overflow, indeed.

 ci dubios m-am destabilizat in seara asta.

strange and wonderful and awful

grr.

.

.

cata bariera de intrare am la gandurile astea.

feeling less like 314llar and maybe more like 314ne cone

not even overflowing.

ce interesant si aiurea si incert ca ma simt neinfatuat cu tine,

mai ales ca ma simt usor infatuat in alte situatii.

poate-i un mecanism de autoaparare

maybe because i dont think you're hot? 

kinda?

or, in that way?

ai grija ca ne certam, si nu stiu cum adorm in seara asta and i really sorta probably dont wanna go full abandon tonight. ar fi un soi de sacrilegiu.

ci-aiurea ca incerc atat de mult 314llar si-apoi apari tu care imi arunci chestii de genu' ca nu vrei "sa-ti faci asta" pe care le interpretez eu ca mob in episodu' 3 din sezonu' 3 si ma simt ca mob in episodu' 3 in sezonu' 3 si vreau sa-mi zici ca ti-i frica sa nu te-ndragostesti de mine.

desi asta cred c-ai vrut sa zici si probabil asta ai zis

dar nu stiu daca-i asa.

z'var oxitocina de toamna sau iarna sau frig sau poate asa-i mereu dar acum simt tare asta.

si nici nu vreau sa citesc ce-am scris mai sus.

'dafuq are you

dafuq is happening.

ci-aiurea m-am destabilizat

si ce pana mea inseamna stabilizarea asta anway

maybe i'm just bored or something i don't even have enough data to speculate i just kinda don't wanna deal with it just wanna sleep forever in a way, a sorta different way than usual.

'mi-as picioarele this feels awful

y i gotta feel like this

cica sa nu dai vesti proaste seara pentru c-apoi tre' sa stai cu ele.

awful and wonderful and strange

i just want some comfort

some absolute comfort 

some abandon.

but i am big thankful.

i kinda owe writing back to you.

i feel like i'm being praised for being unreliable.

praised, but not necessarily rewarded.

dafuq kind of weird stuff i gotta do for this 

do i even want this

hai să narăm.

ne-am intalnit ieri, desi rational era improbabil si probabil ne-necesar; uncalled for.

si-am vorbit, ieri. we just randomly dived into deep personal stuff with barely touching unto traditional personal stuff

si ieri,

honestly,

that was great and was okay.

i thought i'll remember how cool it is that you have strong principles, despite your annoying inflexibility

and how to deal with the autistic child

i'm thankful for that

i should let you know i'm thankful for that.

iar azi, what did we even talk about on the bus, was it just mutual tension manifestation? surely it was cool talk. surely what we talked about was cool and maybe probably for you more than for me, 

we talked about

anime

and beauty

and completeness and rightness

so freakin' excited about unloading emotion unto you and you reacting to it.

si-o fost atat de obosit si de natural si de ne-regizat.

eram stresat 7/10 atunci.

 

As fi vrut sa-ti scriu o scrisoare scurta. Si cred c-as fi avut timp, dar nu stiu dac-ar fi fost potrivit. So here's my humble overflowing reaction.

Mi se pare amuzant ca nu ai fost surprinsa ca ne-am vazut ieri in 5.

I think it was just the right kind of oversharing. But that might be because when talking to people I'm honestly just bored; restless; enjoy being super stretched. I like the sensation of it. The hype of it.

 

Cred ca-i important sa gandesti teorii. Speaking of oversharing and stories, imi amintesc ca eram cu Hari (promit ca nu e singurul om cu care interactionez) intr-o iesire random sambata seara in Sighisoara si ne-am gandit cum ar fi dac-am fi atacati de un porc mistret. Si n-am fost niciodata atacat de mistret, dar pentru ca am rumegat teoria cu el in seara aia, acum stiu ce-ar trebui sa fac, si cred ca si voi face. Same with the trolley problem. I still find it awful to have to push the lever (and I still think it's the same thing as pushing the person over, minus the violence which I do not believe to be evil in itself). But I think in a real life trolley problem, I'm way more likely to make the decision, now that I've thought about it. Cred ca ajuta tocmai ca metoda de preventie a inactiunii cauzate de lipsa de timp de-a procesa situatia de la zero.

