Risk aversion - pana nu uit iar

Iască, and unexpected sunbeams and purpose

How do I


I feel like I am not doing worse than last year.

I was just going through the motions there, as I am now.

Doing what I had to do - as I now do what I have to do.

If I had to do something now, I'd do it.

I'd pair up whatever activity with swimming
or with church-ing.

I wasn't reaching further out of my comfort zone then than I am now.


I am not doing worse than in the last 12 months of employment.

My job now,

I feel,

is trying to find a stable hobby, (a stable video game is how I am currently approaching it), then a stable job.

That's what I feel.

I feel like I don't care as much about a hand-to-mouth job, as it does not define me,

Don't care much about living on my own - although I could - because I love these people and I think I'm doing well with them.

I'm looking for stuff to love.

'Feel like there's been a distinct lack of outgoing love from me for the past year or so.

My job was killing me and I was not loving it - that's why I ended up quitting really hard.

'Probably wouldn't mind it if I was loving it.

'Need to get better at this love-giving thingy as well, I guess. Like, I do love some stuff, but I find it easy to focus on what I don't love about it.

Also, like.

I did like solving problems and all. Would probably like conflict management , but probably not love it.

In the love scheme of things, liking (ma gandesc fix acums si s-ar putea sa am dreptate doar fix acum) doesn't quite matter, doesn't pull weight. Doesn't interfere with loving of shouldn't interfere with loving. Corelatie, nu cauzalitate.

Doamne-ajută, anyway. 

Sper c-o duci olea' mai bine la primire decat la expediere.

I don't know where i'm going with this but by God I hope i'm going somewhere.

 

 

We live in a society


Nu se mai faciliteaza traiul in baza instinctului de supravietuire.

cei care-l folosesc sunt cei care-au ajuns singur, si nici macar statul nu le mai da,
sau le da - fara sa faca nimic - si-atunci consuma pe droguri, ca apoi sa trebuiasca sa faca ceva sa primeasca mai mult.


eu daca m-as lasa de job m-ar tine mama in spate

m-ar tine toata viata.
pana moare,

doar dupa ce-ar muri mi s-ar activa instinctul de supravietuire, pentru ca atunci daca n-as mai face nimic n-as mai supravietui.

si-atunci trebuie facut ceva, trebuie trezit, trebuie, orice, in baza altui instinct.

 

'pui de-o nevasta si de-o mana de copii eventual, si-apoi gasesti motiv,

pentru ca proiectezi ca ei isi doresc comfort, si traiesti pentru comfortul lor.

Ii iubesti, si pentru ca ii iubesti vrei sa le fie bine, si bine le-ar fi comfort. Le-ar fi scoli bune, si birouri bune, si scroll scroll bun si cont de economii.

Tu nu-ti doresti asta - nu tare tare, nu pentru tine - dar pentru ei iti doresti. Iti doresti, pentru ca iti imaginezi ca ei isi doresc, si-atunci dorinta lor este ceva mai mare, ceva mai puternic, ceva ce poate inlocui instinctul de supravietuire.

Cam asta inseamna, de fapt, sa traiesti pentru familie, speculez. Desi cumva sper ca n-am dreptate.

 

Nonetheless, can't base it all off of survival instinct.

Ma gandesc ca aia cu universal basic income, pe care o vad plauzibila intr-o forma sau alta - cum si la limba universala s-a cam ajuns, si pare clar ca se va cam ajunge, desi nu-i Esperanto - asa pare ca-i si cu universal basic income, si apoi se oficializeaza faptul ca nimeni nu mai are nevoie de instinct de supravietuire.

Un alt instinct in baza caruia sa ne miscam. Sau, ceva, non-instinct? Nu stiu.

Ce zic adventistii cu "iesiti dintre ei" ar putea avea sens. Cumva, iti ai grija de pamant si traiesti din ce produce pamantul.

Dar cumva ne-ntoarcem la traiul pe baza instinctului de supravieuire.

