'think that's what my father felt like

like. multiple times, countless times.

like, they're hopeless if i leave it to their own terms,
and making small contributions over time is just generally frustrating
so the only thing to do is to take full control.


wrongness.


but taking full control requires tons of energy and commitment and
a reason.

motivation, like.





grr.

motivation.


hyouka.

'mi-as picioarele, ar trebui sa-ncetez sa scriu si sa gandesc in engleza,
cred,

anyway,

hyouka.

heartbreak because of 22. 'was expecting 24. ii ca faza cu larisa, cand credeam ca tre' sa coboare din tren, numa' ca de data asta ii pe bune.

grr.

freakin' hyouka.


'can't bring myself to get out of bed
'can do it for other people though.
so
i need other people to get out of bed

no man's an island,
right?



grrrrrr
'mi-as picioarele, ba :D



progresam

intr-un fel sau altul,
progresam.

schimbarea exista, idei exista, posibilitati exista,
'vedem cum facem sa ne dam jos din pat.

progresiv,
frățior,
progresiv.


'mi-as picioarele-n geneticismele vietii.

nightclub

question mark?

comic cum din toate minunile care se-ntampla zilele-astea tocmai despre asta simt sa scriu.

nuj ce scriu
pat on the back?
dunno.

dar.

contrast.

I used to want to try. Sometimes I would try.


I know who I am now,
I know who I wanna be.


to an extent

but

in this regard.


the only thing I would find enjoyable
the only thing I could find enjoyable

is observing.

not always,
not everywhere,
but the only thing that piques my interest in the least would be just sitting on the side and watching people interact. noticed it before.noticing again.

i'm no wallflower, by all means. give me something (hm, moment de sinceritate) i can do and i'll gladly do it.

but this
is not something I could do.

I don't know if I would find it enjoyable, because if i would be able to do it, i'd be a different person, and maybe that person would find it enjoyable but

the person I am now does not find it enjoyable.
It does not
pique my interest.

so,
yeah.

dunno what my context is, but i know that one is not.

i do feel like i could barely hold a conversation under normal circumstances,
let alone spontaneous awkward loud places.

a sizeable part of me is not sure i could have a proper conversation under optimal circumstances.
dunno 'bout that.
that's a different story
maybe a story about who I am.

this,
I guess,
is a story about who i'm not, and who i don't wanna be.


in unele contexte, chiar mi-as dori.
chiar as vrea sa-ncerc.
chiar as avea de castigat.

aici cred ca n-am de castigat.
so i don't see it.

sigh

[/rant]

Wait. Be strong, take heart and wait.

I remain confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord.

Be strong

and take heart

and wait for the Lord.

...

freakin' David, dude. 

seriously.

goodness' sake,

brothers and sisters.

Passion is like a downhill slope. Once you take heart from it, it's unstoppable.
 However, love is like an uphill slope. You have to carry the pains and difficulties while climbing it.




you might have to do stuff when tired. stuff like planning lessons. or marking, or w/e.
so you should practice doing them when tired.
and fatigued, and all that.
it is a skill. a different skill than doing it when well.

'should maybe, even, teaach some lessons hungry. so you practice hungry teaching.


's the same with passion for a job. it's a downhill slope. once it overwhelms you, once it starts going well, going fast. you fall and break your face.
love is when it's hard.
when you keep going despite pedalling uphill with the wind in your face. when falling means you get hurt, recover and get back on it.

passion is when you gain tons of speed, and then you fall and then you die.

love is what you're after.

there are no miracles in this world. only inevitabilities and accidents
but sometimes the outcome of your action, which becomes inevitable, will overlap with accidents and fulfill your dream unexpectedly

don'te even wanna double-check this.


brghblblb.

seriously.

freakin' anime, dude.

 

uneasy questions

 

“Jesus was cool, but, like, we can’t claim he was perfect. Look at those times when he turned the tables upside down, or called people hypocrites, or said stuff like ‘how long must I do all this without you believing enough to do it yourself’, and lying to his friends to get to that big city in secret. And stuff.”