So yeah, going back to stress levels, I think I'm either on 1-2-3 or 7-8-9. Imi place sa fiu previzibil, dar nu constant. Prefer ori sa fiu treaz, ori sa dorm. Either stretched or resting, desi cred ca trebuie sa veghem mereu.

O fost aiurea de ziditor, si de destabilizant in acelasi timp, sa vorbesc cu tine.

 Am avut astazi la parc un copil cu autism, caruia i-am facut instructajul. Si am decis ca nu ar fi bine sa mearga pe trasee; nici macar sa incerce sa mearga pe trasee. Si mi-o prins teribil de bine c-am vorbit cu tine aseara. Cumva, inca sunt impacat cu ce am facut, desi sunt 100% sigur ca actiunea mea n-a fost 100% corecta. For the sake of all good in the world, daca doar asta ar fi fost rezultatul conversatiei noastre ar fi fost un net pozitiv.

 

Dar n-o fost.

 

Stii cum mi-ai spus ca tinteai spre 100% perfectiune?

Eu cam tintesc spre 100% disciplina. Cred ca, rational, as fi avut enorm de castigat, mai ales pe planul relatiilor, daca as fi reusit sa fiu 100% disciplinat. Dar, aiurea, am avut niste deschideri de relatie in ultimul timp si m-am aplicat enorm, in felul meu educat disciplinat rational, am aplicat toata fiinta care vreau sa devin lor, si n-a fost ce trebuie.

Si-apoi, am vorbit cu tine in seara asta si-am primit cel mai aiurea si-adanc compliment, prin refuzul preventiv al imbratisarii aleia si-ncerc sa ma-ntreb daca n-ar trebui sa... to lean more into what I tend to be. More wind and fire than earth and tree.

A fost tare ziditor, coincidentally confirmed so within 24 hours prin copilasu' ala de azi.

Intr-un mod pe care mi-e greu sa-l descriu, si pe care nu mi-e clar ca nu-l pot justifica doar prin caldura interioara a aprecierii pe care-am simtit-o.

Tu din ce te-alimentezi cu frumos in viata? Eu prin animeuri, si prin muzica dimineata tare tare cand sunt in autobuz si ma gandesc "bai, ce muzica buna ascult cateodata". 

Dar aseara, intr-un mod incomplet justificabil fizic sau social sau platonic, m-ai alimentat cu teribil de mult frumos.

Ieri ma gandeam ca ar fi tare bine pentru omenire daca am ramane "catch-up friends". y'know, the type of friend that you catch up with whenver you're in the same area. cine stie, poate si-n ceaiuri 2 la 2, sau 1 la 2, sau cum si cu cine ne-om mai lega si noi cand o fi cazu' (damn if I'm not uber curious who you'll end up spending your life with). It just felt like unconditionally edifying interactions, whenever they happened.

 

Grr. I don't like writing all of this stuff at once. It's not generally a good omen. Dafuq generality even is.

 

Grr.

Maybe I could be wise about it.

 

but it is good to have caught my overflow

I think.

 

maybe wind and fire rather than earth and tree...

 

wind, for sure. But earth? I think earth too. 

 

Wind and earth.

Oddly.

Characteristically odd. 

Better now?