Renuntam la ideea ca vor trai doar cei care vor cauza evolutie (prin chestii care aduc mai mult decat universal basic income) si mergem pe ideea ca luam supravietuirea in locul evolutiei.

.

.

.

I don't know. I don't know where I'm going with this, but by God, I hope I'm getting somewhere. 

Mai vorbim.

Explorarea potentialului

 Potential superficial - explorare, inainte de exploatare.

Show-off conversational si cele mai faine momente la mare cu Delia.

Teoretizam: atat fizic, cat si, in contextul acesta, psihic...

Let's drop it.

Cosmin doing dives la strand in Codlea.

Being wild on the mountain trail.

But maybe also being wild in conversations.

Does she *Need*, no, do I Need her to be wild in conversation?

It'd be cool if, but what if this is my thing, my guy thing? My type of sparring and showing off.

Asta s.ar putea sa fi mers cu Delia S, poate cu Teo, poate cu Ioana. Showing off and tempting them to join this dance of mine.

But maybe acting too wild would make it unattractive to join in; at best maybe just pleasant to watch from afar. Maybe being good at this dance would imply leading them in.

I guess this has been my invitation to dance. To drop the pleasantries and go deep and wild. Depth has been declined. Wildness has been half-accepted, but I might have taken it as deeply accepted.

Then rejection came in.

What if I would have goaded her to dance? Teased the dance steps out of her?

How does one do that?

Food for thought.

Lead them into deep-ness. Show them the joy of deep thought; of how good it feels to properly think.

Does she Need to be a dancer?

Maybe.

Can't say.

But I will learn how to dance with people.

"Parca am fi beti, vorbim despre treburi d-astea."

Join me in my drunkenness.

Let's work on that.

Projecting

Of, bă. Chiar toti stiti fix cum sta treaba? Si va e frica de ideea ca ar putea sta altfel? Chiar nimeni nu-i interesat de church-hopping zilele astea?

Craving

This: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2wLyhgeYsw And this: https://youtu.be/DZvVaOwJNk8 This too, to tell the full story

Status quo

 

Interviews and lotr board game and study group awkwardness .

Si cate si mai cate.

Duminica dimineata - Oasa

 How does one even.

Difficult to listen.

~praises as to someone whom one does not

Sambata seara Mara

 In ucenicie cu nenea Solzaru.

Predica lui fr. Poenariu.

Despre lege. (?)

~Raspunsul lui Dumnezeu vine in urma cererii/strigatului. Rugaciune.

/Grr. Fakeness? 

1 Ioan 3:1+ See what great love the Father has lavished on is, that we should be his children. And that is what we are.

/Phi 2:13 4: Vointa si infaptuirea. Finishing the work He has started.

3 All who have this hope purify themselves

4 Everyone who sins breaks the law.

5 ...He appeared so that he might take away our sins...

6 No one who lives in Him keeps on sinning. No one who continues to sin has either seen Him or known Him.

/ Cum loveste asta... Once you see Him you cannot sin. 

Deut 9:10 ~if you do good, good stuff happens

11 "Now what I am commanding you today ia not too difficult for you or beyond your reach"

/... cum vine asta?

Romans 8

3: the law was powerless

/ In what way was the law actually powerless?

/ 4 legi aici, zice nenea Niță.

^in 90% din cazuri facem bine. Problema acatului este ca nu facem tot timpul binele.

^Binecuvantarea este implinirea legii. 

/~Do good stuff and good stuff happens.

~Legea lui Dumnezeu nu depaseste puterea noastra.(?) - Deut 9 11

^Sa nu iesi din casa pana nu il auzi pe Dumnezeu^

/Really need context for Deut 9 11.

/~ memorising Bible verses; singing; doing Christ-related stuff.

^Nu pacatuim pentru ca suntem slabi, ci pentru ca ne despartim de El. Nu facem bine pentru ca suntem puternici, ci pentru ca suntem in El.