 

- Yeah, but, what if he was right. Like, what if justice was warranted then. What if it was the right thing to say. What if kindness would’ve been weakness. He knew their very minds when he did what he did. Knowing their minds he chose the most optimal course of action which was, not pointless kindness, but decisive statements. What if he wasn’t only cool for being kind and healing people and dying for people, but he was also cool for hitting the nail on the head, being confident, decisive and strong.

 

 

And then,

 

“The Bible can be used to make tons of arguments and bring counter-arguments to them too. so what is true. What is real?

 

- ‘think just about everything. There are arguments against a lot of stuff. And for a lot of stuff. So sometimes God speaks to you by making some arguments, other times by saying that they don’t apply.

Hopeless.

At least I am not. Hopeless.

igorand versurile, pe sunetele astea. sau (comic) astea.

-"... and it seemed that while he was growing stronger and wiser, his inner demons were growing too, but his God stayed as infinite as ever."-

ș'proportionalitate ș' Thales, si scuze si motive si tot.

sau, daca nu, astea.

grr.

just,
like,
try not to die for now. 

Hopeless. 

At least I am not hopeless.

written prayer

 

I would like to pray, God. I hope you are reading this, or reading my mind as I am writing this.

 

It would seem that I am troubled, more than thankful right now. But I would like to be more thankful, so I want to give you thanks.

I would like to give you thanks for yesterday. Because I got away from work relatively hassle-free, and because of the answer from Outwood, and their offer. I am also thankful for the message from Leilah, as it prompted me to act and to think. I am thankful for hovering, and for giving me the strength to answer those messages. I am thankful that things are moving for Alex, although my question felt odd and suboptimal, i am happy that he is fine. And maybe I do not, at a very rational level, see this as solely an answer to a prayer, but… it is also an answer to a prayer. And I am happy that things are moving for him anyway. I am also thankful that the interaction with Aisel went okay, and that my letter arrived. Thanks for being able to wake up in the morning and going to church, to the breakfast club. And for the good food and water, and for the feels good stream last night. I am thankful.

 

I pray for forgiveness of my sins and suboptimalities. For words that should not have been spoken, or words that should have been spoken differently, and for out of place thoughts. I ask for forgiveness if I hurt Shirley today, and I ask for forgiveness for mistakes I have made that I cannot think of right now. I ask for forgiveness for the unwise words I said when talking to Tracy a few days ago. I pray that you help me weight my words better and represent you through what I say.

 

And I pray your comfort and your presence with Shirley, God. All the brokenness she carries with her, I pray that you help her cope with it well, give her your peace. I pray for us, the people around her, to understand, and to be helpful to her, and that she will find peace of mind and of heart. For Martin, too, as he must be having a hard time working with her, but… I pray for the breakfast club as a whole, God. Please make it a more spiritual, a more Godly business. I am very thankful that we can praise you through the work we do there, and I ask that you would give us strength, give the ones who run it wisdom, to make it more about you. I pray that you would help organise the people who come, and make it so that the right people would come and receive your presence, feel your presence. I pray that we will be conductors of your presence. I ask that you would watch over Sheila and Chris too, and that you will manifest in their lives, make them see you and follow you and receive your Spirit. I pray for Roy, and I am thankful for him, both for his presence and his words. I think you used him so much in bringing me to the church, through all he did, passively and actively. I am also thankful for Andy, for he is also such a good presence, please watch over him too, and show him the right time for everything. Bless him at the meeting he is going, and help him in his projects too.

 

