like “it’s easy, you just have to be poor for a while”, but now, experiencing
bits of it makes me realise that it is not that easy. And that’s for me,
and I even know some of the tricks for living with that but I still don’t quite
feel like doing it.
It’ll be fun
establishing a new routine. I really want to go to that Catholic church and see
what it’s all about, 30 minute mid-day service sounds interesting. I wonder if
I can blend in with people a bit. Anyway, tomorrow I need to really figure out
laundry (as I am severely running out of clean clothes) and I should really try
to get a pillow and get boiled water going. So maybe wake up at, say,
10, get those out of the way and be at church at 12:30(I need to check that).
And for that I want to get to sleep before 12 and want to get to sleep before
1. ‘see how the Pixie’s feeling I guess.
I’m not entirely sure
I’m using the right approach towards her either. In that, maybe I … no. I don’t
think I should just drop it. She’s strange like that, in terms of me having to
dance around her without really hearing the music, but she does feel like there
might be something worth there. That alone is not a reason to drop it. Not yet,
at the very least.
But I do need to show
more confidence, and more protective tendencies without actually interfering.
Suggesting a professional Skype account? Yes. Offering resources and asking to
directly help her with it? No. I should let her do her thing. It’d also be nice
to have some more deep talks, but I might have missed that opportunity last
night, and tonight she might be busy. Keep that window open, nonetheless. The
ideas that would be cool to discuss would be, if I find a thread that leads
there, how I think she’s all Young Mistress on the outside but a cute, magical
pixie on the inside. Give her some more protectiveness. I think it would be
interesting to share some of the new home ideas with her too. But that’s all
side quests. Main quest is to show that I care, to ask her how the thing went
and how she is feeling in general. I need to be a human that’s close, before
anything else. But after a human that’s close, I think it is a good idea being
a bit of a father-like figure. See how that plays out. Try not showing weakness
again please though.
You’ve got this, bro.
Pana una-alta, pofta
buna.
Te respect, si te
salut!
12th of
March
Brain dumping, cica.
600 de cuvinte azi.
.
.
.
La ce m-oi gandi?
La faptu’ ca ii o
sansa sa ma ia raceala. La semi-lesinu’ in care sunt si senzatia aia de “out of
luck”. nuj, poate-o fi din cauza ca au mers treb’ile super bine si am impresia
ca tre’ sa mearga super prost, sau pentru ca a fost o zi/inceput de zi foarte
upbeat si productiva dpdv al ideilor. Poate de-acolo o fi.
Sau, poate pentru ca
vreau sa ma masturbez si stiu ca/simt ca/ cred ca asta duce la out-of-luck-ness
general.
Sau poate-I pur si
simplu ploaia. Sau, faptu’ ca s-au terminat un rand de zile foarte upbeat si
ele. Acestea fiind spuse, ma uit in jur si nu-I oribil. Casa incepe sa aiba
sens, dusu’ merge bine, am planuri pentru cateva chestii, things are looking
up,
Desi n-am apa
fierbinte, sau cana din care sa beau apa fierbinte,
Dar cred ca sunt
constient ca out of luck-nessu’ asta nu ii rational ci mai de graba emotional.
App,is curios cum se
scrie out of luckness. Out-of-luck-ness?
Orisicart. Orisicat
orisicat orisicat. Mi-s semi letargic, daca nu letargic de-a binelea si n-am
chef sa mananc. Oare at trebui sa ma
fortez sa mananc? Sau sa ma-c sa ma culc? Nu prea vreau sa ma duc sa ma culc
pentru ca as mai schimba 2-3 mesaje cu Ann, asa, un fel de semi-conversatie pe
bune.
Is curios daca prinde
treaba asta tipa. Gen, daca-ntelege ce fac, si daca…
Spera,
Se asteapta,
I-ar placea…
…
Sa reluam conversatii
lungi si placute.
Si buuuuuh, cate
ganduri in directia aia. Adica, pe de-o parte, sa reluam vorbitul,
Pe de alta parte as
cam vrea s-o sun maine seara, si as vrea,
Chiar,
Oare ar trebui sa-I
scriu din seara asta ca as vrea s-o sun maine seara?
Ce mi-ar oferi scrisu’
in seara asta:
- s-ar gandi la asta
maine si la ce mi-ar zice. Ar face-o sa se gandeasca la mine, posibil, dar oare
in sensu’ in care te gandesti la chestii dupa care nu le faci sau in sensu’ in
care abia astepti sa se-ntample si-apoi se intampla…
Nu. Asta nu-I un motiv bun, sau, un beneficiu bun
la asta.
- ca ar putea sa-mi
zica si sa stiu si sa….
- ca as putea
planifica ceva de acum…..
Nu. Pare-se ca nu-s
motive bune sa-I vorbesc despre asta azi., mai bine-ncerc s-o leg maine-n
miezu’ zilei,
Dar ar trebui s-o intreb
pe la ce ora eventual.
Orisicat, ar cam
trebui sa-mi fac o lista de chestii de facut maine.
Gen:
- apa fierbinte si
cana: super-prioritate.
Ce altceva ar mai
trebui prin casa?
Ar trebui rezolvat cu
spalatul rufelor. Aia nuj cum facem, ar trebui sa ma interesez cat ar fi sa le
spal pe bani, macar sa ma interesez. Apoi, sa-ncerc sa vad daca pot sa deschid
geamu’ si eventual sa-mi usuc aici.
Daaamn, bai, ce mare
chestie era balconu’ ala. Chiar mai mult decat o curte, pana si daca presupunem
ca ar fi o curte-nchisa.
Oricum, deci,
Apa calda si rufe
trebuie rezolvate maine.
Apoi ar trebui aruncat
un ochi la biserica aia metodista.… si al aia catolica.
Nu. Metodista. All-in
pentru moment, ai nevoie sa te dedici intr-o singura directie. Deci: apa, rufe
si biserica, prioritati. Si de restu’ caramele,
Alte chestii de facut:
Pasi in directia
predatului: primul pas voluntariatul. Dar pentru asta ar trebui sa-mi stiu
overtimpii. Chiar, ar trebui sunat maine neaparat in Dyce. Deci setam niste
goal-uri momentan, si-apoi ce-o mai fi ‘om mai vedea.
Ia-o-ncet, boss.
Ia-o-ncet, dar nu sta degeaba. te-am lasat, succesi p-acolo!