Fear

 Check it —
Can I be real a second?
For just a millisecond?
Let down my guard and tell the people how I feel a second?
Now I'm the model of a modern major general
The venerated Virginian veteran whose men are all
Lining up to put me up on a pedestal

Every anxious thought that steals my breath
It's a heavy weight upon my chest
As I lie awake and wonder what the future will hold
Help me to remember that You're in control

 

 

I'm looking for a place
Where I can plant my faith
One thing I know for sure
I cannot create it
And I cannot sustain it
It's your love that's keeping me

 

 Nu stiu daca am auzit,

insa daca n-am auzit ar trebui spus, sau re-spus, sau...

faith is the opposite of fear.

'think i heard that fear is the opposite of love, that'd make some sort of sense too.

That's... what I think it is.

That's my self-diagnosis.

That's what I feel.

Si se izvbeste de mine-n valuri, ca valurile, ca toate valurile, ca multe valuri.

always has been.

And i've fought it before, by defying it.

Fuck your fear, zicea James Winter, de la Improv Soc.

'been doing that for a while, now and then. Streaks of fearlessness based on defying fear.

Public speaking, despite fear.

Getting into conversations with pretty girls on the bus,

or, asking girls out even. 'Guess 's how 've been able to get into relationships at times but not quite make them work.

Moving to a different country, or to a city i knew nothing and noone about.

'been there, done that.

Defied fear.

Pokemon Randomizer

 Like, can we just talk about this for a second?

Ma gandeam mai devreme azi cum nu po' sa am incredere-n parinti, sau in prieteni sau in colegi de munca si daca ma-nsor cat de oribil va fi ca poate nu voi avea incredere nici in ea, and thank God for the fact that I can trust God, or I can justifiably try to, cuz otherwise this whole thing would just be one massively inconvenient time-measured inconvenience.

Mi-am luat niste lapte pasteurizat sa beau cu briose cu ciocolata si are data de expirare in mijlocu' lu' Februarie si-i freakin' acru, ii de-a dreptu' lapte prins.

Si-apoi, am o sticla de lapte care-i pe jumate de vreo 10 zile.n frigider si n-am aruncat-o si avea si data  de expirare acu' vre-o saptamana. Si-am vrut sa-l arunc dar am probat intai si ii bun si dulce si maxim de lapte okay.

Like, isn't that pokemon randomizer thing just the closest media can get  to a real life simulation?

Atat, mersi, sper sa ne-auzim :D

Shopping

- Paine

- Furaje

- Pizza

- Fructe

- Legume

- Iaurt

- Furaje

- Gel de dus

-pdd

Tehnic Mara

 Generalul in priza

- pornit pc/laptop

- pornit 3 camere

- camera de jos - crescut luminozitate

- parola laptop:

- pornit mixer(on/off switch in spate - O/I)

1) ridicat volum main (jos dreapta)

- pornit microfon rosu/albastru pe buton rosu

Setarea default 1 : 

Setarea default 2: cele 2 microfoane de ma amvon.

- volum: o singura linie de rosu e bine 

Ca sa inchizi microfon: unlock, then turn off using the button on the botton

- lavaliera( la gat) : deschis la baterie - unlock-set, then turn off

- mic balc - sunet ambiental, de pornit cand cantam cu sala 

Ambiental: setarea ch 1-8 + setarea aux in cu prinele 2

Inchis mixer principal: setup-> shut down(primul buton), apoi oprire de la switch.

Pe laptop: softul ATEM: prw = preview.

When preview is good, click auto to display.  PGM= what is displayed online

Pentru online: programul OBS de pe desktop.

Streaming-> FB

Recording -> YT

Ca sa transmitem:

Mozilla -> FB ->Scurtatura Bis Mara

FB-> start live -> foloseste cheie flux.

Copy it and paste it in OBS-> Settings-> Stream -> paste OBS key

Titlu si descriere identice

Press "intra in direct"

YT -> Titlu si descriere la fel