God, I pray for Jayne. There is so much going on with her, and the lack of sleep must be so difficult to bear, please, give her the time, give her rest. Both through your spirit, and through sleep, allow her to function well and walk Your walk. Enable her, help her walk Your walk. I pray for their family, and for James. He’s… such a busy man. As a couple, they seem to support so many people, and be involved with You, I pray that it is all for Your glory. I pray for their relationship, that they might find understanding with each other and be wise in raising their daughters, and that your spirit will be wisdom and peace for them. I pray for John and Doreen too, and that you would help them with whatever kept them from coming to church on Sunday. For Ben, and all that is going on in his life, him and his girlfriend, please give him the power to do your work, and not fall. Please give us, people around him, the wisdom to support him in the right way and help his girlfriend, whatever she is up to these days, help her stop with the self-destructive behaviour. God, I pray that you would help people fight against self-destructive behaviour, and I pray for Ben, his girlfriend, and Martyna, and Florin, and Delia and Darius and me, and my father, and my brother and all of us. All who are fighting some form of depression which is holding us back, making us worse people. I pray, God, that you would lift that off of us, that you would show us the way to fight against it. I pray for Ann and Aisel, for Ann that you would help her with her proposal and what comes next, but also with her darkness and depression and contact with things she should stay away from. Please, God, bring this girl to Your kingdom. You could use her, and she could definitely use you, please show her the love and peace that you can offer. If you will, please use me as a catalyst in this, whether by being a friend or a close friend or more. Your will be done, in your way, but please, bring her to Your side. For Aisel, too, I pray that you would help her with her thesis and to manage to do the right thing, to find the right information for her meeting tomorrow, and for the meeting to go well. I ask that you would keep her safe from the overly insistent guy, and that you would bless the relationship she has with Levent. And… for some reason quite light-hearted, I ask that you would bring her to you. That you would show her love and peace, and help her with all the emotional issues she’s having these days. That you would heal her mind, but God, please, find a way to show her Your Godly love. I don’t know how, and maybe that’s why my heart is not so heavily into it, but you…You’ve got the way. So please, whether through me or through someone else, please bring her to your side in the long run.

I really want to pray for my father. Although I’m not speaking to him today, as I don’t know if it is the right thing to do, I ask that you would heal his mind and soul and conscience too, God. It is such a strange form of depression that he is going through, I pray that you would help him overcome. I ask that you would help him spiritually in the first place, but socially too. I feel that those would be connected, and I pray that you would help him see Your presence, Your existence, Your work. I want him to be satisfied, and to be happy in the relationship with my mother. I pray, God, watch over make active change in my father. I pray for my mother too, that you would help her overcome all that she is facing, relating the challenges of this week with the store as well as her own psychical problems. Please… hug her with your presence. Watch over her, and give her strength and wisdom these days. I pray that you’d also give her strength and wisdom and love towards my brother and father, and teach her how to have a good impact on them and bring them closer to you. I pray the same for myself. I ask for my brother’s safety and healing, and I pray that You would keep him safe in his environment, that you would bless his environment. Whether he needs to stay there or not, I pray that you would watch over him, God, and prepare a good future for him. I ask for blessings over the squad too. Help Maria overcome all the challenges she is facing, and help her sister’s health condition, and help her find a good relationship, and help her mother, and her father with his mental health. I ask that you bring Ben closer to you, and if there are possibilities between him and Sarina make that a blessing, I pray. I continue to ask for guidance for Sarina, and help with her parents and her own dream and future. I pray your strength and wisdom and manifestation in the lives of Daniel and Enoch, that you would keep them busy doing Your work. I pray you would empower Jannis, and help his relationship with Kata, and whatever happens, bless them as individuals, and make them work for you. I also ask for Erin, and I thank you for how she’s kept us glued together as a group so far, and for Vera, with all the strange emotiveness she has. Keep them both safe and help them grow closer to you. I want to pray for Magda too, and that you’d work in and through her in all her travels, and that she will be well. I also ask your blessing over people at work, struggling with health issues. I ask that you’d heal Karen’s wrist, and make her brave and resolute to speak to the doctor, and help Pauline with her issues. I ask that you’d help Pauline’s general condition, make her the upbeat person I knew again. I also ask you’d give meaning to Chris’s life, and help him day-to-day, and with a new job, if that is what he needs. I pray for Chris Holland too, that you’d give him a good direction and a good new start in Manchester, and I pray for people in Dyce to be blessed, for Brenda and Muriel and Katherine. I’d like to ask for wisdom and strength in managing people for Andrew and Kim, and for resilience or power to change. I want to ask for Carol, that you would help her with her health issues. I really want to thank you for her as a person, God, and all that she does, and how she makes everyone’s lives better around her. I ask for Debz’s health condition, that you would make it bearable and help her get on with her life well, and I pray that you will have a hand in her interview and make it good for her, whether she is accepted for the job or not. Give her strength to complete the application and help her not have any regrets. And I pray, God, for my baptism, if it is your will, please bring her there, and speak to her. Help me make the invitation, and help people who speak find the right words, find Your words. I ask that you would give me the wisdom in speaking about it. I ask that you’ll help me speak to Richard today, and announce this, and that it will all go according to your plan. I pray fir Kirsty and Graham, and their hearts and minds as they take this step, and that you’ll watch over the whole process. I also pray for Ben. If this is your will, please… Please show him, and show all of us, that this is the right thing to do.

