week 0

i sorta feel like expectation is ruining all things (?) for me

 

how does one

give up expectation

auxiliary timeline:

05.12 interviu la Autonom

04.12 exurbia's video of the end of meaning.

 https://youtu.be/Jv79l1b-eoI

(i think) giving up the idea of meaning

ideea de a trai folosind cat mai putine resurse

week (-1) 

lex fridman eating one meal a day, the idea of it being possible, and the idea of minimal resource consumption

lex fridman podcast with daniel negreanu: it's hard to go for the 4 am run when you're wearing silk pyjamas

06.12 (day 0) trump reviews death knight set, and immoral guild, for some reason.

si ideea de a face lucruri de la care nu am asteptari.

for some reason thinking about learning stuff on seterra being comfy: stuff that has no expected future value.

 

 

malwarebytes warning me of potential threats

ben shapiro, also in lex's podcast, says that when you are alone your happiness goes from 1-10, and then when you're in a couple it goes from -20 to + 20, and when you have kids it loses track of numbers completely.

annoying implication that because i am someone's child their happiness might go minus infinite to plus infinite as consequences of what i do.

but i want to

live with no expectation.

i want to, or feel like i want to have a deck with x mana x/x cards and no abilities an no expectations

i've asked God for purpose and now i kinda wanna have no purpose, just will to live.

christianity is somehow all about expectation.

can i, like, not have any of that, please?

like, applying to a job on ejobs has expected value of either -1 (silent rejection) or, like 10 if it works out perfectly

or 7 if it's alright and dulls the noise of suffering a little

so, in our equation so far, we have the 0 expectation line, with the attached constant suffering

romans 8:23 says that we ourselves (which presumably includes me?), who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies.

 

so, baseline 0 accounts for the suffering. even for the "us" in romans

nonetheless

baseline 0, 

then stuff that dulls noise of the suffering which brings it above 0

but stuff that dulls the noise of suffering can have negative impact as well (see the -1 for job application processes).

 

hm

when long application process, for me it is often more than -1. because -1 is rejecting the cv. the more i pour myself into it, the more of me it is rejecting. so the minus from applying to jobs is due to rejection.

 

it's cool and interesting that there is no rejection from my mother. that does not cause stress; lack of rejection. her acceptance in itself, it seems, is a baseline. it is taken for granted. i do not feel that my baseline is 3 because i lack rejection from her.

but  then, i guess, strictly metnally it would be -something if i were rejected by her

so i have an unearned baseline of 0. because i didn't earn acceptance from my mother, it's just there.

anyway,

if i do an useful course, i have expectations.

potential additions: 

- that i'll finish it (+/- 2)

- that i will be able to add it to my cv (+/- 3)

- that i will be able to use it in conversations in the future (+/-3)

- that it will actually be useful to getting a job or a wife or social context.(+/- lots, i guess.)

that is, first and foremost, why i do it.

i wouldn't do it if i had no such expectation.

when i watch trump's review of cards, i have no expectation of using it in the future.

there is a tiny bit of expectation that it will provide my mind an anchor, somehow. it will keep me interested and busy enough to go through some 20 minutes of standard suffering.

so if i don't watch it i'm at 0

if i do watch it and it's engaging it takes me to some 2 of sorts.

seems like it's the same with video games, or anime. i feel like doing that has some potential to be useful (at least) socially, which makes me have expectation when doing it, which i somehow have to overcome.

if i add some expected value to porn, i might even stop doing that. or, i will eventually stop doing that for the potential plus value. 

how does one

give up on expectation.

i wanna give up on expectations and keep living. 

hard to explain, the keep living part. possibly because of the significant (now that's an important word) negative effect on some peers if i stop living.

i guess i wanna keep living and give up on expectations. first i wanna keep living. for now, at least. 

somehow some types of suffering do not seem to have much effect on that. "i wanna stop being hungry or keep living".

 dunno, that seems worth thinking about, some discomfort can be rounded down to the zero baseline. some types of discomfort.

like, short-form applying to jobs (the -1 type, with no cover letter and stuff) can be rounded to the zero baseline.

 i guess i wanna keep living and make more stuff round-down-able. 

would be cool if i could apply to jobs long form and keep expectations 0

or go to church and round down the suffering to 0

or go climb at natural high with suffering rounded to 0

joy,

i don't know about joy.

