Dizgrațios.

" - You know what your problem is, Newton?
- My honesty?
- No. Your arrogance about your honesty.You think you're doing a great favour by being honest. But this is what actually expected of mankind. The fact that it has become rare doesn't mean someone being honest is doing any favour. "


Din Newton (2017), un film de care n-am auzit pana acu' un ceas si pe care nu l-am vazut si s-ar putea sa nu-l vad. 


Later edit! 

coincidente misto. 
aici: 
http://ncase.me/trust/

Weekly report

 

 

So, dear Doc,

 

I’m glad to say that home is right now okay. It’s been really dark, and really cold, and now I can safely say that I can drop the “really” from both sides. The area is indeed a bit dangerous as my coworkers confirmed, but so far (thank God), i haven’t really faced any dangers myself.

Although I don’t feel very comfortable overall, i think this is is quite an intensely spiritual experience. Like, me and God and no one else to watch my back.

 

Work is okay so far, not very problematic as it is the same job I did before and colleagues, while I still haven’t found people I have stuff in common with, are agreable people. I started going to this church where there is almost only old people, which is both strange and nice. i have been told about this other church, a bit more far away, which is apparently a lot bigger and it has more youth, but for now I’d like to stick with these people because there might be stuff I need to learn from them, and I might be able to help.

 

Otherwise, life’s strange. I had some odd realisations lately, like the fact that I don’t hide my facial expressions at all when I’m thinking and when I frown/laugh about my thoughts people in store think that I make that expressions at them. Or, the fact that the girl I like is a puzzle of her own, which might or might not be a clue to life’s great mysteries and that sometimes it might be better to just drop it, for sanity reasons. Or, the continuously self-confirming idea that there is this never-ending supply of books to read and people to meet and places to visit and happinesses to spread. And that sometimes the best way to glorify this cool, undecipherable thing that God is is just to make people think “thank God I interacted with this person today”. Even if they don’t really thank God, even if they are just thankful. Because I feel like just being thankful in itself is being thankful to God.

 

 

later that day: ci fac, bă?!

train yourself to let go,
of everything you fear to lose.



...
why shes great:
- pretty.
it always freakin' starts with pretty. why in the world... you don't even know that. you almost know that's not the super-case. it's just... prettiable. a face you can make yourself think about. and that is, probably, because
- accessible.
it could work. one way or another, it could work, there is, at the very least, the illusion of it working, and of it being fun. mermaid effect?
- hobbies.
freakin' hobbies, are not even top things. and she Does have hobbies that you are really into. but they are not the first thing you think about
- open-mindedness.
.
.
.

the more i think the more i see.

it is the... potential cure for loneliness that she presents. she is pretty damn great, for several reasons, but the main reason you... have trouble with her is because she could be a source of affection. in a world where, one way or another, you are running out of affection.


you
are running out
of affection.

and you... cling to it, are almost (?!?!) desperate for it.  that's why you want her. you want someone to love you, and, right now, she seems to be....
it seems like she could become a source of affection. the source of affection.

you seem to be at the stage where this cute, open-minded person who has cool hobbies has been reduced to a potential source of affection. those would be just excuses to make her love you.

starved off afection. pushed away all potential sources of affection...

si-atunci, nici nu... conteaza. dar, ar fi corect.

ce cred ca nu-i bine la ea:

- aisel imi povesteste despre cruzime. she seems kind to me but the person i was told about is not kind.
- she is going to freakin' Nam for several Months. si daca merge, o sa fie, in prima faza, o relatie lunga la distanta.

.
.
.
si asta, de-asta data, ar putea fi chiar ok. chiar la distanta, am putea avea chestii.







sunt...atat de biased. pentru faptul ca e o potentiala sursa de afectiune, mi-e atat de greu sa consider tot.
as putea sa cad in atatea gauri.
si sunt atat de plin de atatea incertitudini...


i seriously need some help from God here, because i cannot...
can i not.

rely on friends. for love. for appreciation and pats on the back.

i should get some friends
i should get in touch with some friends.


i pushed everyone....

but this is not the end of it all.


ai nevoie de oameni cu care sa vorbesti, dude. carora sa le pese de tine, si sa te faca sa nu te-arunci in foc, sa nu o arunci in foc.

sa nu faci ceva aiurea doar de dragul nevoii de afectiune.



stiu ca ti-i greu, frati. si ca esti nedormit zilele astea, si, gen, obosit emotional in sensul in care-ti mananca fix resursele alea pe care nu le ai.
si ca ti-e frica sa n-o pierzi ca sursa de afectiune, mai ales in zilele astea.

dar ea, cel mai probabil, nu e atat de disperata dupa afectiune. a trait fara baieti toata viata pana acum, eu sunt doar un element exterior, neutru, ea are echilibrul ei. n-o sa-i fie atat de greu.

n-o mai juca... mult. cantitativ. joac-o calitativ. scrie-i mesaje scurte si curpinzatoare. vorbeste cu ea putin, cat sa confirmi ca esti acolo, si eficient, cat sa-i confirmi ca esti o persoaana misto (dinnou, o persoana misto, nu o persoana care ar putea s-o iubesca!). arata-i, arata-ti, ca nu faci treburile astea pentru ea pentru ca este o fiinta oarecare de sex opus. cantareste-ti aprecierile si ofera-le doar cand trag la cantar.


nu...  te folosi de ea. ii o persoana misto. exista un univers in care v-ati putea bucura unul de altul, dar intai ca doi oameni frumosi, si apoi ca un cuplu frumos.

don't drain her of her emotional energy.
...


hai ca poti, frati.
si, pana una-alta, hai s-o rezolvam cu cazarea si cu munca.
esti spre bine, ba,
esti ci treb'e.







on a side note: welcome to adulthood. again.

in minutele de dinainte de-a-ntarzia.

on beginnings and endings.


i love beginnings and endings. for
multiple reasons.

but these days, jumping between endings, it all made sense.


beginnings are...
creative.


you meet someone new, there are All the possibilties.
you know next to nothing about them,

they can be your next lover,
next best friend or worst enemy,

or you could rob a bank together,
or be kidnapped together,
or they'll change your religion,
or you'll turn them into a freakin' harry potter fan.


the posibilities are pure poetry, they
quite literally,
endless.

end-les-ness.


and then you do stuff.
whatever you do.
you say hi on the street, have lunch together, go to the zoo together,
think with them and about them
you
do stuff
and the endlessness becomes reality, becomes stuff that actually happens.
stuff you can count, quantify, analyse, stuff that's just... there. it's not creative, or perfectly logical, it's just there.

which is cool, but

then

you part ways.

and that's when the endlessness ends.
that's the conclusion, that's the solution, that's the "well, that happened".

that's the logical bit, the... ultimate list, the final results, the
numbers, the numbers that cannot be changed.

the most finite, rational thing.


so, there are arguments to be made about my arguments,
but,
this that's why i love them: beginnings and endings, endlessness and the end of it, posibilties and future premises.

poetry
and
numbers.