 

I pray for all that I’m going through right now, particularly what is going on in my head. God, if I need rest, and if it is the beneficial thing for me, please allow me and help me do it. But if this all is not from You, please give me strength and wisdom to stand against it. I ask for all the thoughts I have, that you would keep them in check. That you would help me with my baptism, and with my school application, and with my friends. Help me speak to the people I need to speak, both in terms of friends I need to get or keep in touch with, and I terms of references. Please help me make a good application, and, if this is your will, get into teacher training and become a teacher, for Your Glory. I pray that you would help me with the purchases I need to make, with headphones and phone and furniture. And I am thankful for the chair and for the curtains, and that I can now make it dark inside, and keep the window open. Please also help me with the housework I need to do: cleaning the kitchen, and the bathroom, and doing laundry. I pray that you would help me do good stuff today. And if it is right, help me speak to Ann too. God, there is so much work left to do in me. Please, please help me with this lethargy and depression and harmful thoughts. Please let your Spirit come in me, and speak to me through your word, and give me the tools, the power, the energy to do what is right.

 

I pray for all these in Jesus’ name. Amen.

 

 

God, I am thankful. I would like to thank you.

 

Yesterday was such an up-and-down day, and the end of the day… was it even the end of yesterday, or was it just today’s morning?

 

I’ve fallen.

 

At the very least in my eyes, I have fallen, in that I have failed to control my addiction.

 

In a vacuum. No. No matter how you put it, even if Caesar’s deeds did lead to the salvation of the world, it does not mean that he did the right thing

 

So, for knowing going against what I believe, probably, what I believeD, certainly, that was Your will, I ask for forgiveness.

 

But I am thankful, although because of the guilt I felt I was sure of Your retribution today, You made me have a great day. Not only because I relaxed, but because of the ideas you gave me today. Yes, some of them might be questionable. And they should be put in question. But others I find hard to deny that are from you.

 

The idea that Darius’s argument, the whole church, people in general are bad people for condemning. The idea that they condemn because they believe that is how you love. They believe, or… they do it to bring people to you. They believe that showing your neighbour their mistake, firmly disagreeing with their idea would help them see your way. They believe that other religions are bad, and they just want them… to not be bad. They want to make them see the way. Your way.

 

They do it because they believe is right. They believe that is how to love the neighbour. To do Your will. I am thankful for this thought. For helping me understand, helping me love those people. I am thankful that you made me stay there yesterday, made me have those conversations, and that lead me to these ideas today. Please let me apply them right. Please forgive me for the sin I might not know, if I spoke wrongly, if I… if I lead people away from you yesterday.

Rose, and maybe even other people in the group, they might have been hurt by other religions in the past, and maybe I… defended their enemy and hurt them. I… do not know. Please, forgive me for what I do without knowing. Please… comfort those people, keep them emotionally, mentally safe. And use this for their growth, and help them not stray away from you because of those words. Please do help all those people in the group, God. Ruth seems such a cool and kind and great woman, please walk with her wherever she goes. Graham seems to have found you, to be chasing you and going with the church. Please work on his mind, God, and help him… show him what is right. With his smoking and drinking… I don’t know, God. I barely know what I believe, but please help him do what is right by you. Please make a good path for him, and help him follow you.