"la sfarsitul tirolianei asteia este lucrul pe care mi-l doresc cel mai tare

este ceva ce-mi doresc foarte tare

este ceva

ce-mi doresc"

don't know about joy.

would be cool if i could keep living

and round down the cost of living to 0,

somehow.

joy and suffering,

they don't quite seem to be on the same scale.

joy does not reduce suffering, somehow.

"i got that job, so now it feels like all the application process to the other jobs doesn't even matter anymore!"

...

dunno, it kinda still does, still a pain that i was rejected there.

unless i know exactly why and i know that i have done everything i can to fix it.

or i know that there is nothing i could do to fix it (which is kinda included in the above)

 

shortcomings are painful.

 having them pointed out is painful.

painful, as a stand-in word for "suffering inducing". "pain-that-matters inducing".

i wanna have no expectations.

i think i kinda quit hebrew learning for the same reason: it came with expectations.

improper expectations, for example, i was learning general hebrew, not how to hold the training in hebrew. but there were expectations that i'd know how to talk to clients in hebrew, so that is kinda why i dropped it.

others around me created the expectation that by learning hebrew i'd know how to speak with israelis.

that's

sorta why i gave up on it.

or, one part of it, anyway.

another part might be because it became less exciting; less suffering-reducing.

so, i'm not really doing stuff for joy-increasing

but for suffering-reducing

if it is suffering-increasing and joy-increasing i'll likely not do it (right now, hypothetically, dunno how to define myself well enough that this applies to all instances of me; just to this instance of me on this particular page)

revenind,

if it's suffering-increasing and joy increasing i'd rather not do it

how about

if it's suffering-neutral and joy increasing?

i guess that's anime for me.

maybe that's why i love it. because it comes with no expectations, no suffering, but it increases t0 joy. 

hunger, seems like something that could be suffering-increasing. so, when i stop the hunger, i revert to the baseline of 0 suffering

so what if i create a minus-level baseline suffering level?

say, minus 3 becomes the new 0 due to controllable factors (such as a very cold shower, as Lex was using as an example)

then, when i do not take a really cold shower my i am on +3 (i know the scale is no longer logical, bear with me)

when i am no taking the cold shower i have some 3 "suffering credits".

so if -3 is the new 0, means that when i am at 0 (well fed, well watered, feeling good), i can comfortably do stuff that would bring me to my original baseline.

being warm, well fed and hydrated seems to be my 0 baseline here.

if i am away, food, water and warmth is no longer implicit, i need to work for them. i need to do work to get my suffering to 0.

naveta in sine, de altfel, este un minus pe care il acopar citind, sau facand alte lucruri. este un minus pe care mi-l asum, pentru ca altfel nu as citi, sau as face alte lucruri, ci as face lucruri cu rezultat 0.

 

cand fac naveta, nu ma uit la trump reviews, pentru ca starea mea este deja sub 0, sunt in discomfort, si-atunci fac lucruri care-aduc a crestere.

 

interesant, totusi, ca citesc.

also baseline 0, very soft effort negative, soft joy positive. 

 

when in discomfort (pe naveta, de exemplu), i do get proactive.

 

 

 so somehow it does help to set up discomfort.

 

set up a baseline below 0,

so that you can get and use your suffering credits.

 

"go out of your comfort zone" - that means to add suffering, right? 

nonetheless.

right now

i want to round down my Current suffering to 0.

do stuff with expectations round-able to 0. 

hopefully joy-inducing.

preferably with the hope being round-able to 0 as well.

 

 

a blurb. a nothing-burger. hopefully. otherwise, it gives me hope. gives me expectation. 

but there is hope and expectation in God.

reconcile that.

sometime.

sometime, when you can, when you want, reconcile that.