Thank (God for Kubbi)

 

 

also, cs lewis' boy and horse (book 3)

 i'm becoming a better human, friend.

working on it.

i still think of you. in strange and slightly contradictory ways.

i hope  you learn how to love.

part of me - a Significant part of me - hopes you learn how to love and get (back?) to loving me. 

but that might be 4 am strangeness kicking in .

seems so awful and borderline utopic to be given love without having to ask for it. to be given Enough love.

is that even possible?

i keep thinking that when i'll find it i'll look back and go "yep, it definitely was", but it seems more reasonable to think that there'll always be this hole inside of me. from birth or before birth or childhood trauma or misadaptation. 

or pesonal decisions.

loneliness, sadness, suffering. 

astea-s constante ale vietii,

incep sa cred,

even at their lowest, they seem to be there. they should be understood and accepted; lived with; leaned into and allowed to help us in

becoming a better human, friend.

assist us in

working on it.

comfort us when

thinking of each other. in strange and contradictory ways

teaching us (hopefully)

to love

at least partly, but maybe wholly, each other.

but that,

it might really be,

just 4 30 strangeness

kicking in.

in truth, i still miss who i think you could be,

who i think you are,

more than who you were.

but i do,

selfishly, i know,

think and hope that you are more of who you could be now.

could we go to sleep now, please?

 

 

 

'guess not.

Pre-interviu la carturesti

 My december de la linkin park.

Slight sense of guilt and unfulfillment.

The opposite is satisfaction and contentment.

The current goal is self-esteem and confidence.

Guilt for breaking Sabbath And not preparing. 

I did the best I could today. I need to think of a better framework. But for now, I did my best. Perfectly optimised preparation, and I have done my duty to my family. 

Even Saturday. Even with Church. A fixed framework does not seem appropriate; old Jews stand as an example for that.

We do what we can of what we should and what we want.

Sucks to go against NNN. Was also mostly unsatisfying and guilt-inducing.

What was guilt the opposite of? Well. Satisfaction, it seems. Self-satisfaction. Self-esteem?

We should be like pro players should be, untiltable and knowing we are good enough to win, knowing we are the best that is needed.

Christianity maybe holds that we should be whole because of what has been done to us. But how does one take hold of that?

We shall overcome. Gotta do it. Definitely good enough to get a 2k at Cartu.

Leggo.

Why return home?

Due to love of Romanian language and culture and attachment style. It is said that it takes 30 hours of quality time to become attached to someone. Most of those, we have by proxy through culture.

Why drop corporate?

Because I did not connect to the lifestyle.

Imi place sa am un scop precis in ce fac: sa ajut oamenii sa aiba experiente noi, prin miscare sau carte, e un scop bun.

 Nu stiu daca.i un scop destul de mare cat sa raman la Carturesti pe termen lung, dar pe termen scurt mi.ar face placere.

De citit citesc Sanderson. Mereu voi citi Sanderson.

Ceva de placere si ceva de crestere.

Cel mai probabil pot incepe pe 12 Decembrie. Daca este esential voi incerca sa vad daca pot pe 5, dar nu este foarte probabil.

Sunt relativ flexibill dpdv al salariului, pentru ca nu imi este scopul principal. In jur de 2000-2500 cu bonuri.

6 nov lac 3

 Windy.

- Couple with a kid kissing under zipline boy

- Fast zipline. Watch your back.

- Izabela a inteles si mi.a multumit.

- George a lasat coarda la lac

- Feels good to have muscles at your command

~ Does it feel good to have any kind of power at your command? Like people? Or, somehow, knowledge?

- im sorta scared of dogs

/writing  stuff sure does feel good

- Sorta wanna do stuff today. Go on Black track, inverse zipline,  jump on a train.

- Yesterday evening felt weird and good

* good connection

* some education talk, and, ultimately, goodness talk via education

*in concret, m.am bucurat mult mai mult de jocuri decat de discutii random

- not bored, but rather restless, energetic,  excited.

Enthusiastic!

*Could manifest as "let's try do 50 pushups" or 50 pullups long term or something.

"Let's see if we can make 5 detailed job applications".

Maybe. Should maybe try.

*I usually try a new video game or stuff. When I feel contained.

Killed by rejection and guilt.

Declansata de reusita. Starea, la ea ma refer.

Nesustenabila? Ca adrenalina?