 

I pray for Darius and James. Such… strange people. So.. blunt. So faithful though. And you seem to have worked so much in their lives. Please help them stay with you, and work in my life through them, and help me be a good influence on them too. I continue to pray for Jane’s daughter, and her admission in education. Please watch over her, and use that unfortunate event to bring her to you. Bring her to Love. Help Jane too, as little as I know about her, be her guide, and help her relationship with James. As little as I know about Kirsty and Emily too, please watch over them, God. Kirsty seems to be in such a strange place when it comes to faith, but she’s seeking something, she’s seeking the good thing, I feel. Please lead her to you. I pray for Emily in the context of her father being a church leader, make that work in her favour. Help her find her own faith. As so many of us have searched for long, she might feel like what she’s got is… too much taken for granted. Work in her heart, God. Bring doubtlessness and true faith to her, I pray. Richard too, as a new leader for the church. Please give him wisdom, give him kindness. Guide him and work in his life, and use him well, God. I pray for Rose and her son, and what is in her heart regarding… justice. Please, help her manage her feelings right. Help her son, and be with him in his recovery, I pray, and make it work in his favour, for his growth. And please have mercy, have… have a heart for the criminal too. Help them change for the better. Limit the damage? Do your will, do your work in their lives, God. I feel that asking this is redundant. But… asking anything is redundant?

I do not know. I wish You’d show me. Show me how to pray, God. How to worship, how to be part of the church. How to not feel hypocrite doing it. How to not be a hypocrite for doing it. I pray, help me become a good Christian. A good witness. And I pray you speak to me about the baptism, give me the signs, the certainty that…

I kinda have it, don’t I?

Give me the strength to do it, then. I know it’s a lot I’m asking, but I pray not only for signs, but for wisdom to see them and power to do what they tell me to. But you are God. You do Your thing, I just pray that you bring me with You, in the place where you want me to be.

 

I don’t even know if this is right, but… I do want to pray for my people, God.

 

- Florin’s depression and directionlessness

- my father’s depression and meaninglessness in life. I am thankful that he’s got a fridge, though, that should make it easier for him. I’m also thankful for the conversation we had yesterday. Please make it lead to something nice.

- my mother’s mental state, and her coping with the decorations that are going on

- my brother. He seems to be going on such strange ways. Please… make those ways lead to You. I pray for his career path, and environment. I pray for his mind and heart, God. Please, take care of that child.

- grandmothers. I pray for their late lives to be good, for you to keep working in and through them, and give them comfort, help them get through. Both Mamaia and Bunica.

- marriages. I pray for Vali and Glig’s marriages. Please, make them… help them make the right decision. Bless their relationships. Make their relationships work, and make all 4 of them be content with the decision.

- Alex, please help him both with the day-to-day life, and education, and moving out. Such a good guy, and such a good friend. Please bring him to you, God, however you see fit.

 

And… Aisel’s exam preparation and relationship. And Mircea’s trip. And Delia’s mind, help her make peace with herself. Help Martyna with her anxiety, please. Help Raluca, and Indu find their career path. Help the Doc. I don’t know what’s going on with her, and her… closeness, these days, but please make it for the greater good. Take care of her and her sister and her family. Her sister’s health, and her sanity, and her. In general. With exams, and crushes, and all that. Such a cool person. Please be with her, God.

 

I pray for Ann, and for this… relationship. I don’t know. I… just don’t know. Please show me. Show me what to do for it to be good, to be for the greater good. Nonetheless, I pray that you help her find her own way to You, God. I pray that the experience with me helps her in that direction, and I pray that you show me what I should do next.

 

So yes, I pray for me, relationship-wise. Don’t know how good it is that I’m talking to so many girls. I still feel like something nice could happen between me and Ann, but I really do not know, God. Help me follow you in this, please. Help me with my career, too. Let me be honest towards TP, and help me find my path, whether it is primary, secondary, or not school at all. With my relationships and friends in Doncaster.

 

I pray God, please watch over Pauline at this moment. Help her with her health issues, please. Kevin, too, and… Jenna? Whom Rose asked to pray for. Please help my people, Your people, who have health issues.

 

And, yeah, I pray that you help me put my trust in You, God. Help me follow You. Show me how to cast my anxieties upon you.

For now, I pray for a good evening. Please be with me, and show your presence at the prayer meeting tonight. Help me deal with the reflux of this great day too, and help me with whatever covnersations I’ll be having tonight, both with people at church and on messenger. And help me implement my burpee habit, and… just, through what I do, help me be Your man, God.

I pray, and I pray in Jesus’ name. And I’m thankful, super thankful for Jesus, and for what You Guys did for us. ... be blessed. Be praised. Dunno what to say, thanks. Really thanks.

 

And I pray, as I said, in Jesus’ name.

Amen.